Past. Tense.

Do I need you because I love you
or love you because I need you
I need you
NEEDED you
freed from you
held hostage by these tears I screamed for you
the silence I cried for you
dripped down my walls and faded my existence to black
but I still want you back
cause I miss you
MISSED you
received life's greatest gift from you
but before I return it let me clean it off
rinse the blood from the steel that pierced my beating heart
got caught off guard
and when the music faded to noise
I got distracted turned clumsy
went to put the needle back in place
turned and you fit it all away
tucked in between that space where
anxieties are born and fears are made
and the fear of love killed my love that day
looked me in the face
denying any recollection of previous shared space
took back words the universe had already cashed
spent it on dreams of an endless future being caught up in our dance
seconds of romance moments of pleasure quietly stashed
between two heartbeats two minds and two entwined hands
all previously read thought evolve into lessons learned
toss the match so the book, the bridge, and the confession all may burn
and let it be known that I miss you
MISSED you
like my favorite song
hum you every now and then when I forget the words to sing along
never thought the day would come
that you'd no longer caress my palm between index and thumb
the day I'd no longer love you like this and uh like that and uh
the day I'd become the fortunate one
and I miss you
MISSED you
like a call I don't recognize
heard it was hate in your eyes
sealed your disguise and drove you to the lies
the past continuously eluding me driving the tension deep
I am reminded that I need you because I love you
LOVED you
every single moment before I drift off to sleep...

(c)j.claude'09-Phoenix-

And just like that...

I loved you past my pain
No matter the circumstance
I-and the universe-heard everything you ever said
And so I loved you
kissed your tears as if they were my own
mended your insecurities
loved you past my pain
made myself believe in this monstrosity
bottled it up deep down w/in my empty chasm
tucked it behind a wasted space
built it shelter
four walls
one ceiling
no sky
no escape
And I loved you
I loved you past my pain
latched onto every word that spilled past your tongue
empty letters dancing across my eyelids
caressing my lips
cascading the span of my hips
the reach of my fingertips
you gave me something to believe in
maybe just maybe I was worth this feeling
and I held on not knowing if I'd ever feel it again
allowed you break the only thing of value to me
cause I loved you
so much so that I forgot about me
and I got lost
lost gazing in your soul at my reflection
lost loving you
incredible amazing insightful being that I knew

...and for what it's worth
I loved you...
loved you past my own pain...
...and for what it's worth
I know I don't have to say it
but I thought you should know
I'm really...
finally...
free...


...think that about covers it...

--and just like that...the door slammed shut... ;o)

-j

Back of the Class [[My Therapy]]

I pen the cure to my delusions that deem me insane/most times though I leave the medication laying around content to let life's issues coarse through my veins/ and sometimes it builds up and puts pressure on my brain/so I have to tap the right spot and allow the buildup to drain/ and spill forth from eye lids over and over again/only to press rewind and run it back frame by frame/knowing I should stop I accept full blame/but I refuse to stomach a reliever when my inspiration is pain...-Phoenix



Back of the Class

Limping down the hall I heard the bell ring
And then it started, one tear...the next
slamming into the folds of my sweater
staining it forever
like thick oil spilt on leather
I made it to my classroom, hobbled to the station where the teacher ruled the herd
ready to explain myself but her pursed lips halted my thoughts mid word
Ms. Claude I told you one more tardy and one detention it would be
she pointed to the the box for me to check acknowledging I knew the "Rule of Three"
but the Bruises on my back wouldn't allow me to see
I was blinded by the memory of him yelling about something to eat
walked up and snatched my lunchbox leaning and dripping venom
Slanted eyes powered by a cursed mind like he had something in him
"Bitch, if anybody gonna have lunch in this house it's gonna be me"
Now I'm all confused focused on my 8yr old feet
constantly feeling guilty for being the burden on the beast
living in this house daring us to sleep
You see
I was taken out of a bad situation and placed into one worse
had to occasionally witness him beat her down for taking me in after my birth
and I never understood why God blessed her with such a curse
why she had to be the tight beat holding down the verse
me spending countless night bribing my maker to rewind time and make me a 'W' or a 'Z'
anything but a 'X' or a 'Y', and Yup, he can have all of these, this 'L' and 'I' and 'F' and 'E'
I didn't want to be the cause of her misery
I would rather have been miscarried or tossed as a seed
wrapped securely in latex incinerated as garbage along with other debris
it's nothing to me no face no name but my soul'd be free
and I'd never have to witness him conjure up this hit list
send it out like a memo assuring me that I was next
all because she did her best
moved some things around wracked her brain
to make sure my untimely appearance wouldn't lead to a life lived in vain
opened her heart and clothed my premature frame
kissed me at night like I supplied the blood pulsing through her veins
I recall standing there wondering what my nourishment would be
ready to forget it altogether didn't want to breach the "Rule of Three"
and to this day the following scenes still seem surreal to me
watched my Mother stand up and raise her fist before him and God
and scream, I will die before I let you hurt my daughter
not one word did she falter
and that day he took her up on her threat
pounded her with words accenting her makeup with his fists
beat her 'til her lips turned blue
she blinked twice, guess he saw Hell in them cause he beat that out of her too
I suppose my eyes've always been bigger than my stomach
cause I ingested that all so fast I was too full to see anything else coming
and my little 8yr old feet couldn't move fast enough to dodge his rage
taking one massive open hand and palming my head
ricocheting my tiny body off the end rail of her bed
the wood kissing the crease of my back last thing I saw was white then red
mixed with rays of sun bleeding through the blinds spilling across my arms chest and legs
hearing sobs of anger and dread
I remember praying maybe this time I'm really dead
maybe God would cut out her heart before the ache would metastasize and spread
maybe I wouldn't ever be put in this predicament again
having to wrap my arms around her at night while she pays for my sins
you can't convince me that I was young and full of innocence
I was the problem not the solution and for this there was a punishment
but true to form she pleaded to Jesus in my defense
and true to form I lived another day w/little visible evidence
of these mishaps or court reported incidents
except the Bruises on my back that wouldn't shut up and let me see
what that teacher was pointing at, acknowledging the "Rule of Three"
and because I was capable of no response
she classified me as defiant while I held my tongue taught
searching for a way to explain that this tardy wasn't my fault
tried sending a message from my soul but maybe she felt harassed
maybe if I paid her to listen, I had allowance money, cold hard cash
but to her I was just another miscreant..a statistic...young black and fast
She gave me no more thought she never even asked
Was simply content to sign on the dotted line and send me limping to the back of the class...

(c)j.claude'09-Phoenix-

How does a straigt line cross itself

Growing up, I was a wiz at math. I didn't like math, but I was a beast at it nonetheless. In a very general sense, I did well at all things Math, but senior year of high school (and then moving on to college) my favorite subsects were calculus & statistics. Call me geeky if you want, but there is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes along with finding "N" or "F" or any other varied problems dealing with those variables...you may be asking, why I'm rambling on about math...well, it was the immediate area of interest I stumbled across when I had to stop and ask myself, "how does a straight line cross itself??". In trigonometry, and geometry, the entire concept of "lines" is complex yet complete & pre-determined. There is no gray area between the beginning and the infinite ending to a straight line. A line starts at some point, and it will end at some determined or undetermined point--the point being the place that it stops...but, semantically speaking, a straight line will never cross itself. It may cross other lines, it may cross over circles, hey it might even cross a road!..but never itself. As it is on paper, as it is in relationships...and thus begins my thought process...

