Giving thanks, & such...

Last year, around this time, I apologized for slacking in my blog writing & promised to come back, better than ever. Well...I lied. Not on purpose, but still, it was void of truth. I've purposefully taken time away from blogging/writing/poetry/open mic nights etc, to continue enhancing my growth. I've done the most spiritual/mental/emotional growth this past year, than I've done since I turned 20. From the age of 24 (the year of the dreaded "Blood Clot") til now, I was on a long wandering road finding myself.

 Finding myself in shambles...finding myself ashamed...finding myself confused...but no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find Jennifer.  And when one is not able to find one's self, it makes it hard to share of yourself. Unless of course you want to read something that looks like this:

 "45*@^#^@)*&&%%#$jdh jdkenu sksihjccn 2548s1d5x115x1@%@^$#**^%$$#..."

 That's literally how I felt inside for a long time...every time my eyes blinked, it was like seeing the world in slow motion...my brain was so busy trying to decode the gibberish spilling from my heart at warp speed, that it had no time to process normal everyday things like, Life..love...and the pursuit of happiness. But now...things are ok. And as much as I'd like to write a moving sermon on the things I dealt with inside, I'll save it for a later date.

 Moving on...a few people have asked me to blog about my relationship.

 Nope.

 Moving on...

 Since it's November, I figured I'd start back to blogging with a few words of thanks... I'm thankful...that I didn't punch some of my friends in their faces a few weeks ago.

"J, why you punching people in their faces"...I'll tell you why.

This year was an election year...and boy did it get ugly. So ugly, in fact, I had to log off of my social media sites to stop my fingers from involuntarily exploding all over my keyboard during election night. Now, before I move forward, let me be clear...I am not a straight ticket voter...I am not a "republican" nor am I a "democrat". As a matter of fact, during one election I voted for Bush. And not because of Bush himself (that man is quite the undesirable) but because of what the platform stood for that year. I am content in my beliefs and my choices. And I love my friends who are content in their beliefs and their choices. I adore conversing with intellectual minds who can come together & discuss philosophy and politics in a mature manner without making another man or women's opinion their own. Even Aristotle recognized this as the universal sign of wisdom. It's the blanket statement, ill-gotten fact finding, fake politicos I can't deal with.

 Being passionate about a matter is one thing...but openly making statements about "all black people" this and "all black people" that & posting racially charged statuses that pop up on my news feed, then high five me & invite out to lunch the next day at work is unacceptable.

 NEWSFLASH--I am NOT your token black friend that thinks its completely ok to rant and rave about your dislike for "black folk" who "must be truly ignorant" & "proved it by voting that coon back into office" *pause* No...not acceptable. Not at all. Not for any reason. Now, don't get me wrong, I am all for social media being an outlet for people to express their feelings, however unconventional or ridiculous their feelings may be..but when those feelings start to leak over & attack the sheer fabric of an entire society, then questions should be raised. It's as if a "Black State of the Union" needs to be held every three months and broadcast from coffee shops and Super Cuts and grocery stores and other random places...they should put it on a loop...and expose those who feel like all "black folk" are ignorant, to another level of power. The power of an educated mind... *silent scream*
 I could go on and on but my tirade has to end somewhere...so let it be here.

Moral of the story?? Well...there isn't one really. I didn't punch anybody. Obama won. The Fallout is starting. The end =)

Meanwhile, I am also thankful for the simple things in life...the love of my family and friends and my significant other. I am thankful for the mind and heart to love others in spite of.  My energy and personality have effectively opened doors for me and created bridges on my path that may have never come to pass if it weren't for the favor of God upon my life. I am thankful for the cliche's...life...health...and strength. And above all, if this year has shown me nothing else, it's that I'm thankful for loving a God who loves me unconditionally. He has set my soul free in a way that a man or woman has never been able to do for me. He is my constant reminder that life is for the living..and living is not for the faint of heart.  He's given me the most priceless possession I own.  Peace.

 So..until next time young world..

 Love & Light...

You look so much better when you...

