Chasing Waterfalls...

I had a consultation with a woman today who is getting married in two weeks. She is 42yrs old. As I settled her in my chair and got ready to do her makeup, we began the usual song and dance routine.

Her: how long have you been doing makeup?

Me: about 5 or 6 yrs

Her: you look so beautiful, I could never make myself look like tht

Me: of course you can!! I'm going to show you a few tricks and you'll be good to go

Her: I'm so excited!!!

Etc etc...you get the point. As our conversation moved forward and her face began the transformation from Jane Doe to Hollywood, I decided (against my better judgement) to ask about her engagement. Now, let me preface this by saying, I have been in an emotionally distraught place for awhile now. If you know me, you know tht, plenty of long stories short, me & Love have just NOT had the best relationship. Lots of lessons, lots of poems written, lots of songs sung, but nothing concrete yet. Three men. Three severe loves. Three levels of frustration & heartache. My fulfilment level with myself and my life have been suffering as of late. I am searching for the thing inside I need to feel complete...I've been filling the void with prayer, working out, & I'm ashamed to say, temporarily filling some of tht void with men..well, a man here and there...

So yes...I'm growing into the woman I need to be, & shedding my cocoon has been a bit painful, but I feel like it'll be worth it in the end. And because I was full of tht attitude today, I meandered into uncharted territory. Would this be a sticky sweet story? Would I regret asking? I sucked it up & dove in head first.

Me: wht made you decide to get married??

Her: *pause for thought* well...he asked *huge grin*

Cute right?

As the conversation progressed, she shared her story. 42yrs old and never married. She revealed the bags tht had been weighing her down. Apparently, in her 20's she had a best friend whom she loved with the entirety of her heart. In a tragic tale worthy of the stage, she revealed tht the man she loved was killed. A life swept instantly from this side of life, & carried over to the next. And when he died, a large portion of her died with him. She went on to tell me tht she spent the next 20yrs of her life a wreck. Afraid to love, angry, bitter, hurt, broken...

As I drew near to finishing her makeup, she asked me my age, if I had a boyfriend, had I ever been in love, etc...then she paused & looked at me & said "even in my stubbornness, God blessed me. I just wish I had not prolonged it." Her encouraging words continued to flow forth & fill my soul. She admonished me to continue toward my dreams & not to allow past pain or hurt delay the blessings God has for me. Her candid speech was exactly wht I needed. Here she was, so happy, getting ready to walk down the aisle and commit to loving another soul after she swore she never would love anyone else in her life. How did she manage to sabotage her life for 20yrs? How do you hold onto pain & grief tht long?? But then I looked at myself..was it really too much to imagine tht someone could close themselves off to love tht long, when I had given up on certain aspects of love in my own life?? My relationship with my Father had long ago managed to secretly convinced me tht I was unworthy of the voluntary love of someone else. After all, I was his own blood & he barely acknowledged me, so it just seemed fitting tht my lot in life had been sealed. You may say I sound absurd, but thts the pain I deal with everyday. I look at myself in the mirror & I'm tormented. I see his face & still haven't managed to see me for the wonderful person I hope I turn out to be. I am getting there.

I promise.

Call it crazy, but there I was, standing in front of someone who understood wht it was like to feel like the butt of a cruel joke. Except, she learned her lesson and was reaping her reward. I was still standing there, nodding & taking it all in.

And now, home on my couch, I'm still taking it all in.

It's amazing how God manages to speak to us in the most unlikely venues, through the most unlikely mouthpieces. Today, I came to terms with the fact tht, my daddy issues may be something I have to fight off for the rest of my life. If I ignore them, they will grow & suffocate me. Facing reality is one of the necessities of growing up. Such is life *shrugs* Well, gotta do wht I gotta do...but, I don't gotta do it alone. No more giving in to the hurt. No more self thrown pity parties. No more chasing waterfalls....I have a loving family, supportive friends, and enough dreams to chase to keep me busy for the next two lifetimes.