To give a brief background, over a year ago the conversation came up, between myself and a close female friend of mine, about relationships etc etc...in the midst of grilling me about the current "boo" I was in the process of getting rid of, she paused for a moment's thougt--and then, apparently, lost her mind. Or at least that's what I assumed when she said "I think you need to go ahead and get with *****". Now, ***** is good friend of mine and a mutual friend of the both of us. For simplicity sake, we'll call ***** "Mike"--his identity is not important to this topic, and so the name change should be of minimal interest. Meanwhile, back to my home gyrl lo0sing her mind...after staring at her in confusion for a minute or two, she told me to shut my mouth because she was serious. I told her thanks for her interest in my interests, but I'm good, he's a great friend, don't wanna ruin that blah blah blah blah...well, as the year passed, she periodically said things such as:
"You talked to Mike?"
"How's Mike?"
"Why don't you wanna get with Mike?"
"How do you know he doesn't wanna get with you??"
"You might be breaking his heart...*smh*"
"Well, I think you guys would be great together!!"
"I'm dead a** girl!!! Why won't you listen?!!"
(and the comments became more and more emphatic from that point)...I think she thought that I wasn't serious b/c she then took it upon herself to tell HIM about her feelings regarding my lack of feelings about her feelings about me having reserved feelings about catching and acting upon feelings toward Mike. Soooo...yeah, I found out a little later that she went off on this tangent, and Mike was as seemingly as confused as me blah blah yada yada...short story shorter, I broached the subject with Mike, and said somethin along the lines of "...you have to be careful crossing that friendship line..."...or something of that nature--and he responded in like but then added on[for good measure] "...matter fact, you don't cross that line, you let that line cross itself!!" And now we're back...to my original topic of interest. How does a straight line cross itself? Can it cross itself?? Is that possible??
Should I care??!!!

**Le Sigh**

I really want an answer...when is it ok, in a meaningful friendship, to sacrifice the value of precious time and kindred spirits for the potential worth of a beautiful relationship?? Who says a beautiful relationship can't just be precious time and kindred spirits?? Coming up on 25, I've never felt such a strong willed sense of protection over my friendships as I do now...I can count my true friends on my limbs...and I only have four of those (I'll throw in my 2 ears to complete the circuit, but after that everything starts looking like associates etc)...I digress, meanwhile, this topic has me in a state of slight confuglement [thank you...I made that word up all by myself]...as ridiculous as it may sounds, or petty as it may be, it has me concerned...and plus this is my blog so, I really don't care about perceptions at this point lol...but yeah, back to the point...I remember moving from high school into college with the mentality that friendships make great relationships. In my mind it seemed soooo much more convenient to progress from a state of comfortableness and familiarity and add that dash of romance to see where it goes...well, I quickly learned that, as a female I may see the roses in that thought process, but the male friends were not as positive...Me being ditzy and playing the role of "good friend" has, in turn, cost me some near and dear friendships...granted, the collapse of the situation wasn't always my fault, but I still failed to ignore the warning signs of our demise, and so the pain was extremely worse than it should have been...

It has taken me some time but I have FINALLY figured out some (if not all) of the problem...generally speaking a male and a female who become platonic friends may become that way for a few reasons...they were dating other people and met...they met during class/study groups/organizational volunteering etc and the idea of a relationship was the farthest thing from his/her mind OR she's a female (he's a male) he's/she's not initially attracted to by any means, but that person is full of insight, they have alot in common and at the end of the day they make a great friend. Frienships like this are the most dangerous, because

Seeing as how we, as human beings, are not islands, friendship is essential to our souls...so it's only natural that an endearing, close, intimate, (non-physical, but emotional) frienship escalate between two people who have things in common...only problem is, catching feelings becomes increasingly more easy to do because, as two people in contact with each other, you have built the entire foundation of a blossoming relationship on the back of a so-called friendship. So, I'm really starting to see that, men & women can't be friends at a consistant level, doing consistant things, being consistant with each other w/o the side effects of feelings showing up...there has to be lulls in the friendship...quality time can't be spent...sometimes you may have to resort to being phone-a-friends...friendship at a distant for the sake of the akward feelings etc etc...

Having said ALL of that I'm back to my original thought...How does a straight line cross itself? And the anwer is simplym, it doesn't cross itself...two people have to decide that they are gonna step down from one path and step onto another, albeit in a different direction, it's anonther straight line in it's own right...and that is a really hard answer to deal with...it's easy to get hurt when dealing with friendships of this nature. More often than not, it's the female who catches feelings, but it's not until the male starts to sense it, that things can go hay wire...

I really hate having a question I don't have a solid answer to...but then again, what's an answer w/no acknowledgement it in the first place?? Just words to fill a space...that's kind of how I feel about platonic frienships sometimes...they are just there to fill a space...nothing more...nothing less & to ask such would be foolish on my part... =o/

Such is life...<3

-j

Celibacy Blues [[remix]]

**In my last post, I threw some words together, and they-in turn- sparked the fire of a piece I feel like I should finish...**

Celibacy Blues

Eyes flew open
fingertips glazed w/heat
Sweat trickled down my spine
Sheets soaked in your memory
and everywhere your tongue had traced
the fire seemed to set ablaze
burning at a delicious pace
right down to the core of me
feeling me needing me tearing away pieces of me
breathing in all that's left of me
drinking in my energy
sparing no amenity
found my lips wrapped around the life giving center
dreamt in color
high definition
digested your future
snagged a wrinkle in time
successfully succeeded in seeing past your mind
faint cries turn to whimpers
as I gorge at a leisurely pace
endearing embrace
heartfelt accomplishment
purposely losing this race
play roles
roles trade
contentedly tired from the role play
remembering nothing is ever as we say
will try fighting it, in vain, for another day
misplaced intentions led astray
eager ambitions complacent under our strict array
for every thing its proper place
and you managed to put it all away
snugly fit between the private space
where thighs and common sense had once embraced
but soon made haste and parted ways like distant friends
And from sweltering silence only your name escapes
entrusted and spoken thru honey soaked lips
sweet sentiments product of fingers and their fire soaked tips
and a crass slick tongue embedded between fire breathing hips
still burning from the singe marks your hands left with its prints
and we linger there
perfect fit
I painted you in color full of vibrant hues
eyes flew open
sheets soaked in your memory
held hostage by these Celibacy Blues...-(c) 2009 Phoenix

Celibacy Blues

At one point I swore before all of the green M&M's in the world that I would never resort to blogging, singing, spittin' lyrics or even speaking up in public about my very private emotional/spiritual/physical negotiations & overall dealings with Celibacy. Well...I'm glad I didn't swear to anything worthwhile, b/c today is the day that I get down with the Get Down and get down to getting down [on this blog] the thing(s) I need to say regarding the subject [as it pertains to me]...