I'm immersed, trapped, falling, dissapearing. I'm standing, chatting it up, In a room full of people, all alone. My smile reflects the empty edge that is crepping across my personal space. So I smile. I pull energy from the bottom of my feet and respond to the comments: "You look so good girl!" (Thank you *smile*) "You're not here with anybody??" (Nooo, not this time *smile*) "Girl, it's ok cause you look amazing" (awww, thank you girl, you too!! *smile*) etc...the occasional glance from uninteresting unattractive overbearing members of the opposite sex urks my last nerve & and pushes my smile to mega-watt status. Maybe if I put on the full glare, eyes will avert. I smile. I smile to keep from crying. I try and remember that I'm not alone, in the room full of people, feeling all alone. I convince myself that, although I'm the only single person there in a room of fifty couples, I am somebody fully and wholly by myself. God has shaped me in his image. I am wonderful, and kind hearted, and loving, and caring and I have a gorgeous smile. It is my veil. My shield. My one way trip inside myself. I smile so I don't have to venture out to the real world, and realize that, yet again I'm looking good, feeling great, and slowly dissapearing in a room full of people...all alone.


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Beautiful Vices...

Some call them flaws...I like to think of them as the unique gems that make me individually impressive. I sometimes become conscious of my bubbly personality, big heart, or tendency to talk way too much. But then I remember that, if I were demure, stingy, & quiet, I wouldn't be uniquely me...

And so, I take my flaws, polish them up & sit them in my window & admire them...one by one, forever embracing my flaws...my beautiful vices.

j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

With every sunrise...

With every sunrise you mean a little less...your kisses linger in my memory
Your promise fall less heavy in this empty space that once housed our possibilities
I am more & more thankful that the devastation only left me broken , not bitter...
W/every sunrise you mean a little less...& I mean a little more...to me



j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Moving forward...

Very recently I found myself back on a familiar path...closing my eyes running my fingers across memories that resemble the bark on trees, encasing years of life that was poured into our relationship, I could still feel the essence of God residing between the cracks & spaces of our timeline...lips creasing creeping into a smile soul becoming infused with what our laughter felt like. Young dreamers who stumbled across their own Narnia & met in a place where there was no space or time, only the memories. Golden & crisp like ripe melon fresh picked & drenched in sunshine, oh the memories.

Recently I found myself playing the "what-if" game...toying with ideas as volatile as the hands holding them. Staring down the barrel of a gun. I could selfishly choose my own shortcomings or love me enough to think about the longterm. Hmmmm...Looking into my heart I saw the desperation screaming out "when is it my turn. Why.Not.Me" Easier said than swallowed. Easier thought than admitted.

Recently I found myself pausing...reading over the book of my life thus far. I see missing pages, ripped sections, portions blurred by tears that stained my eternity...time has not only been unforgiving, but has shined a stark light of truth upon my towering giants of insecurity. Because the truth is, I've never felt good enough.

Good enough.

Good enough to...to..to be the focus of someone's attn...to be liked for who I am...

Good enough to...BE. And it's amazing what happens to the human spirit when it's subjected to that kind of mental slavery. No amount of accomplishments can revive the death that comes from inner abuse. Years. Years of torture that I slept with at night...I couldn't just...BE. Then we met & I thought "he gets me"...and everything started to change.

Very recently I wandered down a familiar path... familiar but long forgotten...following the trail of footprints...leading back to times when summers were long, faith was on full throttle & spirits were innocent. Confessing to him the one thing I could never admit to myself; tears fell like rain pelting my chest seeping into the cracked barren ground housing my heart...& he spoke words that made me remember how I first felt to be young & in love. Love. "I believe in you. I support you. I love you" Nothing really romantic about it...just truth. Words tossing blows to my psyche like a heavyweight. Bringing with them feelings that force your entire being to recognize the insurmountable power of God within yourself...the beauty...the serenity...the divinity of pouring out and being poured into by a person who...get's you...ya' know?

I believe that our interactions are destined. We've grown through the seasons...apart,together, apart, together...and now we're here and who knows what's to come?? Finally opening my eyes and looking back I see that I've reached the end of our path...full of those memories...eyes lingering on the maybe's, the missed opportunities...I smile to myself knowing that they will always remain where they are because a missed opportunity was just something God never meant to be in that capacity...breathing in deep I will miss this place. I know I'll venture back one day...bring my children & show them where I found myself...where I learned to love. Love God.
Love myself.
Fingers lingering for one second longer across the memories that will forever remain a part of my journey I whisper "thank you"

One last look.
Spinning on my heels, shoulders back, destiny in sight, blinking back tears, smile brimming over from deep within,I move forward...