Everything else will fall in place. It's my job to make sure tht I haven't wasted my life away being broken & bitter & decide to turn 40 & get it together.

You know, she's going to make a beautiful bride...& tho she traveled through a couple decades to finally reach her happyily ever after, she doesn't look a day over 30. Talk about a consultation prize. ;)


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

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Love...Me?

I have an ex-boyfriend who, after three years of us being apart, is still vying for my affection. Every now and then (when I "accidently" answer his phone calls on purpose) I consider getting back with him. I mean let's face it...he is every young black woman's dream. Successful, sexy, loves his parent's, comes from a nuclear family unit, sexy, hilarious, sexy, personable, diverse in his taste in food/music/board games etc, sexy, plays quite a few instruments, and did I mention how fine this man is. *blushes* I have a feeling if he lived closer (like, close enough to make random drive by's) I'd be singing a different tune...and escorting myself to somebody's altar (with my anointing oil in tow) every Wednesday (Bible Study) and Sunday. SMH...I digress. So, why are we not together?? I don't have enough room *chuckles* no, really, we don't work. It's really that simple (well...very complicated but in a very simple perspective). I went through this to say that, I am a girl on one side of this relationship. The one who is getting the texts and calls from a man wanting them back or wanting to see them...all the while catering to some unsuspecting woman currently in their life. I used to always wonder about these other women. Do they have any idea? How serious is the relationship?? Does he really want me back or is he just backtracking to make sure I WASN'T what he wanted?? All of these questions ran through my mind until I became the woman on the other side of the relationship. The woman "talking" to/"involved" with/in a warped relationship with THAT man. The one who is so sick and in love with his ex that he consistently tries to communicate with her. Get back with her. See her. Talk to her. SOMETHING. They need closure...or a fix...or...SOMETHING. All the while, occupying their time with the unsuspecting victim (*raises hand* that would be me, class)...the one who's heart is susceptible to kind words, sweet kisses, & txt messages that set off the bevy of butterflies laying dormant in the pit of your stomach.

The feeling, the NEED to be wanted and FEEL loved, or heck, even appreciated...or...just wanted, can sometimes take its toll on a girl. Providing for oneself and loving oneself and taking care of (emotional/mental/spiritual/physical) oneself is one thing. But that yearning, that deep yearning that grips you in the wee hours of the night to want somebody to love is a beast..and I don't mean love like in a Jodeci/R Kelly/Silk kind of way...but that intimate "let's lay here and play scrabble & listen to the rain & fall asleep" kind of love. Hmmmm...maybe I should just find some cuddly girlfriends to cuddle up with *side eye* ((I'll pass))..BUT, you get my point. It is a very real concern. So, to balance the yearn for love/acceptance/validation with keeping good company with NOT being that girl sometimes gets a bit blurry.

I'm currently in the middle of a situation similar to this (names will be changed to preserve privacy & really, no one cares about a real name) I have been so deep in thought, I've lost sight of the sun. The one thing I am understanding is that, NO MATTER how much fun this man is, or how sweet his kisses are, or how well we get along, if he is still trapped in a bottomless love with an "ex" than it will be impossible to get what I need from him. Even if he wanted to, he can't sincerely love me. Those battle scars from his last relationship, the hope that the relationship may resurface, and his simple crying out for the other woman are altogether filling his heart. So he occupies his time and plays "relationship" with the woman who, incapable of demanding too much from herself, doesn't demand much from him...and so he doesn't give much. JUST enough to keep her baited.