Just so we're clear, I blame my Mother...for not telling me the truth. Growing up all I heard was "wait until you're married", "You'll go to Hell if you fornicate..." etc...In my world, fornication was right up there with Arson, child theft, and other villainous acts against society. What I needed to hear was: "Sex hurts...really great...so to avoid the Blues...just wait" Now really, was that so hard??? **sigh** I can't lie and say that the fear of damnation and hell-fire that'd been beaten into me did not deter me from all things sex. I was 22 & almost out of undergrad before I even thought about wandering down that road...meanwhile, I can't lie and say that I share the story of millions of other women around the world who swear their first time was heinous/dull/painful/boring etc...I actually experienced two first times...(no, seriously...okay, I know, just bear with me)...the first time was comparable to reading thru a medical terminology book...a bit listless, bearabley painful, but I did eventually make it to the last word on the last page. Mmmm, now, my second first time was erotic enough to make even Zane blush *looks around* ::all this reminiscing is making me a lil...:: Meanwhile, It wasn't until my first bout of celibacy that I came face to face w/the Blues. Now, for many women this can come in different strengths ranging from mild to severe. Usually it all depends on what kind of jackpot you hit before you decided to become celibate. For the sake of keeping this blog as clean as possible, I'll simply say, "jackpot" refers to the caliber of sex you are having/have ever had. Every women is different, and what works for one may not even phase the other, but if you're fortunate you will hit your "jackpot" one day, and wish like **** you had stayed a virgin. My bestie and I had a discussion once and we came up with the phrase "hitting the bottom". To explain, basically, if you meet a man, and you slip up and unlock Pandora's Door [*PAUSE* praise the powers that be, she no longer has a box, she has moved up to that dee-luxe apartment in the sky, yes-sah!!], but yeah, unlock her door and let that ni**a hit the bottom, and you won't have to worry about opening a box or door or anything else...it's gonna get bust down and all Hell is gonna break loose. Next thing you know everything he own is in your name, ya'll got two kids, you got one job and he got the situation on lock like a Boston Market Meal-Family Sized [main meal+ two extra sides]...just ALL bad ((thank you Usher))...

Anywho, to bring it back personal and in my face, I'm almost positive that I hit my jackpot and stayed with it pretty early on...not only was I new to the whole "I'm not a virgin" thing but I ended up having my innocent self turned all the way out not too long after I left the V-Card on the nitestand. It's fair to say, my first case was severe...and by severe, I don't mean, daydreams or anything petty like that....No, I mean "knocked out to the world and waking up at two and three o'clock in the AM in cold sweats" kind of severe--"body burnin' up to the touch while searching for my penpad and scribing the prescription to my illness" kind of severe...:

...and everywhere your tongue had traced
the fire seemed to set ablaze
burning at a delicious pace
right down to the core of me
feeling me needing me tearing away pieces of me
breathing in all that's left of me
drinking in my energy
sparing no amenity
for every thing its proper place
and you managed to put it all away
snugly fit between the space
where thighs and common sense had once embraced
but soon made haste and parted ways like distant friends
And from sweltering silence only your name escapes...-Phoenix

And just like that, I was diagnosed with the Celibacy Blues...

That being said, you'd think I'd built up anti-bodies to fight this infection if it ever peeped it's ugly head again. Sadly enough, that's not the case...I have caught the Celibacy Blue's again and there's nothing I can take to ease the tension/irritation/achy feeling triapsing thru my body...[Well, there's some natural oral remedies, but that's like downing a coughdrop when there's a brand new bottle of Nyquil right in the cabinet ;o) ] ugggghhh...

*side note--> before I continue, I want to point out that I'm not being celibate for fun. Although I am versed in the art of sex, I don't want to involve myself in the dance anymore until I'm married. Long gone are the days of wanting to be the next Terri McMillan story, or sitting around sharing my Zane experience w/homegyrls. If I can't hold out until marriage, it has to be with someone whom I love. Period. I'd get down to expounding upon that, but that's a different blog for a different day...<--end note*


Don't get me wrong...it's not that I'm not excited to be delving on this journey of spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical reconnection...again...It's just that sometimes, I am convinced my body really didn't get the memo. My vagina betrays me at times and tends to just detach herself and run off, like we haven't been tight all these years (heh heh heh...pun DEFINITELY intended)...but I digress. Yeahhh...she got a taste of that good-good and she just be actin' up...at work, in church, in the mall, driving, working out, sleeping...doesn't really matter where...she act out like those kids on SuperNanny (or whatever that show is on ABC about grown children who can't control their non-adult parents...)...unfortunately for me, I have those disciplinarians that come along, from time to time, and want to put her in her place...beat her down one good time...you know--"hit the bottom"...and then all Hell breaks loose again and...well, you see where this is going. Body just isn't working with me...and the Blues are handing it to me this time around..tried going back to find my V-Card I left on that nitestand so long ago...but all I got was a Canal Street knockoff...and let me assure you, bootlegged Virginity just isn't what it's advertisized to be...

So yeah, I blame my Mother...True, she raised me well, taught me manners, lived as a role model, & kept my immunizations up to date as I grew into my teens approaching adulthood...but she never told me sex could hurt so good...never supplied me w/logical reason to wait...never warned me of this age old infection going around...never told me to look out for Celibacy Blues...

-j

Round Midnight...

"...it begins to tell round midnight...memories always start round midnight, haven't got the the heart to stand those memories..." -Thelonius Monk


As a singer/poet/writer/songwriter I find myself completely naked 87% of the time--these times usually occurring while I'm enveloped in my element. Now, I don't mean naked as in I like walking around my house naked and singing [as liberating as that sounds]...naw, I mean my soul is continually being stripped bare and exposed for the world to see when I get up on stage and do my thing...and the most exposing is the poetry....

In the grand scheme of things, I have convinced myself that, not only am I a target for Pain's grueling assaults, but I'm built for it...it's my inspiration...my drug...


I'm on it like an IV drip pulsing thru my veins
Systematically scrape my fingers across any given page
Bleed out the cure to calm my rage
Collect it and perpetuate it right back thru...
I'm addicted.Can't Kick it.The Cycle Continues -Phoenix


Until I leave the stage/put the pen down/close my laptop, then I'm still left bare and cold and forced to look at this bruised shell housing these memories...and the self reflecting always seems to start 'round midnight'...haven't got the heart to stand them sometimes[the memories]. Now, as necessary as it may be, self reflection for me is a ridiculously painful process which usually results in tears and a headache (and not necessarily in that order) . You have to understand, my independent nature has routinely shaped me into a machine. Machines don't have emotions, they just do...oil them up, work out the kinks and keep it moving. I am, however, not a machine and I think the only one surprise by this revelation was me. In hindsight (along w/me being virtually emotionless) my years leading up to my twenties consisted of me picking up lots of baggage. Bags of all shapes and sizes...totes, clutches, saddlebags, hobo bags etc...but these bags are getting heavy and so it's really time to let some things go.

At this point and time, I've finally found the first BIG thing that I'm leaving at 24. 25 will not see me wasting borrowed time over my issues with my parental units. To oblige you with a bit of background--> I have a biological Mother, and a Biological Father and they are both irresponsible...so much so that I've since snatched their titles and relabeled them my 'Egg' & 'Sperm' Donors (respectively)... and as angry as I am that they are just two grown kids, the thing that has hurt me the most is that neither one of them want me...one of them gave me away & the other gave me away, kidnapped me, gave me back, came back, dragged me along thru the court system for about 6 yrs of my life than disappeared etc... growing up, I stayed close to the family I had that loved me and the wonderful Mother I do have in my life, but I don't think--no, I KNOW I never got over that neglect. Someone asked me today, why adopted kids always wanna know about their original parents. I think, for me, it was b/c I actually know my Biologicals on a first name basis and have thusly taken it very personal that they don't like me enough to love me enough to want to [at least] sit down and talk to me on a consistent basis...it's not like I'm lacking in conversation. I can go from 'playoffs' to 'music production' to 'makeup' w/in seconds...I'm like a buffet--something for everybody!! ::sigh:: So yeah, I've been letting my heart bamboozle my mind into truly believing [more so hoping] that one day they will approve...gosh, I don't know-prolly never will know-why it's so important to me that they give me their nod of validation...Meanwhile, today is monumental b/c I've finally come to terms with the fact that, My Egg & Sperm Donor may NEVER get right...they may never validate me...they may never call me again...they may never even acknowledge my features when they look in the mirror at night...and that's okay...and No, it's not ok for Phoenix (the poet) or for the j.claude up on stage singing her heart out or for the Jen holding the hands of those in need around her--but for Jennifer...me...just-mE...the me that curls up on my couch every single night clutching Tigger tight and praying that the dry season comes soon (more Sun, less tears)...the me asking God to spare me one more day so I can prove to him that I'm thankful for what I do have...the me that wants to focus less on what I am missing...the me that wants to be loved for all of my flaws and past my pain. I'm tired or breathing it in...getting my quick fix...blurring out my reality and replacing it with a myriad of fallacies painted up to resemble the best of my past and the worse of my future...

