So...yeah..ummm

Alot is going on...I felt obligated to update...but...in short..alot is going on...school, school, school and then their is the meager existance of my "life"...so I'm giving it allll to God and I'm gonna wait to see what happens *sighh*

Emotional roller coaster...

Today, over dinner w/a friend, I confessed that I really thought I was losing my mind.  It didn't help that my own best friend & roommate dismissed my woes as simple actions for attention(she tends to dismiss what I'm thinking &/or saying al the time time)...but uhmmm...are you serious??  Note to self, I know who NOT to go to when my thought escape me...but that's just as well, cuz I need to be talkin' to Jesus anyway--but I digress...I want attention? Really?  Wow, well if that's the case, this new lil antic is even a surprise for me...It's not attention seeking when you don't know up from down, in from out, left from right, night from day...And maybe I do want some attention...or some love...As a woman of God, this is truly something new in my life. Any other time I would talk, God would listen and then he'd talk and I would listen...and now...I'm talking...and listening....and listening...and listening...and you know what's scary? I don't hear a thing. Do you know what it's like to feel as you're losing your mind? Like you're alone...like even friends won't understand (and they don't cuz they can't understand something that God is working out himself)...well, all in all, it's not a fun place to be in...

I'm still a woman of Faith, I believe God can and will do what he's promised. And even more amazing I am-at all costs-trying to embody the spirirt of the three hebrew boys...who stood up to their captur and professed the name of God their savior...but the most amazing part about it was the fact that they loved God more for who he was than for what he could do...He's righteous if he did...and even if he didn't. How heavy a burden we, as christians bear. My life...my simple existaance is good. I'm healthy, structurally sound, goal oriented, surronded by a those who love me...but what if, just what if it's me who can't love them back. I can't even love myself right now...cuz my spiritual existance is dealing...and as I'm sitting here jotting my thoughts down I am reminded of the caterpillar who has to struggle to remove itself from the form fitting cacoon that encasses a new level of itself. I know it must hurt and even be down right annoying at times...but when he's free, he flaps his wings, lets them dry and off he soars...Kinda like me I suppose...I had growing pains as a young teen...I was basically growing to fast for my bone structure...it slowed down after a few months and I got better, and in the spirit realm I am growing. Not just growing, I'm fighting, and it hurts. I am so serious when I say that I am alone. Besides myself and the Holy/Spirit of God and God himself, I know I am sitting being remolded. There is some shaping going on to my life, and for it to take place I have to be by myself. In a world full of people, and a phone full of "friends" and a AIM list full of "contacts" and an email addy book full of "associates" I am so alone. I think this is why I took my heartache as hard as I did...He was someone to love on me...to pay me some attention...*sighh...and not the illmatic kind of attn I get from the locals...but some genuin interest in my life. Interest in what I wanna be when I grow up. An interest in what my side goals are for my life. An interest in what I think about, what I'm about...just some attention, and at first I stayed away cuz I knew that God wasn't done with me...but it felt so good just to have someone to call my own...and I pushed God outta my picture for the time being...so I can only blame myself...I am the captain of my ship and I have to set myself back on course...

I do believe that my morning is coming. No man is an island entire of himself. And in saying thus, I know that I am capable of love (b/c I have a few people in my life who I'd lay down my life for)..but I know that soon I'll be back in the mix, but I'm just praying it can be sometime soon. And YES..maybe I'm selfish. But I should be right? Cuz if I don't look out for me, no one else will. Not saying this in a negative way, but as my life would have it, Jennifer has to watch Jennifer or Jennifer will get led to the fire by unnamed sources claiming to be the truth and are nothing more than thieving, lying, vagabonds.

I am a mystery to my own self. Sometimes I even amaze myself. But what amazes me more is the love that God has for me and the destiny he's placed over my life...