*PAUSE FOR THOUGHT*

I'm tired of being baited. I have experienced love before. It was beautiful. I'm not there anymore. I am certainly woman enough to say that it is something I would like to experience again (and this time, for longer than the life of my best pair of boots). I don't, however, know if I have it in me to stand up for myself & do what it takes to get to that level. Now, don't get me wrong, I will make the first few obligatory stances in the fight...but when it comes down to it, I am fearful that my need for that love will overpower my good God given sense and next thing you know, I'm two Mary J. Blige albums away from finding a bridge (presumably to jump from). In my mind, it would be so much easier if my Mr. Big showed up (minus the 10yr escapades/drama), brought me a fabulous home with a behemoth of a shoe closet in lieu of a ridiculous sized diamond ring, we walked down an aisle strewn with orchid petals with the cool fall breeze filtering through massive cathedral doors. I'd be wearing blue skinny jeans & an eggshell white cowl neck sweater sporting gold feathers in my ears gold Jessica Simpson peep toe platform slingbacks & my curly fro pinned back on one side, strutting toward him standing in his LRG blue jeans, black & gold pinstriped Prada blazer looking like a sunny day after a fresh summer's rain. Breaking out in dance midway while Heavy D & the Boys pumps through the speakers "Now that we found love what are we gonna doooooo, with iiii-iiitttt?!". We vow, we kiss, we dance out into the real world & we find each other. We love each other. We create adventures for ourselves. We laugh together because we are best friends. And all other ex's are a thing of OUR DISTANT past. We. Love. Each. Other. And it's not one sided. Yeah ::sigh:: That's how I envision it.

So I'm looking for the connection, cause I have apparently lost it. I didn't mean for this to turn into another introspective blog, but hey *shrugs* it happens. I really can't keep going from bad decision to bad decision. If I know nothing else about myself, I know that I can't keep putting my heart in harm's way. It's ok to be an independent woman. Get your own, do your thing, make your moves. But it's also ok to know when to stop & realize that, admitting to needing that love and companionship in your life is not a bad thing. Neither is it debilitating or something to be ashamed of. And in saying such, there is nothing wrong with guarding your heart & soul & spirit...afterall it IS the wellspring of your life. I already see a shift happening. Love...Me?

Nope. Either love me or don't. ::points at self in mirror:: No more loving her half heartedly and part time, Jen

Love...me? ::chuckles:: like Erykah said, "And if you don't want to be down with me, You don't want to pick from my appletree" ..Yup.

No more question marks.

And don't worry, I'm not taking my ex back...guess I probably shouldn't return his text either ;)

::puts down laptop..walks away humming::


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

With every sunrise...

With every sunrise you mean a little less...your kisses linger in my memory
Your promise fall less heavy in this empty space that once housed our possibilities
I am more & more thankful that the devastation only left me broken , not bitter...
W/every sunrise you mean a little less...& I mean a little more...to me



j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Moving forward...

Very recently I found myself back on a familiar path...closing my eyes running my fingers across memories that resemble the bark on trees, encasing years of life that was poured into our relationship, I could still feel the essence of God residing between the cracks & spaces of our timeline...lips creasing creeping into a smile soul becoming infused with what our laughter felt like. Young dreamers who stumbled across their own Narnia & met in a place where there was no space or time, only the memories. Golden & crisp like ripe melon fresh picked & drenched in sunshine, oh the memories.

Recently I found myself playing the "what-if" game...toying with ideas as volatile as the hands holding them. Staring down the barrel of a gun. I could selfishly choose my own shortcomings or love me enough to think about the longterm. Hmmmm...Looking into my heart I saw the desperation screaming out "when is it my turn. Why.Not.Me" Easier said than swallowed. Easier thought than admitted.

Recently I found myself pausing...reading over the book of my life thus far. I see missing pages, ripped sections, portions blurred by tears that stained my eternity...time has not only been unforgiving, but has shined a stark light of truth upon my towering giants of insecurity. Because the truth is, I've never felt good enough.

Good enough.

Good enough to...to..to be the focus of someone's attn...to be liked for who I am...

Good enough to...BE. And it's amazing what happens to the human spirit when it's subjected to that kind of mental slavery. No amount of accomplishments can revive the death that comes from inner abuse. Years. Years of torture that I slept with at night...I couldn't just...BE. Then we met & I thought "he gets me"...and everything started to change.