One foot in front of the other...I love you too.




j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Authenticity, Loyalty...No more gray area

"the heart is forever inexperienced..." -Henry David Thoreau



They say that in math, randomness is order. In my life, what was once order has collapsed into the random. If I were a math problem I'd be on the crux of being figured out. But this is not a math problem and I am no closer to a solution to that question which plagues me than I was when it first presented itself into my world...-ehhhh...C'est la vie *shrugs shoulders*

I've always been a very complex simpleton. When it comes to relationships, romantic and otherwise, I ask two things. Authenticity. Loyalty. That's it. People have heard me say this before and slipped off the deep end into all kinds of rhetoric and deep philosophy and such...and with a wave of my hand I pay them no attention because my method and formula is tried and true. I wish for people to approach me as their authentic selves, free of the worry of what is going through my mind. After this approach, I wish them to prove themselves loyal if asking for my friendship OR seeking me out as a partner in a relationship. When you are authentic you are truthful. You carry those fruits of the Spirit...loving, peaceable, kind hearted etc. Perfect? No, but you are settled enough in your skin that you know what you want (well...as settled as any human being can be)...and then comes the loyalty. Loyalty is a characteristic that will allow a person to act in a certain manner when it comes to those things they are loyal to. When you are loyal to yourself FIRST, you understand how to conduct yourself to keep yourself at your most authentic state at ALL times...you get what I'm saying?? You know how to draw out the artillery when needed...you know which words to use in the moments of turmoil...you know how to hurt feelings without breaking spirits...tell the truth without being spited for it...mastering the delicate craft of coming in contact with the human spirit without hindering it...handling situations so that you are not stepped upon but you remain true to the person God intended you to be. Your most authentic self. Your foundation is solid. When these qualities are in place, then interacting with another is as easy as breathing in and out. It is automatic. It is selfless and takes little effort.

Over the years, I have found that being authentic and loyal will get you everywhere and nowhere, depending on who you ask. Well, in my honest opinion (because it IS MY blog) I think it gets you everywhere...with ME at least.

I am getting to the age where I have acquired the "Fool, I don't know you" face for those who have shown themselves shaky when high winds come along. I treat those around me, how I want to be treated...and when I am wrong, I'm wrong. It's not easy for me to admit, but I do and I get over myself. *a-HEM* More people need to learn how to do that...GET OVER THEMSELVES.

Contrary to popular belief that I am a walking Jeopardy game, I don't know everything...but I DO know this much, I ain't puttin' up with the foolery from GROWN FOLK no more!!! I don't have time. You're in my life or you're not. You call me just to say hi or you don't. You only use me as your ear to vent or you're truly concerned about my well being. Either you're with me or you're not. You support me or you don't. It's black or it's white. I'm done with the gray area...and by all means if you feel I fall in your "cutoff" category, please do so with the QUICKNESS. My feelings are not beyond repair...don't get me wrong, YES, they DO matter. Like my girl Sharon (Princess) says "my feelings are all I have"...but seriously, they are not beyond repair. I'd much rather know your purpose in my life and your intentions for me then to sit around anymore wasting time "hmmmng" & "hawwing" about:
-why we're not like we used to be
-why you won't talk to me
-why we been friends for YEARS, then you get in a relationship and I ONLY hear from you when you're fighting with the sig other o_O
-why you won't hire me at your counter when I know I'm a &#%?$@ good makeup artist!!!
-why you "liked" all my profile pictures then de-friended me on FB
-why I look like the female version of you but you still can't get right[DADDY!!]
-why you don't text me back
-why you won't respond to my Yahoo messages
-why you were down for the goodies til YOUR heart got involved then played me out like one of your "back of the bus hoes"
-why you're married & still tryin' to knock it down
-why you won't RESPOND TO MY YAHOO MESSAGES!!!!

*PAUSE* Wait I said that twice...Ok...sorry...I'm yelling ::blushes:: forgive me...but you get my point. I'm getting too old. It's not worth it. I can't stop the thoughts from drifting into my world every now and then, but I can fa'sho put an end to them!!

So, in lieu of alllll of that, I'm dedicating this blog right'chea to my sanity. My peace of mind. I can't change my past, and you know what, I can't expect You (this includes all the YOU's in my mind & the You's in the minds of all those nodding in agreement while reading this & starting out on this journey with me) to change anything in my future if you are not willing.

As for me and MY HOUSE, we shall not live in the gray area any longer. The truth, though inexplicable at times, will remain steadfast. And guess what, those people in my/your/OUR lives that truly matter, even during those seriously ROUGH patches, they will remain steadfast. All else are (say it with me, on the count of three, 1-2-3) OF NO CONSEQUENCE.