But yeah, today I officially started living. It hurts...but most healing processes are uncomfortable...and altho I 'haven't got the heart to stand these memories', I know I'll keep them filed away...I still need the inspiration...still gotta get naked...still gotta see this bruised shell housing these memories...gotta see Me [for my past] and love Me [into my future]...and I'm okay with that. Matter of fact I'm starting to look forward to meeting up w/Ole Midnight again--and in the not too distant future even. You know, catch up a bit. Usually busy around lunch...it'll have to wait til after suppertime. Prolly later on into the evening. Round about midnight... or, you know, something like that... ;o)

-j

Well since you asked...

To get real serious about it, I've held hands and broken bread w/Love twice, And both times we parted ways but under different circumstances. See, Love and I are friends, and I don't blame the player I blame the game for bringing our interactions to a temporary standstill. Too many "get out of jail free cards", we got distracted and took the long way in "Life", popped a double and screamed out "TROUBLE" but had no "Clue" where to find the letters needed to un-"Scrabble" the entire situation so we were left standing in our separate corners lookin' quite dumb waiting on the other to stop the cruel "Monopol"-ization of the heart. Unrecognizable "Guesture"s and unneeded "Outbursts" left us riddled with doubt & mistrust and then the war began...we manned our stations on either ends of our "Battleship"s and it was all downhill from there.

But like I said I blame the game. The countless hours of multi media broadcast that formulate the dribble we happily lap up at a moment's notice. Teaching us the art of looking, finding, and securing the "ideal" Love before becoming the ideal Love ourselves...and not to say 'ideal' has bones to do with superficiality, but dealing with the crux of numerous issues such as trust, lack of communication, honesty, truth etc...taking the time to wipe the dust from the many facets of our lives such as mental/emotional/psycholog

ical/spiritual/physical health before laying fingertip on someone else's menagerie seems to be so much easier said than done...and as much as it doesn't want to be heard, I take great joy in saying that, as much as I am a feminist, I am a logical thinker and Ladies, these "if, then" situations we knowingly put ourselves into does not help our case when pleading with Love not to make it's sudden grand exit stage left [Myself included!] Case in point: "IF" his Character & Actions speaks volumes about him, "THEN" stop the foolery of asking everyone else's opinion b/c you already know...Character & Action are best friends and I will rock with them til the end. They are always on time, and on one accord w/the other etc and so on and so forth.

Meanwhile, with me & Love being so cool and all, I can go ahead and let you in on a few things Love told me itself...Love is not a clinic [don't show up if you're sick] it's not a repair shop [don't rock w/it if you're broken] it's not a Krispy Kreme [don't stop through for that quick fix]...but the beauty of love is that it has a duality clause that says, once you're there, all in the mix Twix'in w/Love, it has healing properties to aid you during those sniffly times...and it's pretty darn adhesive & does wonders w/patching things up...and sometimes-just sometimes-when you've done all you can and are fed up to HERE it'll be that comfort food that makes it ALL better... ;o)

To get down to the reason behind this very random blurb, today someone asked me what love was, in my eyes...to me, It's a process that requires time effort and dedication and many other individualistic amenities...it's hard to be general when no two people, in any one relationship, experiences the same make/model/color of Love... but one thing is very certain, Love, in all of it's complexity, simply remains the same. It's a road that does not wither or crack or lead to dead ends...it's an age old game, new players same rules: Love is patient, it is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs[1Cor13:4]...to me, these rules govern personal aspects and situations that won't and can't apply to any other woman I know b/c every woman is different...I think we just all want to be loved generally, in different aspects of the word, by any means necessary, depending upon what we specifically need when we wake up in the morning...and we will, in turn, reciprocate..with all of our heart, by any means necessary and in every sense of the word...and then...you pass "Go", collect $200, and...win ;o)


-j

Humanity & it's Complex

Humanity & It's Complex

You're crazy if you think you know the truth about the persons
standing in front of you.
You're crazy if you think you don't.

You see, irregular erroneous outrageous comments once led me to believe that feigning emotional apathy was the inherent popular behavior of choice.

And I sought to figure out why such multi-faceted minds & bodies sacrificed such beautiful hearts&souls for immediate gratification with such long term repercussions;
taking no lessons from the past, expecting no faith [being the substance of things hoped for] from the future.

The activist in me screams out for equal rights to choose, and wants the world to know that the seediest of opinions matter because every single body is deserving of the opportunity to speak the fullness of their mind's contents to their heart's content.

I am aware, however, that misguided souls tend to spew forth the poison that's been breast fed thru their nurture, enveloped by their nature, shaped by their ignorance's & set on fire by their liberties.

So the activist in me is quelled...for now.

And as my ranting & raving grows beyond my control, I begin to understand that behind the words are the lies made up of blurred truths, held together by realities that have been fortified with misconceptions and buttressed with muddled idiosyncrasies.

So yeah...the activist in me has nothing left to say.

No man is an island, yet every man is an island.

That being said, I cannot knowingly support ignorance as an excuse...I do however pray God's grace & blessings upon the the humanity behind irrational decisions.

Why, you ask?

You see, irregular erroneous outrageous comments once led me to believe that feigning emotional apathy was the inherent popular behavior of choice.

But at the end of the day, with our faces in our hands, we all just want to be loved, by any means necessary, in every aspect of the word.



peace&love
j.claude

Let there be light...& it was all good--Black Woman, Speak...& it was all good

*Click the Title for Video AFTER you read my little blurb below ;o)*

I've missed you, but I'm back and I wanna talk about some stuff. My topic of interest today is being a young independent woman, learning to balance, or break out of, the traditional family roles (Mother's, wives, etc), traditional sexual roles (demure, non-aggressive, at the beck and call of her Husband), and traditional career roles (Focused on the career and nothing but the career b/c it's obvious no man is worth our time--and what better to keep us warm on the weekends than that beautiful Dior throw and a forty-five dollar cup of imported black/white/green tea??? Right??!! Uhhh....). I've been talking with so many of my peers, co-workers and female friends (all w/in the age range of 20-27) that are tying our hands and gagging us to tears...and now I want your opinion. How do you balance? Are you balancing?? Are you breaking out?? Are you embracing your sexuality? Are you standing steadfast in your beliefs?? Are you unfazed by simple men and their simple intentions & lack of ambitions?? Are you focused? Are you a part of the "Million Man Haters of America Club" (cuz if so, that's another blog for another day...today it's about love, LOL)...but all jokes aside, are you an established woman who had to deal with choosing an internship over love or vice verse? Were you a young single woman w/the opportunity to go off on your own, simply to find that your fears of being alone forever were louder than the silence occupying your brand new & really quite perfect home at night?? I want to make sure I'm not the only one sitting around thinking SO hard that I start to think stupid (thank you Omega). I refuse to just let life run it's course b/c that would be way too easy, and since I OBVIOUSLY enjoy giving myself a headache, I question and question and question these things that make me go "Hunh??". Personally, I get very agitated when I cannot define, to the letter, the happenings of certain situations of my life...sometimes, it just gets hard to admit that-yes, I have dreams...but sometimes (and I DO mean sometimes) I wouldn't mind foregoing some of those high expectations and just being a wife and mother, or even helping to take care of my nephew and so on and so forth. Is this my instinctual bell ringing inside of my head telling me to put my little black book down and start taking men seriously?? Is this the final call for quick touch ups to my credit so I can have something to bring to the table? Should I even care about a future I can't put my finger on?? Should I care about a relationship I can't see yet, but can feel just as I can feel the breathe leaving my body whenever I exhale?? Speaking of exhaling, can I exhale? I want a "shoop" moment that lasts forever, or at least until the next semi-annual clearance sale at Victoria's Secret (You have to take the good w/the bad...work w/me *chuckles*) ...you get my point...so, get ready ladies...take a quick peek at the video and then let me hear from you =o)

Oh, and I want to hear from ALL of you ok?? Not just my peers in college or around my age, I want to hear from some experience too.