There is a tightness in my soul that eludes my mental stability
and everytime I shift to move form under it's grasp it captures another small piece of me
ripping me to shards looking for a true revelation
unveiling me, the prototype in all of its glorious excavation
No fire can burn as hot as the spirit w/in me
On fire and burning and can't escape in part or entirety
standing on the outside and looking in
and just as I suspected, pieces of me must burn for my past sins
There's a pain radiating from my spirit
some serious drilling going on, kinda like getting a filling
He was so sweet so sweet so sweet
I overdosed on a luxary that was never meant for me
Can you fathom what it's like to cry from dry eyes
visions of what this rage is doing inside
Emotional triggers have sent me over the edge
and I'm hanging for dear life onto what is left of my being, totally ripped to shreds
And there is no verbal acuity that can prepare me for what is about to come
So i'm shutting my eyes, i don't care to imagine what can possibly be done
As I collect fragments of what used to be
I see him standing there, just another memory
SO I move on...outside myself
To give me a hug, as I cry for help
Hell hath no fury like a woman who's been scorned
But God gives good love for a heart that's been torn...
As I stabalize, my breathing regulates
and that tightness starts to dissapate...
And to my surprise
right before my eyes
the fire explodes (as I'm standing outside myself)
It's consuming me but preserving my health
and my mentality is shifting
my emotions lifting
An epiphony hits me so hard I stagger as I think
I've been "helping" myself in the wrong direction for weeks...
I'd been so busy trying to douse the fire
I didn't think to wonder if maybe the culprit was my own selfish desire...
You see the wind is so unpredictable, you never know which way it'll go
just like the currents of life, you never know which way they'll flow
And I really understand that something is just pulling me higher
Escaping that thing that drenched me in unrighteousness and letting me burn a little brighter
~jdc 2005~-All Rights Reserved--

Much peace, luv, N respect

Before I go...

Boy o Boy...so I talked to a wonderful friend I grew up with the other day and found out something great...can't tell you...not just yet but soon enough everyone will know YAY!!!
On to other exciting news. As some of you may know I am a biology major. Well my dream is to become a Doctor...not an MD but a Ph.D... I am going into Pediatric Biological Science Research...so to make a long story short, I've found an internship located @ Cornell University (more specifically the Weill Graduate School of Medical Sciences of Cornell University).
--->>Take a look for yourself<<---
http://biomedsci.cornell.edu/graduate_school/html/14045.cfm
I wasn't really trying to go back to NY for a long period of time, but if all goes well and I end up loving the school than Goodbye Greenville, Hello Ithica!! Cornell is located in the country and gets extremely cold....(two things I definately LOVE) ...soooo we'll see...
I can't wait for the fall to come in. I'm volunteering wit' tha kidz (you know Jen luh tha kidz *chuckles*) and also working @ church...so I really have a busy year ahead, and If I wanna even think about Cornell, I better sleep with my chem and bio books. But I can do it (I mean, I can do ANYTHING...just gotta make sure I budget my time)...so for the moment this is my life....books books and more books. There are things I'm planning on doing before I get outta grad school and none of it can come to pass if I don't stay in my books. Welp we'll have to chat on this a lil later cuz right now I gotta get in my bed...so till next time
Much peace, luv, N respect

WAY too much NRG...

MAN...I absolutely LOVE my digital camera/mp3 player/cell phone...

but I mostly luv it for the camera ::chuckles:: it gives me the ability to just take random pics and post em...for the heck of it...



So this is what happens when you drink 5 glasses of Diet Pepsi



(yes...pepsi, b/c Diet Coke tastes like feet...yes...FEET)

<--Boy o Boy...is it just me, or do I look high in this picture? Maybe not high...maybe just tired...I need to be sleep. I've come to the conclusion that some of my blogs are about absolutely nothing b/c I can't keep my eyes open long enough to finish any coherant sentences. Hmmmmm...o well...The new apartment is coming along well...My best friend and I (and 2 other gyrls) are staying in tha infamous Pirate's Cove...it's not the Ritz Carlton, or the Westin Grand but it'll do ::chuckles::
Welp, on the way out I figure I'll leave you with a piece I wrote awhile back when I was dealing with some things...if you didn't know I write alot. I've been published a few times, and this is one of the pieces that are publised somewhere...heh heh heh (I say somewhere b/c right now, I'm not sure...i AM sure, however, that I have complete copyright over it...)--And on a side note...I'll post work up here for enjoyment and/or critisism or whatever anyone feels like doing...feel free but please PLEASE don't force me to prosecute anyone for stealing any work off of my page. Before I post anything anywhere it is copyrighted first, complete w/papers and documentation archiving it w/the national library in Washington DC (hence the © sign after my name on the work...for those who may wonder...)...all I'm saying is that this is my work, my gift, my talent, my art and I take it seriously. Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, I'll be heading to bed...The piece I'll leave is entitled "Slippin"...enjoy and of course...feel free to stimulate your mind...*bEsItOs*