Yup...no more gray area.

Like I said, I'm a very complex simpleton.

Authenticity. Loyalty. That's all I ask...two self containing characteristics that will get you everywhere and nowhere, depending upon whom you ask...

You're probably still wondering what that question was I was asking myself earlier right??

Mmmmmmm...*sighhh* yeahhhh...::gazes out window::

You know...I don't even think it matters anymore...



j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Introspectively speaking...

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity...Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."-Henry David Thoreau




I'm realizing more and more as my breaths turn into sunrises turn into sunsets turn into days weeks months years that I need to take myself a little less seriously. I've found such solace in my goals and accomplishments, but at the same time have found reason to berate myself over my failures. Peace has been on my list of things to acquire for quite some time now, and I've figured out how to attain and hold on to this rare treasure. The moment I stopped wondering why my failures were present in my life, and started understanding that I am a collection of every moment (failures and achievements included) in my life, I figured it out! Peace is not stumbled upon when all the bills in your life are paid, all relationships locked into place, and every day is another monumental picture in the "Who's Who in This Game We Call Life"; it is rather gathered in bits and pieces during those rough patches in our lives...when we are sailing along w/o a destination, and feeling disconnected from our purpose, peace is a decision we make to live every moment!! Not like it's our last or first, but as if it's a privilege. Our circumstances cannot define our peace, because circumstantially, everyone has to sleep at night, and its during those times when we rest that true peace can grow. Its all about conscious efforts. Decisions made inside the moment to fight for your right sleep soundly at night.

Sitting, staring at the water during Christmas Break at my Mom's house, I watched the tide roll in and out...and then it hit me. Waves, miles from shore are still connected to the peaceful lulling ripples nipping at the feet of those strolling by. No matter the position or state of action the water is in, it's all connected. You can't disconnect water from it's wave. Hmmmmm...ok, so the revelation came to me...I'm like that water...I can't be separated from my purpose, even if I tried. This bit of knowledge has completely changed my way of thinking!! I am determined to shake the fear and restlessness and anxiety and stress from my mind and heart and go CONFIDENTLY in the direction of my dreams. God is so great in his ability to reveal the semblance of Earth & Heaven stored in simple nuances of every day life.

I said ALL of that to say, I'm making the effort to see past the mountainous terrain sprawling across my life...I've been so caught up stressing that these failures and burdens and barriers were piling up and blocking me from my blessing instead of just taking a moment to chill...relax...yeah, the mountain has to be climbed but its really ok to pause & enjoy the breeze every now & then...

And besides...I have a better view of sunsets from up here...

it's the little things that make all the difference...


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Really, what happens when the rainbow is not enough!?

Every morning, I wake up & look around my room. I feel the stiffness in my neck & back & the pounding in my head that preoccupied my space when I laid down. I do not feel rested, and my stress is still sitting on top of my chest, holding me down & daring me to breathe deep with threat of crushing my heart forever. My past mistakes echo like heavy lead footsteps down barren halls snaking through cold decrepit homes. The walls always seem a little bit closer, the ceiling a little lower & the only safe place is in my bed. Between my sheets I have found a solace that words can not adequately convey. Tucked in between silk & cotton & a firm feathery mattress I found a support system that has managed to rival working out, hot greasy McDonald's french fries, iced tea on a hot summer's day, chocolate, & even sex (well, what I can remember, this celibacy has gone from a great idea into a long term memory problem...possibly dementia...I digress, different post for a different day)...

***PAUSE***

Ok, maybe not sex, but you get my point. I stumbled across something divine. But just like it's supportive, my bed has become enabling. It is a cruel catch-22. A certified mea culpa that I happily indulge(d) in with no immediate regrets. It seems like I have found myself...found myself wanting to haul myself out of my bed & toss my body off of a bridge. So I'm up now (curled up on the couch) wiping the long built up crust from my perverbial eyes &; I'm asking myself, "really, what happens when the rainbow isn't enough??".

