Celibacy Blues

At one point I swore before all of the green M&M's in the world that I would never resort to blogging, singing, spittin' lyrics or even speaking up in public about my very private emotional/spiritual/physical negotiations & overall dealings with Celibacy. Well...I'm glad I didn't swear to anything worthwhile, b/c today is the day that I get down with the Get Down and get down to getting down [on this blog] the thing(s) I need to say regarding the subject [as it pertains to me]...

Just so we're clear, I blame my Mother...for not telling me the truth. Growing up all I heard was "wait until you're married", "You'll go to Hell if you fornicate..." etc...In my world, fornication was right up there with Arson, child theft, and other villainous acts against society. What I needed to hear was: "Sex hurts...really great...so to avoid the Blues...just wait" Now really, was that so hard??? **sigh** I can't lie and say that the fear of damnation and hell-fire that'd been beaten into me did not deter me from all things sex. I was 22 & almost out of undergrad before I even thought about wandering down that road...meanwhile, I can't lie and say that I share the story of millions of other women around the world who swear their first time was heinous/dull/painful/boring etc...I actually experienced two first times...(no, seriously...okay, I know, just bear with me)...the first time was comparable to reading thru a medical terminology book...a bit listless, bearabley painful, but I did eventually make it to the last word on the last page. Mmmm, now, my second first time was erotic enough to make even Zane blush *looks around* ::all this reminiscing is making me a lil...:: Meanwhile, It wasn't until my first bout of celibacy that I came face to face w/the Blues. Now, for many women this can come in different strengths ranging from mild to severe. Usually it all depends on what kind of jackpot you hit before you decided to become celibate. For the sake of keeping this blog as clean as possible, I'll simply say, "jackpot" refers to the caliber of sex you are having/have ever had. Every women is different, and what works for one may not even phase the other, but if you're fortunate you will hit your "jackpot" one day, and wish like **** you had stayed a virgin. My bestie and I had a discussion once and we came up with the phrase "hitting the bottom". To explain, basically, if you meet a man, and you slip up and unlock Pandora's Door [*PAUSE* praise the powers that be, she no longer has a box, she has moved up to that dee-luxe apartment in the sky, yes-sah!!], but yeah, unlock her door and let that ni**a hit the bottom, and you won't have to worry about opening a box or door or anything else...it's gonna get bust down and all Hell is gonna break loose. Next thing you know everything he own is in your name, ya'll got two kids, you got one job and he got the situation on lock like a Boston Market Meal-Family Sized [main meal+ two extra sides]...just ALL bad ((thank you Usher))...

Anywho, to bring it back personal and in my face, I'm almost positive that I hit my jackpot and stayed with it pretty early on...not only was I new to the whole "I'm not a virgin" thing but I ended up having my innocent self turned all the way out not too long after I left the V-Card on the nitestand. It's fair to say, my first case was severe...and by severe, I don't mean, daydreams or anything petty like that....No, I mean "knocked out to the world and waking up at two and three o'clock in the AM in cold sweats" kind of severe--"body burnin' up to the touch while searching for my penpad and scribing the prescription to my illness" kind of severe...:

...and everywhere your tongue had traced
the fire seemed to set ablaze
burning at a delicious pace
right down to the core of me
feeling me needing me tearing away pieces of me
breathing in all that's left of me
drinking in my energy
sparing no amenity
for every thing its proper place
and you managed to put it all away
snugly fit between the space
where thighs and common sense had once embraced
but soon made haste and parted ways like distant friends
And from sweltering silence only your name escapes...-Phoenix

And just like that, I was diagnosed with the Celibacy Blues...

That being said, you'd think I'd built up anti-bodies to fight this infection if it ever peeped it's ugly head again. Sadly enough, that's not the case...I have caught the Celibacy Blue's again and there's nothing I can take to ease the tension/irritation/achy feeling triapsing thru my body...[Well, there's some natural oral remedies, but that's like downing a coughdrop when there's a brand new bottle of Nyquil right in the cabinet ;o) ] ugggghhh...

*side note--> before I continue, I want to point out that I'm not being celibate for fun. Although I am versed in the art of sex, I don't want to involve myself in the dance anymore until I'm married. Long gone are the days of wanting to be the next Terri McMillan story, or sitting around sharing my Zane experience w/homegyrls. If I can't hold out until marriage, it has to be with someone whom I love. Period. I'd get down to expounding upon that, but that's a different blog for a different day...<--end note*


Don't get me wrong...it's not that I'm not excited to be delving on this journey of spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical reconnection...again...It's just that sometimes, I am convinced my body really didn't get the memo. My vagina betrays me at times and tends to just detach herself and run off, like we haven't been tight all these years (heh heh heh...pun DEFINITELY intended)...but I digress. Yeahhh...she got a taste of that good-good and she just be actin' up...at work, in church, in the mall, driving, working out, sleeping...doesn't really matter where...she act out like those kids on SuperNanny (or whatever that show is on ABC about grown children who can't control their non-adult parents...)...unfortunately for me, I have those disciplinarians that come along, from time to time, and want to put her in her place...beat her down one good time...you know--"hit the bottom"...and then all Hell breaks loose again and...well, you see where this is going. Body just isn't working with me...and the Blues are handing it to me this time around..tried going back to find my V-Card I left on that nitestand so long ago...but all I got was a Canal Street knockoff...and let me assure you, bootlegged Virginity just isn't what it's advertisized to be...

So yeah, I blame my Mother...True, she raised me well, taught me manners, lived as a role model, & kept my immunizations up to date as I grew into my teens approaching adulthood...but she never told me sex could hurt so good...never supplied me w/logical reason to wait...never warned me of this age old infection going around...never told me to look out for Celibacy Blues...

-j