Slippin’
I popped open the bottle and took a long drink
Let it slide down my throat
Caress the uneasiness and fondle my apprehension
Commending my lack of resolve, it enveloped me in its arms
And for a brief wrinkle in time, every care disappeared and all I saw was light
That, just as quickly, vanished into a mirage of white
But when all was said and done I felt the pain again
This time around I'm paying for my sins
The more I drank the more it hurt
There was an evil so close, so i began to run
No matter how I try I can't escape my delusion
And the incidents that perpetuated my circumstance
Not just out of happenstance or mere second chance
But over and over I choose to wander down this God forsaken road
And wander alone lest I harm another friend--create another foe
Coagulated emotions, I've lost all focus
I can walk in God's will or fail in mine, attempting either right now just seems so asinine
So what use is there to try anymore? Can't walk thru a non-existent door
BUT--I can writhe in my agony
I think that's what's best for me
I'm tuff I can handle misery
Like a recurring memory
Is there someone who'll fight for me, cuz I'm starting to question my sanity
And as I feel the smooth calibrated vesicle slide from my hand
I remember thinking "Damn, not again..."
When I least expect it somethin' alwayz manages to change my venue
Like clockwork, the pieces fall back in place and the SAGA continues…
~Jennifer D. Claude--All Rights Reserved--© Copyright 2004~

Another day another...well...

So I still haven't finished unpacking...I slept in this morning (cuz summer school is oveeeerrrrr..thank u LORD!!!!), and then woke up and kinda unpacked here and there...I got my shoe rack set up (definately need to start a support group for my fetish with shoes *sighhh)...and...ummmm...yeah so there's still all kinds of crap just chillin' around our living room *chuckles* ...
So I watched a movie, sat on my bed..and kinda lazed around for awhile. I don't have to work again till Thursday, and then it's slave labor from then on out. I love Red Lobster, but sometimes it just irks my nerves (such is life)...

So newayz, my namesake hits me up to mooch off of my internet (cuz herz is ghetto and works when it wants to heh heh heh)...naw on the real tho she came over and brought me some music (Mint Condition's "Livin' the Luxury Brown" and SWV's "The Platinum Gold Collection")...We had fun sitting around and talking about differant issues (mixing in the good ole "That nucca is wack" and "So I have this huge crush on ******"...u know lol...and for those wondering YES, I am 20 and YES I still have crushes on people--altho I didn't think it possible but in light of recent events I've decided that the almighty CRUSH will never die *sighhhh)...and thennnn when our boredom hit it's climax we did what every college would do...we went to *dum dum duuuummmm* WAL-MARTTTTTTTTTT....(btw, on the way to Wally-World we saw a prostetute...u know I had Nay Nay turn the car around and try to get a picture but the nasty heffer got in the car and we were like *uuugggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!*...but I digress)...Well we hit Wal-Mart, and after all the extensive walking we did up and down the aisles we decided that, yes it was 2 am and YES, we were definately hungry. So what did we do? You got it...picked up some White Castle burgers








(Jennifer and Jennay go to White Castle.....no?....*chuckles*)...but then we ended up getting something else that isn't really relevant to the story and/or the picture....welllllllllllp--I think it's time for me to retire for the time being. My eyes are starting to close and my BIG BEAUTIFUL BED is definately calling my name...so till next time peoplez...all the best (and remember, "I'm the greatest, I'm a bad man, and I'm pretty!")


*bEsItOs*

Hmmmm

Ok, so I really need to be in the bed sleep (I'm on the way I promise...) I just wanted to start my posts. My namesake turned me on to this blogging site, and it's pretty interesting...before I go to bed, I want to talk about my frog. So I adopted this frog named Fred (or Fredricka, dependant on if it's really fat or pregnant...can't figure out the gender just yet...altho, I know it's possible for some african frogs to possess the ability to change gender...but...N-E-WAYZ)...back to Fred. Fred lives in a drain pipe outside of my apartment complex, and he's been there since April or May. Everyday I come home and he's chillin in, or beside the drain. Well it's been raining an awful lot and I was worried that Fred drowned, but much to my relief he showed up in his pipe ( I know he was madd cuz he was eye deep in the water but..u know..can't have it all *chuckles*)...Now, I know some of you may ask why I've made friends with this frog...well Fred and I have a connection...he doesn't even hop away anymore when I bend down to talk to him. He's become a staple in my life, and I find myself getting fidgety when I can't find him...but, like clockwork, he shows back up to reassure me that everything is alright...he's got a life too...prolly spends time @fellow frog's pipes (heh heh heh)...
Ok people, this is my spill for the night...stay blessed *bEsItOs*