Now don't get me wrong, I am no longer at the point where I want to literally end it all but I'm stuck between that gray area of Life & Death. I'm happily content, set on cruise in the "Existing" lane. I'm unhappy, slightly jaded, still hurting (over some BS mind you), and feeling like the biggest failure I know. When I was twenty, twenty five was the year of reaching my mountain top. Twenty five, has in fact, turned out to be my own personal seventh circle of hell. This year has been ridiculous, and was the follow up to year twenty four which was insane. I'm so happy to be nearing another birthday, but ONLY b/c I'm still alive. I think I'm scared that twenty six will be the "three's the charm" in a mix of events in my life that, albeit character building, have been...well...hard. I can't find another word to sum it up more completely. I'm not complaining, I'm just looking for a reason. A reason to move over to another lane & start driving and living my life again. And this rainbow everyone's chasing certainly hasn't been enough for me.

After talking to a sister of mine from church, she helped me understand two things. 1.) We've ALL been there!! Apparently I'm not alone in the "I feel like a lunatic & wanna DIE" club. But its about how I nurture the seeds in my life. If I cultivate the negativity, it will grow. As on Earth, as is in Heaven...you know how the sayings go...& its the truth. & 2.) Things get better. *sigh* I want to believe her so bad. She's 33, in a wildly budding & prosperous career, newly married to a beautiful man who truly supports her dreams & strengths & is there through the storms & her fears. When we speak, I am always encouraged, but then the logical me creeps up & smacks the positivity from my hand & again I'm left holding nothing.

So...I'm concluding a few things...I'm my worst enemy, I don't support myself enough, & the fact tht I wake up in the mornings should be reason enough...I'm looking for a reason that is already w/in my grasp but seems SO much farther away...so I'm making changes. Slowly. First change?? I'm taking time to really breathe again.

I can't believe it, but I'm actually looking forward to rolling out of bed, opening my blinds & taking a few moments to watch the sun rise again. And although my bed is still my most secure form of support, I think that, with a little practice, my attachment will become less compulsory. Or maybe not. But hey, I still have the the sun rises for now & that's progress (& we take progress where we can get it!!!)

So...really, what's our fate?? What happens to us colored girls when the rainbow is not enough?? Welp, I'm almost positive, convinced even, that the rainbow will NEVER be enough!! Look, I don't have all the answers (uhhhm, obviously) But I truly belive that if we put God first & then find the fervor for our life, our passion, & the one's in our life that we love than that will put us on the path to our purpose...& we'll get there, wherever "there" may be.
Yup. One foot in front of the other.
One sunrise one laugh one smile one hug one step at a time...



j. claude(C)2010 Phoenix

Living life & finding balance**

For all intensive purposes, energy starts out in a neutral state & dependng upon wht it comes in contact with, it becomes one of two thngs...(+) or (-)...yes, it can be disparaged, BUT there are no gray areas...it eithr is or it ain't *LESSON* I cnt deny its presence, but I CAN alter its charge ovr my life...#wisdom

The above is a status* I posted on FB today. Its pretty self explanatory, but for all of my non science heads out there, let me give you a rough breakdown of it...then I'm going to relate it to present day, real life foolywang.

On batteries you see positive and neutral signs and you always hear about positive & neutral energy. Well in science, ALL energy starts out neutral. Energy becomes positive or negative depending upon electrons & neutrons that are being added & taken away. Please don't blow a head gasket on me people, I'm done w/the HS bio presentation. I said all of that to relate this to the positive and negative energy flowing in and out of our lives.

I've always been a fan of sappy cliches (i.e. "Lemons to lemonade", joy comes in the morning", "darkest before the dawn" etc)...& being that is it may, I've written my own. One in particular I wrote in my affirmation. "Take those rocks life is tossing at your head, & start building your foundation"...that's right. I'm saying, when you get thumped upside the dome w/situation after situation, stop sitting amongst the rubble & ruins of your life. Use it to your advantage. And speaking of which, back to energy...

Experiences in our lives are clothed in energy. Every single one of them. Some positive & some negative...but the beauty about energy, much like the beauty of rocks thrown in our direction, is that no matter how it comes at you, you have the option of how you will utilize it. If something negative is happening in your life, change your perspective, move seats, put on your perverbial 3-D life glasses & take another look at things. What can you do to NOT waste that negative energy?? What can you do to apply a bit of positive energy to the situation so that the whole thing can shift for your good?? If any of you know me personally, you know that I've picked up my Bible & I am preaching to MYSELF...