Until Next Time

~j

Finally!!

Ok fam,  I FINALLY got my video to post and guess what...it's like 10 days old, but I'm posting it anywayz because I can...I actually have quite a few things to blog about and as soon as I finish these midterm papers, it'll happen...but this little diddy should appease everyone for now =o)

Just click the title & be easy on the comments ok--I'm fragile *chuckles* ;o)

~j

Up close & Personal...

So I'm getting back into the swing of my blogging..I even did a lil intro video and was going to load it up for you guys!  I was all hyped about blogging and blowing the dust off of my well manicured fingertips and then this *%$@# doesn't even work correctly.  Hmmm...anywayz, my last blogs were back in 2006--WOW...So much was going on, and nothing was going on, lol...so it's time I start over.  For the most part, I've deleted my previous posts.  I left 1 or 2, but...well, you get the point...  Meanwhile, as I go about  compressing this video and figuring how to get it to upload I will  re-start my mission of this blog by posting an "honest blog idea" I found on a fellow bloggers site...It's actually  an honest blogger "award"...but I'ma go 'head and give it to myself to start with, lol...it's very basic and the rules speak for themselves...Needless to say, I don't have seven friends YET to repost about themselves, but I have faith that I'll find friends here and there *chuckles*...so until next time, enjoy the peek into my personal and goodnight...::bEsItOs:: 

The rules that accompany it are as follows:

# When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back.

# Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

# Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’.

# Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

# List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. [[I did 12!!, LOL]]
# And then, pass it on.

Welp, here we go...

#1- Going on 24 is showing me alot about myself these days...Sex, Love, & Pain wasn't just an amazing title by one of my favorite artists [Tank..just in case you didn't know], but it could really be the title of my life right now...between the Sex I'm not supposed to be having, the Love I'm pushing away, and the Pain I'm causing myself I'm amazed that I'm still sane.

#2- I am very bitter right now...I feel like God picked me up, and dropped me in the middle of a shark filled ocean and wants to see how I'ma fend for myself...I'm not bitter towards God by any means...but...I guess they are not called growing pains for nuthin--I'm so over myself at this point...I'm confused, I'm torn, I'm hurt, I'm struggling, I'm tired, and I'm starting to understand how the "backslider" gets to be that way.  Jeremiah 29:11-13 tells me that God knows his thoughts towards me...so I'm taking that knowledge and working on pulling myself up-with God's help-one day at a time, and eventually I'll be back to striving for that position as a Proverbs 31 Woman..

#3- I am bent outta shape about the fact that I'm JUST now finding about a sibling I've never known...REALLY sperm donor?? Reallllyyy?? *wOw* Thanks...

#4- I am the child of a man and a woman but I am not a child...((and yes, I DID steal that off of an old episode of Moesha...but I LOVE that quote *chuckles*))

#5- Speaking of children...I have this deep rooted fear--I don't want to get to the altar one day, say 'I do', have kids, and have to end something that could have been prevented had I not been so blinded by love in the first place.  I know there are ways to prevent this (being cautious, praying about it, NOT having sex while you're engaged but getting to know that person, being willing to compromise...blah blah blah, and this, that, and the third...) but the fear is still there...My Grandfather was a great example for me, but I'd never want to bring a life into the world and not show them a nuclear, semi-stable home...I think we all go thru things for a reason, to make us better, so I'm working on making myself better...and taming my fears =o)

#6- very recently, my relationship w/a friend I held very close has been altered beyond my wildest dreams, and I didn't realize how hurt I really was until about a week or so ago...I'll delve into that situation in a forthcoming blog...but it's safe to say that I'm human...b/c before this, I was a duck, letting everything roll off my back like water; but this thing that happened stopped me in my tracks and knocked me over so hard, I woke up on the [perverbial] floor.  I stood up and it was like I'd been shot in the head ...I held out my hands as my oozing dreams splattered across my spread fingertips...applying pressure to the ugly wound, eager not to dirty up my spotless reality...bleeding tears and crying out in laughter cuz thass what happens when Life takes the time to show you who's really running things...

#7- Regarding #6, I'm pretty much past the pain...my time is borrowed and it marches on, and-quite frankly- I've got things to do...

#8-I have this love/hate relationship w/my Mother.  It stems from years and years of being in an aggressive relationship w/a woman I HAD to respect-or my GrandParents would be in my tail, ya dig-but that respect never turned into a friendship.  I desperately want things to change, but we just cannot be friends.  I'm comfortable being me, and she doesn't like me...so where does that leave us??  Ok, let me back up--it's not that she doesn't like me, she just doesn't approve of my choices...my educational path, my love interests, my financial choices, my hair, my style of clothing, my weight, my makeup, my music, my lingo, my love for diversity, my lack of afro-centrism, and my devotion to my friends over some family members.  So...yeah, that pretty much means she doesn't like me...I know she doesn't want me to make mistakes and screw my life up, but I'm really trying to live MY life, and I mean. I'm glad she was such a GREAT Mother, cuz I turned out pretty great myself--and if you don't know, you betta ask somebody ;o)--...but...sometimes, I wish I could talk to her about certain things I really need her advise on.  Our endless arguments and my tears over her abrasive remarks towards me just deepens the need in me to get farther & farther away from her...I love her SO much, & want to know, and make sure, she is doing well...but I have no desire to be around my Mother every other weekend...or every month...or even every other month.  I'm almost on a "I'll see you on the Holidays" tip--but I'm fighting that w/every inch of Will I have left...my busy schedule isn't helping b/c it's giving me the excuse I need never to go home.  It's legit now...but when things open up in a year or so, how will I feel then??  Maybe, hopefully, prayerfully that will change one day...and one day SOON =o\

#9- I love God w/all of my confused, disfigured, misunderstood heart mind & soul.  I have one degree (B.A. Psychology)  I am working on a second and then on getting into grad school, and getting that Masters.  I volunteer.  I LOVE kids.  I eat 'Heart Healthy'.  I smile.  I don't run red lights.  I drive like a New Yorker (which means, I don't run red lights, but I don't believe in yellow lights either*chuckles*)  I hold doors for people (EVEN back in NY--no matter how many strange looks I get, LOL)  I allow others to say to me what they need to say to me, no matter how blunt.  I realize there is no 'I' in team.  I am very honest & open.  I will give you one of my kidneys if you give me good enough cause.  I thank God for giving me such a loving heart.  I have a J-O-B.  I'm quite girly, & have a passion for shoes.  I was blessed w/a hustler's mentality.  I walk like a boss, I talk like a boss.  I'm too humble for my own good.  I'm WAY too hard on myself.  I'm WAY too stressed.  I don't know how to fail...BUT...Almost every morning that I wake up, I feel like a failure...like I'm not doing enough...and since I don't know how to fail, I continue to press towards that unseen goal.  I don't know if that's just the world's way of pushing me to my best potential...or if I'm just buggin'...*shakes head* =o/

#10- I'm starting not to trust people(on a friendship basis)...I love HARD(in relationships...friend or other)...and it's rare that I run into a man who makes me double take after a first conversation...

