Up close & Personal...

So I'm getting back into the swing of my blogging..I even did a lil intro video and was going to load it up for you guys!  I was all hyped about blogging and blowing the dust off of my well manicured fingertips and then this *%$@# doesn't even work correctly.  Hmmm...anywayz, my last blogs were back in 2006--WOW...So much was going on, and nothing was going on, lol...so it's time I start over.  For the most part, I've deleted my previous posts.  I left 1 or 2, but...well, you get the point...  Meanwhile, as I go about  compressing this video and figuring how to get it to upload I will  re-start my mission of this blog by posting an "honest blog idea" I found on a fellow bloggers site...It's actually  an honest blogger "award"...but I'ma go 'head and give it to myself to start with, lol...it's very basic and the rules speak for themselves...Needless to say, I don't have seven friends YET to repost about themselves, but I have faith that I'll find friends here and there *chuckles*...so until next time, enjoy the peek into my personal and goodnight...::bEsItOs:: 

The rules that accompany it are as follows:

# When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back.

# Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

# Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’.

# Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

# List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. [[I did 12!!, LOL]]
# And then, pass it on.

Welp, here we go...

#1- Going on 24 is showing me alot about myself these days...Sex, Love, & Pain wasn't just an amazing title by one of my favorite artists [Tank..just in case you didn't know], but it could really be the title of my life right now...between the Sex I'm not supposed to be having, the Love I'm pushing away, and the Pain I'm causing myself I'm amazed that I'm still sane.

#2- I am very bitter right now...I feel like God picked me up, and dropped me in the middle of a shark filled ocean and wants to see how I'ma fend for myself...I'm not bitter towards God by any means...but...I guess they are not called growing pains for nuthin--I'm so over myself at this point...I'm confused, I'm torn, I'm hurt, I'm struggling, I'm tired, and I'm starting to understand how the "backslider" gets to be that way.  Jeremiah 29:11-13 tells me that God knows his thoughts towards me...so I'm taking that knowledge and working on pulling myself up-with God's help-one day at a time, and eventually I'll be back to striving for that position as a Proverbs 31 Woman..

#3- I am bent outta shape about the fact that I'm JUST now finding about a sibling I've never known...REALLY sperm donor?? Reallllyyy?? *wOw* Thanks...

#4- I am the child of a man and a woman but I am not a child...((and yes, I DID steal that off of an old episode of Moesha...but I LOVE that quote *chuckles*))

#5- Speaking of children...I have this deep rooted fear--I don't want to get to the altar one day, say 'I do', have kids, and have to end something that could have been prevented had I not been so blinded by love in the first place.  I know there are ways to prevent this (being cautious, praying about it, NOT having sex while you're engaged but getting to know that person, being willing to compromise...blah blah blah, and this, that, and the third...) but the fear is still there...My Grandfather was a great example for me, but I'd never want to bring a life into the world and not show them a nuclear, semi-stable home...I think we all go thru things for a reason, to make us better, so I'm working on making myself better...and taming my fears =o)

#6- very recently, my relationship w/a friend I held very close has been altered beyond my wildest dreams, and I didn't realize how hurt I really was until about a week or so ago...I'll delve into that situation in a forthcoming blog...but it's safe to say that I'm human...b/c before this, I was a duck, letting everything roll off my back like water; but this thing that happened stopped me in my tracks and knocked me over so hard, I woke up on the [perverbial] floor.  I stood up and it was like I'd been shot in the head ...I held out my hands as my oozing dreams splattered across my spread fingertips...applying pressure to the ugly wound, eager not to dirty up my spotless reality...bleeding tears and crying out in laughter cuz thass what happens when Life takes the time to show you who's really running things...

#7- Regarding #6, I'm pretty much past the pain...my time is borrowed and it marches on, and-quite frankly- I've got things to do...

#8-I have this love/hate relationship w/my Mother.  It stems from years and years of being in an aggressive relationship w/a woman I HAD to respect-or my GrandParents would be in my tail, ya dig-but that respect never turned into a friendship.  I desperately want things to change, but we just cannot be friends.  I'm comfortable being me, and she doesn't like me...so where does that leave us??  Ok, let me back up--it's not that she doesn't like me, she just doesn't approve of my choices...my educational path, my love interests, my financial choices, my hair, my style of clothing, my weight, my makeup, my music, my lingo, my love for diversity, my lack of afro-centrism, and my devotion to my friends over some family members.  So...yeah, that pretty much means she doesn't like me...I know she doesn't want me to make mistakes and screw my life up, but I'm really trying to live MY life, and I mean. I'm glad she was such a GREAT Mother, cuz I turned out pretty great myself--and if you don't know, you betta ask somebody ;o)--...but...sometimes, I wish I could talk to her about certain things I really need her advise on.  Our endless arguments and my tears over her abrasive remarks towards me just deepens the need in me to get farther & farther away from her...I love her SO much, & want to know, and make sure, she is doing well...but I have no desire to be around my Mother every other weekend...or every month...or even every other month.  I'm almost on a "I'll see you on the Holidays" tip--but I'm fighting that w/every inch of Will I have left...my busy schedule isn't helping b/c it's giving me the excuse I need never to go home.  It's legit now...but when things open up in a year or so, how will I feel then??  Maybe, hopefully, prayerfully that will change one day...and one day SOON =o\

#9- I love God w/all of my confused, disfigured, misunderstood heart mind & soul.  I have one degree (B.A. Psychology)  I am working on a second and then on getting into grad school, and getting that Masters.  I volunteer.  I LOVE kids.  I eat 'Heart Healthy'.  I smile.  I don't run red lights.  I drive like a New Yorker (which means, I don't run red lights, but I don't believe in yellow lights either*chuckles*)  I hold doors for people (EVEN back in NY--no matter how many strange looks I get, LOL)  I allow others to say to me what they need to say to me, no matter how blunt.  I realize there is no 'I' in team.  I am very honest & open.  I will give you one of my kidneys if you give me good enough cause.  I thank God for giving me such a loving heart.  I have a J-O-B.  I'm quite girly, & have a passion for shoes.  I was blessed w/a hustler's mentality.  I walk like a boss, I talk like a boss.  I'm too humble for my own good.  I'm WAY too hard on myself.  I'm WAY too stressed.  I don't know how to fail...BUT...Almost every morning that I wake up, I feel like a failure...like I'm not doing enough...and since I don't know how to fail, I continue to press towards that unseen goal.  I don't know if that's just the world's way of pushing me to my best potential...or if I'm just buggin'...*shakes head* =o/

#10- I'm starting not to trust people(on a friendship basis)...I love HARD(in relationships...friend or other)...and it's rare that I run into a man who makes me double take after a first conversation...

11#- I really wish relationships could be void of games.  I have a  45k dollar piece of paper that tells me I'm capable of beasting the art of "games" if need be...but I really really REALLY wish they weren't neessary...

#12- I've secretly practiced my Grammy Award speech that I'm going to give one day for "best new female artist" and "best new colab" for my single that I'm going to drop...it'll feature Me, Kim Burrell, and The Rose of Gospel, also known as Dorinda Clark Cole... ;o)

WOW...talk about feeling exposed--Welp, it's that time peoples...get to posting and make sure and tag me back so I can go be nosy...hee hee

~j