Today, over dinner w/a friend, I confessed that I really thought I was losing my mind. It didn't help that my own best friend & roommate dismissed my woes as simple actions for attention(she tends to dismiss what I'm thinking &/or saying al the time time)...but uhmmm...are you serious?? Note to self, I know who NOT to go to when my thought escape me...but that's just as well, cuz I need to be talkin' to Jesus anyway--but I digress...I want attention? Really? Wow, well if that's the case, this new lil antic is even a surprise for me...It's not attention seeking when you don't know up from down, in from out, left from right, night from day...And maybe I do want some attention...or some love...As a woman of God, this is truly something new in my life. Any other time I would talk, God would listen and then he'd talk and I would listen...and now...I'm talking...and listening....and listening...and listening...and you know what's scary? I don't hear a thing. Do you know what it's like to feel as you're losing your mind? Like you're alone...like even friends won't understand (and they don't cuz they can't understand something that God is working out himself)...well, all in all, it's not a fun place to be in...
I'm still a woman of Faith, I believe God can and will do what he's promised. And even more amazing I am-at all costs-trying to embody the spirirt of the three hebrew boys...who stood up to their captur and professed the name of God their savior...but the most amazing part about it was the fact that they loved God more for who he was than for what he could do...He's righteous if he did...and even if he didn't. How heavy a burden we, as christians bear. My life...my simple existaance is good. I'm healthy, structurally sound, goal oriented, surronded by a those who love me...but what if, just what if it's me who can't love them back. I can't even love myself right now...cuz my spiritual existance is dealing...and as I'm sitting here jotting my thoughts down I am reminded of the caterpillar who has to struggle to remove itself from the form fitting cacoon that encasses a new level of itself. I know it must hurt and even be down right annoying at times...but when he's free, he flaps his wings, lets them dry and off he soars...Kinda like me I suppose...I had growing pains as a young teen...I was basically growing to fast for my bone structure...it slowed down after a few months and I got better, and in the spirit realm I am growing. Not just growing, I'm fighting, and it hurts. I am so serious when I say that I am alone. Besides myself and the Holy/Spirit of God and God himself, I know I am sitting being remolded. There is some shaping going on to my life, and for it to take place I have to be by myself. In a world full of people, and a phone full of "friends" and a AIM list full of "contacts" and an email addy book full of "associates" I am so alone. I think this is why I took my heartache as hard as I did...He was someone to love on me...to pay me some attention...*sighh...and not the illmatic kind of attn I get from the locals...but some genuin interest in my life. Interest in what I wanna be when I grow up. An interest in what my side goals are for my life. An interest in what I think about, what I'm about...just some attention, and at first I stayed away cuz I knew that God wasn't done with me...but it felt so good just to have someone to call my own...and I pushed God outta my picture for the time being...so I can only blame myself...I am the captain of my ship and I have to set myself back on course...
I do believe that my morning is coming. No man is an island entire of himself. And in saying thus, I know that I am capable of love (b/c I have a few people in my life who I'd lay down my life for)..but I know that soon I'll be back in the mix, but I'm just praying it can be sometime soon. And YES..maybe I'm selfish. But I should be right? Cuz if I don't look out for me, no one else will. Not saying this in a negative way, but as my life would have it, Jennifer has to watch Jennifer or Jennifer will get led to the fire by unnamed sources claiming to be the truth and are nothing more than thieving, lying, vagabonds.
I am a mystery to my own self. Sometimes I even amaze myself. But what amazes me more is the love that God has for me and the destiny he's placed over my life...
There is a tightness in my soul that eludes my mental stability
and everytime I shift to move form under it's grasp it captures another small piece of me
ripping me to shards looking for a true revelation
unveiling me, the prototype in all of its glorious excavation
No fire can burn as hot as the spirit w/in me
On fire and burning and can't escape in part or entirety
standing on the outside and looking in
and just as I suspected, pieces of me must burn for my past sins
There's a pain radiating from my spirit
some serious drilling going on, kinda like getting a filling
He was so sweet so sweet so sweet
I overdosed on a luxary that was never meant for me
Can you fathom what it's like to cry from dry eyes
visions of what this rage is doing inside
Emotional triggers have sent me over the edge
and I'm hanging for dear life onto what is left of my being, totally ripped to shreds
And there is no verbal acuity that can prepare me for what is about to come
So i'm shutting my eyes, i don't care to imagine what can possibly be done
As I collect fragments of what used to be
I see him standing there, just another memory
SO I move on...outside myself
To give me a hug, as I cry for help
Hell hath no fury like a woman who's been scorned
But God gives good love for a heart that's been torn...
As I stabalize, my breathing regulates
and that tightness starts to dissapate...
And to my surprise
right before my eyes
the fire explodes (as I'm standing outside myself)
It's consuming me but preserving my health
and my mentality is shifting
my emotions lifting
An epiphony hits me so hard I stagger as I think
I've been "helping" myself in the wrong direction for weeks...
I'd been so busy trying to douse the fire
I didn't think to wonder if maybe the culprit was my own selfish desire...
You see the wind is so unpredictable, you never know which way it'll go
just like the currents of life, you never know which way they'll flow
And I really understand that something is just pulling me higher
Escaping that thing that drenched me in unrighteousness and letting me burn a little brighter
~jdc 2005~-All Rights Reserved--
Much peace, luv, N respect
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