11#- I really wish relationships could be void of games.  I have a  45k dollar piece of paper that tells me I'm capable of beasting the art of "games" if need be...but I really really REALLY wish they weren't neessary...

#12- I've secretly practiced my Grammy Award speech that I'm going to give one day for "best new female artist" and "best new colab" for my single that I'm going to drop...it'll feature Me, Kim Burrell, and The Rose of Gospel, also known as Dorinda Clark Cole... ;o)

WOW...talk about feeling exposed--Welp, it's that time peoples...get to posting and make sure and tag me back so I can go be nosy...hee hee

~j

Pink Suede Elephants

((I wrote this awhile back, and it was on my FaceBook, but I'ma share it on my blog as well...just to get my feet wet in this writing game ya dig??...))

Realizations & revelations can sometimes be compared to a pink suede elephant in the middle of a room--No one wants to say anything, in lieu of being out of place, but everyone sees it, begins to accept it, and really everything is quite alright...until it starts stepping on toes. 

It's been said that everything on this Earth is reminiscent of something in Heaven. (i.e. childbirth & being born again; stormy weather & trials in life etc...)

So I take the liberty-as if liberties were created for anything other than the taking-carefully pick up this statement, transport it over the chasms of my mind, dip it off the end of my logic and put it to bed in between my pool of useless trivial information & long list of foreign car names [which, at a second thought, could probably be filed under "Useless trivial information" but I digress] As one of the most indecisive and completely compulsive people I know, I've actually made leeway on thoughts, about this thought, of my own...plainly put, I've had a revelation...

**and it goes--a lil sump'in like dissss** 

As the sunlight bled thru my blinds early this morning and began to tap at my consciousness, it was immediately beaten back by the one, then two fat drops of rain pummeling to the green grass a story below my window. Half awake, and mostly asleep, I started the day off with prayer and almost instantly fell back into my state of ecstasy ((and yes, I said ecstasy--anyone who knows me, knows that sleep, for me, is the next best thing to...well, I would say sex, but since I can't claim marriage, I won't claim sex...I'll say "A Good Movie"...we're all grown here and God knows I'm workin' to live right...)) but ANYWAY...I eventually rolled out of bed, went to class, and work and the rec and bible study and blah blah blah....no real personal bible study time, no prayer time ( I fell back into my deep slumber, remember)...

**12 hrs later**

I'm back home laid out across my oasis, continuing my Sex&the City Marathon, stretching my limbs & enjoying my time to myself...

Now, as revelations go, this one hit me hard enough for me to pause my DVD player, sit up, flip on the lamp and take a good look in the looming mirror above me. A prevervial mirror, mind you, but a mirror nonetheless. In this mirror, I saw a residual form of myself that I could have dealt without seeing, so upclose & personal and all...at least until I got done with season 6 & the bonus disc. I was looking at Me...but the me that looked into this mirror & the me that was caught glowering back HAD to be two separate entities. There I was. The Me that I despise. The Me I sit up and talk to my best friend about. The Me I internally shake my head at in pity & sorrow as they pass by. The Me who can't see what they have, right in their face. Me...

...

...

Ok, the three dots are usually the time for wild bursts of applause, & praise-but me & my A.D.D. self, left out the best part...the translation of the revelation *chuckles*...[[deep sigh]] ok, here we go..

Sooo, if you didn't know, I'm currently entrapped in some deep, devious form of Love **gasps all around**I know I know, surprising...but yes Devious .. yes .. yes .. yes, I thought it over and devious is the most accurate adjective I can come up with...and I'm sticking with it .. but yes, devious love--and instead of boxing it up and storing it away with other deviant characteristics (i.e. the need to wear scrunchies, rocking the 'one pant leg up one down' look, the side ponytail, using my 'one finger while moving my neck in a circular fashion' stint in the financial aid office, smacking my gum while patting my head and so on and so forth...you get the idea) I let it get out of control & now I am SO over myself. Fortunately for you (or maybe not, depends on what you lookin' for LOL), this little publication is not about how in love I am, but more so how in love I'm NOT...with GOD. Now, on a very surface level, I love God...am IN love with God and am doing my darndest to bring this to fruition daily...but daily, I'm failing. My love for God is being dispersed amongst so much else in my life. My education, my finances, CHURCH, my friends, my music, my appearance, my fun...and that 'other' love I briefly mentioned a few sentences ago. And not to say that I don't remember the scriptures about being a sinner and falling short and daily renewing my mind in Christ and so on and so forth, but I'm not doing my best. I think..well...I think that I do enough to call myself a christian...annnnnnd, that's about it. 

But am I in it to win it?? Like REALLY train to WIN it?? Like, hardcore win...complete with Rocky theme music and swaggerific lines stollen from Ali?? ((I'm the best, I'm a badddd man, and I'm pretty!))

For me, the whole "LOVE" scenario, really hit home, and brought this revelation full circle. To love someone-for any number of reasons- and they not reciprocate at the time-again, for any number of reasons- is painful. To put action behind the word and not have the action reciprocated, acknowledged, or even thanked can be even worse. Every radio station that starts with "Kiss" "Foxy" or "Fire" reminds us ALL of this, after 12am...constantly!! Honestly, there are not enough Keyshia Cole, Whitney Houston, Teddy Pendergrass, Toni B, BabyFace or Mary J. Blige songs in the world to convey the fact that Love can hurt. Although some levels of this "so-called" pain can be as rudimentary as "wow, I can't believe this is happening to me" or as complex as wanting to trip yourself off of something, it can all be categorized as unpleasant...and in this unpleasantness one can find, if they so choose, a new outlook on life...

you could opt for inducing your own sugar ladden coma on a comfortable piece of furniture somewhere, but I suggest NOT...besides, sugar is overrated..or at least that's what my trainer says...

This is where my own personal pink suede elephant comes in-right on time & stepping on toes as scheduled. While hugged up on a pillow slurping down an icee, I had to stop & begin to wonder...What if my situation is the mirror [pervervial!] that I need to look into...What IF I am the man I love, and God is me??? How much more love does God have for me, and how much more have I hurt him by just being surface?? Ok ok ok...I know you're rubbing your head...or shaking your head...or deleting me as a friend, but really--stop and think--matter of fact, let's bring it to our level for a minute--Ladies, how would it feel to be dating a guy who insists on making you banana pancakes for dinner at least once a month, but you hate bananas...and you tell him at least once a month--it's been 8 months...And fellas, what about the girlfriend that can't put down her own wants and feelings enough to be considerate and split the cost of gas with you on a trip 2 or 3 states long...and you drive a suburban...and she ridin' with you b/c she hates to drive--after 2 yrs of dating and an engagement ring on the way?? For you married people--wives, what about the Husband who won't compromise about a football game..that he's not even playing in..and you have TiVo?? And husbands what about a wife who consistentlyputs you down in public when hard times come (as they are bound to do) but plays it off as "just jokes"...for the friends--what about that BESSSSTT friend who forgets your 20, 21, 22, & 25 birthday...all because they are too busy to remember, but they know you know they mean well so they take advantage...or what about that big brother or sister who won't have your back on the playground, in the hood, or even on the street in your very classy very suburban gated planned community??

this would be a good time to kindly ask all of the semantical arguers in the house to excuse yourself...you want semantics? I suggest Plato.