I'm learning to take the rocks, and build a solid foundation (rooted in my walk with Christ & buildng my faith). I'm rerouting negative energy in my life to power the creative muse w/in myself...Urging along my dreams & having that Queen Esther kind of faith. <<---Everything I need, God placed w/in me. This means, no external source should be a means of validation, love, hope, peace, joy etc. External sources that bring along those things in tow is always an added bonus...but that's all it is..its NOT a vital piece of thread holding together my life. Lastly, & most importantly, I am NOT my current situation in life. I think this is where a lot of us ("us" being young mid-twenties in the midst of our budding career or in the crux of our continuing education plans) seem to despair & lose hope. Growing up as competitve youth, many of us don't know how to handle the pitfalls of life. We are used to making a plan & getting to our destination free of roadblocks. We believe that if we are determined & disciplined, we will avoid traps & unnecessary failure. And this is true...but even tho you know with a certainty that the sun will rise & set, you can't say for certain where rain will & won't fall from one day to the next. Its cold one day, hot the next..you get the picture...


Soooo...energy...rocks...lemonade...sunshine...rain...blah blah blah...it all boils down to this, life is gonna happen...so its up to us to find some anchor & get some balance...

I promise, its a LOT harder than it sounds, but its so worth it...


(C)j.claude2010


*the term is "intents & purposes". I apologize for my status faux pas ::blushes::

**This particular blog is dedicated to one of my best home girls, Miss Black NC herself, RaSheeda A. Waddell.

Legendary 18/30

You know...
there are tales of a place where passion grows
It is surrounded by concrete & stone
and its told that travelers of old trapped their lustful moans inside these walls to preserve our way of life during emergencies...
times of duress...
but there's only one path..
guarded by a gate keeper
& they call her Ecstasy
She pledges allegiance to no one but herself
Her twin sisters Amora & Demona are equally as self serving
They are all stunning, conniving, vicious beauties
Do you hear me?
The Devil will play the role of Love who will play the role Ecstacy w/o a second thought
But...so goes life...
and so if you get there at the right time, you'll find the sister that has the key

Ecstasy

they say her eyes are mirrors
so one should not glance long
unless they are comfortable being seen
I mean really seen
And for the right price she will guide you through the darkness...
hips swaying like fruit frm trees
her breathng reminiscent of lilts on a morning breeze
and as the path narrows
its easy to see how passion could grow frm concrete
light escapng frm fissures in the ground bouncing off the ceilng like music notes in no particular order...
Like ivy running up walls
there are slash marks being worn like badges of honor upon these stones...
hurt...
despair...
betrayel...
this is a fountain of life housed in a tomb of death...
but passion, passion grows here
It grows unequivocally & w/o explanation
it rises up under extreme difficult heart wrenching circumstances
this is the one place where man can view God & not be killed frm exposure to the light
the one place to commune w/His energy...to dominate ever present fears & to really be seen
staring into the mirrored eyes of the gatekeepr while she waits..
patiently..ready to show you back to your starting point
but quietly checking for your signal so as not to disturb your meetng w/your destiny
& those who know, know...that until you find that place
the tomb built of stone & concrete, tht place where passion grows
then you'll never understand the interactions & relationships of mankind

& a woman, you will nevr truly know...



(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Off Kilter 17/30

I like to think that I’m doing something worthwhile
That my orated thoughts are catalysts of sorts…
But I remember that nothing new has ever been done
And I know it’s wrong but sometimes I get moody
And I can’t find the point
And I can’t find a reason
And I want to quit life altogether

And I tend to sit
I just sit and stare at my pen in disgust
As I drift through colorful menageries
Longing for straight laced revelations amongst these wrinkles in time
Losing complete sense of value of my words
Thusly losing sight of the value of my worth

So I stop
Stop spinning in circles losing my way
And I find resolution in
Closing my eyes
Freeing my mind
Touching fingertip to tip
Thumbs to bottom lip
Index fingers pressed into the bridge of my nose
Doing the only thing I know to do
Pray…until I find my balance again


(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Honey Bunches of Oats 16/30

Big bowls of cereal captured his heart every single morning

Like clockwork

[tick] went the bowl on the table
[tock] went the spoon against the ceramic
[tick] went the rumbling and bangs from upstairs
[tock] went the slam of the door
[tick] went the beat of his heart
[tock] always managing to recover from it’s falter
Looking up into the face of his beautiful Mother
He’d always notice her complexion around one eye seemed different than the other
But she hushed his comments and admonished him to eat
And so he’d eat
And he’d offer her big soggy spoonfuls from the bottom of his big cereal bowl
Two percent milk dripped from the bottom of his nutmeg colored lips
That wrapped his hundred watt smile
And his Mother would never ever resist
And she would consume his offering
And pray that like her Sunday morning ten percents
This bottom of the bowl sacrifice would supply her with just enough faith
To make it to the next breakfast
And it never ceased to amaze him how his cereal
Could make her cry and laugh in the same breath
And she’d whisper her thank you’s
With her lips painted on to his ear
Then send him off to school