And so, the cycle perpetuates itself. We are content to parley companionship for a 1Corinthians 13 kind of love. We are happy to make our lives contingent upon what others will think...if we say ________ .. instead of what others may begin to say...when we actually begin to think...and we carry this over into our spiritual lives. We base our relationship with God off of the shallow remnants of pieces of situations we find on this Earth, and hastily construct them into shody images of what we think his Love and our love should be like. Just like we don't like to fall into any of the above situations, we shouldn't make God feel like the red-headed step child in our personal relationships with him. Not to patronize God to the level of being menial, emotional, unstable, human, mortal creatures, but to inspire into your thoughts something you can understand--No one wants to be hurt, everyone knows how to love--and this was my revelation...I'd lost touch with my Love. My first Love. My TRUE love. 

meanwhile...

I am so glad God is not like man. He doesn't hold me to my flaws, or leave me when I'm wrong, or judge me when I stray and return. He is a loving and awesome God...and here I am being ungrateful--shedding tears, on borrowed time, over some "Love" that can't appreciate it...(right now...for any number of reasons) He loves me unconditionally...and here I am, forgetting his birthday, being stingy, being needy, being too busy...you know...all those deplorable actions that you never want to see in yourself...all the actions I never knew existed in myself...Me...the Me I despise...the Me I talk about with my best friend...there I am... 

right right...true true...

I believe that, eventually, everyone has to acknowledge their own personal pink suede elephants in the room. Loving others while here on Earth is no crime & can make this journey enjoyable & desirable even. However, losing sight of oneself can be detrimental & can lead to forgoing the notion that, really, we ARE living on borrowed time. As grim as it may seem, there are only two things in life we can EVER be certain of-we were born and we will die. There you have it. TWO. Everything else is just filler...so hey, why not live life like we're grateful? Why not submit? Why not put the things of this world down? Why not be the sore thumb? Why not preach the word? Why not pray & study the word? Why not change the way we talk? Why not be that light? Why not learn to compromise...as we ask others to compromise for us? And not necessarily all in one day, but why not try?? Not talk about it...but be about it...be that example [[and if example for no one but ourselves, than so be it]]

Pink suede elephants come in many different colors...don't be bound. They are also available in courderoy & denim...pick your pleasure ;o) 

So, If everything on Earth is reminiscent of things in Heaven then my lesson learned is that I no longer want to be reminiscent of another sad love song, but I want to be pleasing in God's sight. I want our relationship to blossom and grow. I want to compromise my wants for God's needs--his need for me to be saved and his will for me to live in peace and happiness and to inherit life & life more abundantly. I no longer want it to be: "What if God were like Me-unconditionally loving this other guy...and I'm like that other other guy-really could care less"...

((sigh)) That's how revelations go sometimes...they are usually only relevant for the situation that you're in...sometimes it can be situations you can relate to, but most times, it's the ones that you are in. The ones that hurt. The one's aiding to your sleep loss at night..those situations that possess no alpha and no clear concise sign of an omega...the situations you really could go without thinking about, turn into the situation that has you up at night really thinking about ... ( insert here ) ...

Crazy right? Almost as absurd as dressing an elephant in pink suede *chuckles* ((sigh)) Talk about turning lemons into lemonade...♥

~j 

So...yeah..ummm

Alot is going on...I felt obligated to update...but...in short..alot is going on...school, school, school and then their is the meager existance of my "life"...so I'm giving it allll to God and I'm gonna wait to see what happens *sighh*

Emotional roller coaster...

Today, over dinner w/a friend, I confessed that I really thought I was losing my mind.  It didn't help that my own best friend & roommate dismissed my woes as simple actions for attention(she tends to dismiss what I'm thinking &/or saying al the time time)...but uhmmm...are you serious??  Note to self, I know who NOT to go to when my thought escape me...but that's just as well, cuz I need to be talkin' to Jesus anyway--but I digress...I want attention? Really?  Wow, well if that's the case, this new lil antic is even a surprise for me...It's not attention seeking when you don't know up from down, in from out, left from right, night from day...And maybe I do want some attention...or some love...As a woman of God, this is truly something new in my life. Any other time I would talk, God would listen and then he'd talk and I would listen...and now...I'm talking...and listening....and listening...and listening...and you know what's scary? I don't hear a thing. Do you know what it's like to feel as you're losing your mind? Like you're alone...like even friends won't understand (and they don't cuz they can't understand something that God is working out himself)...well, all in all, it's not a fun place to be in...

I'm still a woman of Faith, I believe God can and will do what he's promised. And even more amazing I am-at all costs-trying to embody the spirirt of the three hebrew boys...who stood up to their captur and professed the name of God their savior...but the most amazing part about it was the fact that they loved God more for who he was than for what he could do...He's righteous if he did...and even if he didn't. How heavy a burden we, as christians bear. My life...my simple existaance is good. I'm healthy, structurally sound, goal oriented, surronded by a those who love me...but what if, just what if it's me who can't love them back. I can't even love myself right now...cuz my spiritual existance is dealing...and as I'm sitting here jotting my thoughts down I am reminded of the caterpillar who has to struggle to remove itself from the form fitting cacoon that encasses a new level of itself. I know it must hurt and even be down right annoying at times...but when he's free, he flaps his wings, lets them dry and off he soars...Kinda like me I suppose...I had growing pains as a young teen...I was basically growing to fast for my bone structure...it slowed down after a few months and I got better, and in the spirit realm I am growing. Not just growing, I'm fighting, and it hurts. I am so serious when I say that I am alone. Besides myself and the Holy/Spirit of God and God himself, I know I am sitting being remolded. There is some shaping going on to my life, and for it to take place I have to be by myself. In a world full of people, and a phone full of "friends" and a AIM list full of "contacts" and an email addy book full of "associates" I am so alone. I think this is why I took my heartache as hard as I did...He was someone to love on me...to pay me some attention...*sighh...and not the illmatic kind of attn I get from the locals...but some genuin interest in my life. Interest in what I wanna be when I grow up. An interest in what my side goals are for my life. An interest in what I think about, what I'm about...just some attention, and at first I stayed away cuz I knew that God wasn't done with me...but it felt so good just to have someone to call my own...and I pushed God outta my picture for the time being...so I can only blame myself...I am the captain of my ship and I have to set myself back on course...

I do believe that my morning is coming. No man is an island entire of himself. And in saying thus, I know that I am capable of love (b/c I have a few people in my life who I'd lay down my life for)..but I know that soon I'll be back in the mix, but I'm just praying it can be sometime soon. And YES..maybe I'm selfish. But I should be right? Cuz if I don't look out for me, no one else will. Not saying this in a negative way, but as my life would have it, Jennifer has to watch Jennifer or Jennifer will get led to the fire by unnamed sources claiming to be the truth and are nothing more than thieving, lying, vagabonds.

I am a mystery to my own self. Sometimes I even amaze myself. But what amazes me more is the love that God has for me and the destiny he's placed over my life...


There is a tightness in my soul that eludes my mental stability
and everytime I shift to move form under it's grasp it captures another small piece of me
ripping me to shards looking for a true revelation
unveiling me, the prototype in all of its glorious excavation
No fire can burn as hot as the spirit w/in me
On fire and burning and can't escape in part or entirety
standing on the outside and looking in
and just as I suspected, pieces of me must burn for my past sins
There's a pain radiating from my spirit
some serious drilling going on, kinda like getting a filling
He was so sweet so sweet so sweet
I overdosed on a luxary that was never meant for me
Can you fathom what it's like to cry from dry eyes
visions of what this rage is doing inside
Emotional triggers have sent me over the edge
and I'm hanging for dear life onto what is left of my being, totally ripped to shreds
And there is no verbal acuity that can prepare me for what is about to come
So i'm shutting my eyes, i don't care to imagine what can possibly be done
As I collect fragments of what used to be
I see him standing there, just another memory
SO I move on...outside myself
To give me a hug, as I cry for help
Hell hath no fury like a woman who's been scorned
But God gives good love for a heart that's been torn...
As I stabalize, my breathing regulates
and that tightness starts to dissapate...
And to my surprise
right before my eyes
the fire explodes (as I'm standing outside myself)
It's consuming me but preserving my health
and my mentality is shifting
my emotions lifting
An epiphony hits me so hard I stagger as I think
I've been "helping" myself in the wrong direction for weeks...
I'd been so busy trying to douse the fire
I didn't think to wonder if maybe the culprit was my own selfish desire...
You see the wind is so unpredictable, you never know which way it'll go
just like the currents of life, you never know which way they'll flow
And I really understand that something is just pulling me higher
Escaping that thing that drenched me in unrighteousness and letting me burn a little brighter
~jdc 2005~-All Rights Reserved--

Much peace, luv, N respect

Before I go...

Boy o Boy...so I talked to a wonderful friend I grew up with the other day and found out something great...can't tell you...not just yet but soon enough everyone will know YAY!!!
On to other exciting news. As some of you may know I am a biology major. Well my dream is to become a Doctor...not an MD but a Ph.D... I am going into Pediatric Biological Science Research...so to make a long story short, I've found an internship located @ Cornell University (more specifically the Weill Graduate School of Medical Sciences of Cornell University).
--->>Take a look for yourself<<---
http://biomedsci.cornell.edu/graduate_school/html/14045.cfm
I wasn't really trying to go back to NY for a long period of time, but if all goes well and I end up loving the school than Goodbye Greenville, Hello Ithica!! Cornell is located in the country and gets extremely cold....(two things I definately LOVE) ...soooo we'll see...
I can't wait for the fall to come in. I'm volunteering wit' tha kidz (you know Jen luh tha kidz *chuckles*) and also working @ church...so I really have a busy year ahead, and If I wanna even think about Cornell, I better sleep with my chem and bio books. But I can do it (I mean, I can do ANYTHING...just gotta make sure I budget my time)...so for the moment this is my life....books books and more books. There are things I'm planning on doing before I get outta grad school and none of it can come to pass if I don't stay in my books. Welp we'll have to chat on this a lil later cuz right now I gotta get in my bed...so till next time
Much peace, luv, N respect

WAY too much NRG...

MAN...I absolutely LOVE my digital camera/mp3 player/cell phone...

but I mostly luv it for the camera ::chuckles:: it gives me the ability to just take random pics and post em...for the heck of it...



So this is what happens when you drink 5 glasses of Diet Pepsi



(yes...pepsi, b/c Diet Coke tastes like feet...yes...FEET)

<--Boy o Boy...is it just me, or do I look high in this picture? Maybe not high...maybe just tired...I need to be sleep. I've come to the conclusion that some of my blogs are about absolutely nothing b/c I can't keep my eyes open long enough to finish any coherant sentences. Hmmmmm...o well...The new apartment is coming along well...My best friend and I (and 2 other gyrls) are staying in tha infamous Pirate's Cove...it's not the Ritz Carlton, or the Westin Grand but it'll do ::chuckles::
Welp, on the way out I figure I'll leave you with a piece I wrote awhile back when I was dealing with some things...if you didn't know I write alot. I've been published a few times, and this is one of the pieces that are publised somewhere...heh heh heh (I say somewhere b/c right now, I'm not sure...i AM sure, however, that I have complete copyright over it...)--And on a side note...I'll post work up here for enjoyment and/or critisism or whatever anyone feels like doing...feel free but please PLEASE don't force me to prosecute anyone for stealing any work off of my page. Before I post anything anywhere it is copyrighted first, complete w/papers and documentation archiving it w/the national library in Washington DC (hence the © sign after my name on the work...for those who may wonder...)...all I'm saying is that this is my work, my gift, my talent, my art and I take it seriously. Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, I'll be heading to bed...The piece I'll leave is entitled "Slippin"...enjoy and of course...feel free to stimulate your mind...*bEsItOs*

Slippin’
I popped open the bottle and took a long drink
Let it slide down my throat
Caress the uneasiness and fondle my apprehension
Commending my lack of resolve, it enveloped me in its arms
And for a brief wrinkle in time, every care disappeared and all I saw was light
That, just as quickly, vanished into a mirage of white
But when all was said and done I felt the pain again
This time around I'm paying for my sins
The more I drank the more it hurt
There was an evil so close, so i began to run
No matter how I try I can't escape my delusion
And the incidents that perpetuated my circumstance
Not just out of happenstance or mere second chance
But over and over I choose to wander down this God forsaken road
And wander alone lest I harm another friend--create another foe
Coagulated emotions, I've lost all focus
I can walk in God's will or fail in mine, attempting either right now just seems so asinine
So what use is there to try anymore? Can't walk thru a non-existent door
BUT--I can writhe in my agony
I think that's what's best for me
I'm tuff I can handle misery
Like a recurring memory
Is there someone who'll fight for me, cuz I'm starting to question my sanity
And as I feel the smooth calibrated vesicle slide from my hand
I remember thinking "Damn, not again..."
When I least expect it somethin' alwayz manages to change my venue
Like clockwork, the pieces fall back in place and the SAGA continues…
~Jennifer D. Claude--All Rights Reserved--© Copyright 2004~

Another day another...well...

So I still haven't finished unpacking...I slept in this morning (cuz summer school is oveeeerrrrr..thank u LORD!!!!), and then woke up and kinda unpacked here and there...I got my shoe rack set up (definately need to start a support group for my fetish with shoes *sighhh)...and...ummmm...yeah so there's still all kinds of crap just chillin' around our living room *chuckles* ...
So I watched a movie, sat on my bed..and kinda lazed around for awhile. I don't have to work again till Thursday, and then it's slave labor from then on out. I love Red Lobster, but sometimes it just irks my nerves (such is life)...

So newayz, my namesake hits me up to mooch off of my internet (cuz herz is ghetto and works when it wants to heh heh heh)...naw on the real tho she came over and brought me some music (Mint Condition's "Livin' the Luxury Brown" and SWV's "The Platinum Gold Collection")...We had fun sitting around and talking about differant issues (mixing in the good ole "That nucca is wack" and "So I have this huge crush on ******"...u know lol...and for those wondering YES, I am 20 and YES I still have crushes on people--altho I didn't think it possible but in light of recent events I've decided that the almighty CRUSH will never die *sighhhh)...and thennnn when our boredom hit it's climax we did what every college would do...we went to *dum dum duuuummmm* WAL-MARTTTTTTTTTT....(btw, on the way to Wally-World we saw a prostetute...u know I had Nay Nay turn the car around and try to get a picture but the nasty heffer got in the car and we were like *uuugggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!*...but I digress)...Well we hit Wal-Mart, and after all the extensive walking we did up and down the aisles we decided that, yes it was 2 am and YES, we were definately hungry. So what did we do? You got it...picked up some White Castle burgers








(Jennifer and Jennay go to White Castle.....no?....*chuckles*)...but then we ended up getting something else that isn't really relevant to the story and/or the picture....welllllllllllp--I think it's time for me to retire for the time being. My eyes are starting to close and my BIG BEAUTIFUL BED is definately calling my name...so till next time peoplez...all the best (and remember, "I'm the greatest, I'm a bad man, and I'm pretty!")


*bEsItOs*