Moment after moment after day after day after year after year

Until he blinked
And the footprints of his Mother had been replaced by his own beautiful wife
And so he would offer her big soggy spoonfuls from the bottom of his big cereal bowl
Two percent milk dripping from the bottom of his nutmeg colored lips
That wrapped his hundred watt smile
And his Wife, much like his Mother, would never ever resist
But the bliss turned a bit distressing when he noticed that
Around her eyes were the same complexion

And so he decided to fix it
Bludgeoned her eye with the force of a typhoon
That forever left her mentally lost at sea & permanently scarred
And he never forgave himself and so he took his regret and stress out on her
Time and again
Like clockwork
[tick] went the glass of the window
[tock] tock went her head against the frame
[tick] went his heart when she’d stop breathing
[tock] though she faltered she never quit living

And every day he’d weep
Plead for her forgiveness
He’d mumble incoherent thoughts concerning his sorrow
But she hushed his comments
Accepted his forgiveness
And admonished him to eat
And so he’d eat
And he’d offer her big soggy spoonfuls from the bottom of his big cereal bowl
Two percent milk dripping from the bottom of his nutmeg colored lips
That wrapped his hundred watt smile

And he finally understood how one could cry and laugh in the same breath
And his Wife would never ever resist
And she would consume his offering
And pray that like her Sunday morning ten percents
This bottom of the bowl sacrifice would supply her with just enough faith
To make it to the next breakfast

(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Misdiagnosis 15/30

I embraced the butterflies that set up residence in my stomach on the eve of our first kiss
That is, until I became an activist
Now the whole world thinks I'm sick
Recklessly bingeing on the idea of you & purging our memories
But that ain’t it
I ain’t sick
I just stuck my finger down my throat to set them free

Let them shake from their wings the residue of putrid spoiled love
Long processed but never digested
Just settling in the pit of my gut
Rising around the butterflies’ feet
Sloshing around the edges of their wings
And as they pushed their feathery extensions toward Heaven praying for release
I assumed that the feelings I felt were of joy & contentment
But the butterflies were no longer content and that meant no relief for me
And with their lives in the balance they warranted their right, their need to be free
And so now you see how it had nothing to do with him
But it had everything to do with the activist in me

So, as not to seem a hypocrite, I did the only decent thing
And though to the outside world it may have looked like I was
Recklessly binging on the idea of you and purging our memories
That was never the case
I simply stuck my finger down my throat
Cause that was the only way to set them free
Plus, the way I figure
The butterflies shouldn’t have to pay for my bad choices in consumption…


(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

When keeping it real goes wrong (Haiku for you) 14/30

Running with scissors/is bad for your health. ::as I/hide the wet floor sign:: ;o)

(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

That was easy enough 13/30

I used to scream and curse the day you were born
because not only did you crack my heart
and steal my ribs so I’d lose the ability to stand upright w/o you
and cut me down at the knees
and then merged your lies with the salve meant to heal me
and then prayed for my healing
and then preyed on my healing
and then pirated my dreams
and then left me for dead
but you successfully managed to taint the Moon
and the Sun too, but secretly the Moon is my favorite

so you see how my indignation reaches new levels at night
when I lay in the breeze and stare at the Moon…
just all kinds of tainted and nasty
you turned it green and dimmed it just a little bit
and it becomes hard for me to view it in it’s complete splendor
without furrowing my brows
and crooking my mouth
and gagging just a little bit
and I blamed you for years

that is until the day I took the initiative & wiped the crusted residue of us from my mind
then from my lips
my hips
my fingertips
and, finally, from my eyes…
blinked a few times & realized
it was never the Moon that was tainted
I just had to get rid of all that debris so I could see clearly

(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

What lies beneath 12/30

She went in for a D & C
But the indecency of the entire matter left her feeling hollow
and rightly so
While laid out across that table all alone like a ram for the taking
Swaddled in a pure cotton fabric sheath
Hem swaying in the sterile breeze circulating through the ventilation system
Hopping skipping and jumping across the dew drops of the
Remaining bits of the fabric of her life that had been left on the table

bit by bit she swallowed the regurgitated mass of bitter words
she’d been force to consume
“ain’t no child of mine havin’ no baby round here, makin’ me look bad”
Bitter acidic words
Tainted
Remnants of altered egos
Indignation
That haughty Church Mother pride
& spiked with tiny shards of hate

But she swallowed them
And soon chased them down with the bitter liquid that would expel from her
the pox that she had brought upon her family’s name and upon their house
handed to her in a goblet, fixed by her own Mother, she drank in remembrance of…
of her hopes that finally she’d have something to call her own
to love her
but at the bottom of the glass there were no memories
only echoes of her ineptitude
grievous miserable child
scorned by the ones she resembled most
ever present by her side
in that cool sterile office all alone
No one to assist with the gift that Miseducation had given her
Even after her shame was covered
The residue of ignorance lay dormant in her womb and gave way to infection
So they scraped her womb
Searching for abnormalities
Searching for a truth

But miseducation led to a misdiagnosis
And the prognosis began a pattern from then on
Her womb healed for awhile
But continued to become infected
Every single time she got pregnant
She was forced to swallow more bitter words
Chased by those bitter home made remedies
Specially purposed to placate…I mean, cure misbeheavin’ children of their sin
But she never told her doctors
Never shared with them her gifts from Miseducation

And so they routinely searched
But to no avail
And it’s no surprise really…

Though infections continuously made haste to settle in her womb
They were problems stemming from products of Ignorance taking shelter in her mind…


(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Mic Frauds (Haiku for you) 11/30

Fresh, from mind to pad./Say it with your actions/your words have grown stale...

(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Truth of the matter is...(Haiku for you) 10/30

anything you can/ do i can do better. I/ just feign dumb for fun!! ;o)




(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Perpetuation 9/30

They tied her down
fertilized her
pointed her in the general direction of the Sun’s arrival during his visits
and cut her

they cut her first at the limbs and said grow
and so like any good student, she grew
followed the instructions of the blind who were leading her
pushed her roots deep into the filth and dirt that was contaminating her fruit
and grew

sipped at the edge of the rivers that were feeding her so much poison
that her green leaves were stained with blue
and not like that blue in the sky
but that black blood blue
that sojourner tubman douglas blue
that star in the sky leading us back home blue
and she grew

and grew

and grew

‘til they chopped her down at the roots
and her fruit toppled to the Earth
smashing and cracking on the rocks
all that infected juice
spilling
penetrating
nourishing the ground around her

listened while the others, tied down, mourned her loss,
listened to them quickly begin the songs of Zion
in thanks for her gracious support of their life
and she smiled, then thought twice
once to warn them not to partake of the plenty
twice to smooth over that twinge of hate that crept up from her hardened core
so she did the only decent thing to do

she took her final breaths and accepted her forced rest
laid out amongst scattered tainted leaves
making a swift escape thru death’s door
leaving in her wake, a cycle perpetuated


(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Right right...True true... 8/30

Periodically I find myself weeping over you
tirelessly
and I'm sorry if the world is tired of hearing
about how I never got tired of hearing
your brazen embodiment of all things living loving and life had to offer me
and you offered it all to me
tirelessly
so periodically I watched you sleep
kept watch over your heart like you were paying me
but money could not put a dent in the compensation your arms dispensed
and I went from nothing to the richest woman in the world
and it was just you and me
and you guarded over me
tirelessly
so periodically I fed you nourishment
found the cracks in your concrete and watered your soul
nurtured the roses that began to grow
and though your rough thorny exterior pained me
your beauty amazed me
and so i risked being stuck
kept getting stuck & bleeding my dreams for you
and your thorns, they kept paining me
and your beauty continued to amaze me
and so I invested on this cyclic endeavor
and to show your appreciation you bloomed
fragrant & amazing & so full of yearning
bloomed right before my eyes
every morning, before the sun, you'd rise
all of this, just for me
tirelessly
so periodically I write a different end to our story
an end that has the potential to begin again
where you’re still offering your guardianship & blooming in the light of the sun
but no matter my delusions, I periodically find myself weeping over you
tirelessly
and tirelessly I have to suck it up
suck it up & remind myself…
fairy tales are for the faint of heart
and everyone has to lose, sometimes

(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-