Very recently I wandered down a familiar path... familiar but long forgotten...following the trail of footprints...leading back to times when summers were long, faith was on full throttle & spirits were innocent. Confessing to him the one thing I could never admit to myself; tears fell like rain pelting my chest seeping into the cracked barren ground housing my heart...& he spoke words that made me remember how I first felt to be young & in love. Love. "I believe in you. I support you. I love you" Nothing really romantic about it...just truth. Words tossing blows to my psyche like a heavyweight. Bringing with them feelings that force your entire being to recognize the insurmountable power of God within yourself...the beauty...the serenity...the divinity of pouring out and being poured into by a person who...get's you...ya' know?

I believe that our interactions are destined. We've grown through the seasons...apart,together, apart, together...and now we're here and who knows what's to come?? Finally opening my eyes and looking back I see that I've reached the end of our path...full of those memories...eyes lingering on the maybe's, the missed opportunities...I smile to myself knowing that they will always remain where they are because a missed opportunity was just something God never meant to be in that capacity...breathing in deep I will miss this place. I know I'll venture back one day...bring my children & show them where I found myself...where I learned to love. Love God.
Love myself.
Fingers lingering for one second longer across the memories that will forever remain a part of my journey I whisper "thank you"

One last look.
Spinning on my heels, shoulders back, destiny in sight, blinking back tears, smile brimming over from deep within,I move forward...


One foot in front of the other...I love you too.




j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Authenticity, Loyalty...No more gray area

"the heart is forever inexperienced..." -Henry David Thoreau



They say that in math, randomness is order. In my life, what was once order has collapsed into the random. If I were a math problem I'd be on the crux of being figured out. But this is not a math problem and I am no closer to a solution to that question which plagues me than I was when it first presented itself into my world...-ehhhh...C'est la vie *shrugs shoulders*

I've always been a very complex simpleton. When it comes to relationships, romantic and otherwise, I ask two things. Authenticity. Loyalty. That's it. People have heard me say this before and slipped off the deep end into all kinds of rhetoric and deep philosophy and such...and with a wave of my hand I pay them no attention because my method and formula is tried and true. I wish for people to approach me as their authentic selves, free of the worry of what is going through my mind. After this approach, I wish them to prove themselves loyal if asking for my friendship OR seeking me out as a partner in a relationship. When you are authentic you are truthful. You carry those fruits of the Spirit...loving, peaceable, kind hearted etc. Perfect? No, but you are settled enough in your skin that you know what you want (well...as settled as any human being can be)...and then comes the loyalty. Loyalty is a characteristic that will allow a person to act in a certain manner when it comes to those things they are loyal to. When you are loyal to yourself FIRST, you understand how to conduct yourself to keep yourself at your most authentic state at ALL times...you get what I'm saying?? You know how to draw out the artillery when needed...you know which words to use in the moments of turmoil...you know how to hurt feelings without breaking spirits...tell the truth without being spited for it...mastering the delicate craft of coming in contact with the human spirit without hindering it...handling situations so that you are not stepped upon but you remain true to the person God intended you to be. Your most authentic self. Your foundation is solid. When these qualities are in place, then interacting with another is as easy as breathing in and out. It is automatic. It is selfless and takes little effort.

Over the years, I have found that being authentic and loyal will get you everywhere and nowhere, depending on who you ask. Well, in my honest opinion (because it IS MY blog) I think it gets you everywhere...with ME at least.

I am getting to the age where I have acquired the "Fool, I don't know you" face for those who have shown themselves shaky when high winds come along. I treat those around me, how I want to be treated...and when I am wrong, I'm wrong. It's not easy for me to admit, but I do and I get over myself. *a-HEM* More people need to learn how to do that...GET OVER THEMSELVES.

Contrary to popular belief that I am a walking Jeopardy game, I don't know everything...but I DO know this much, I ain't puttin' up with the foolery from GROWN FOLK no more!!! I don't have time. You're in my life or you're not. You call me just to say hi or you don't. You only use me as your ear to vent or you're truly concerned about my well being. Either you're with me or you're not. You support me or you don't. It's black or it's white. I'm done with the gray area...and by all means if you feel I fall in your "cutoff" category, please do so with the QUICKNESS. My feelings are not beyond repair...don't get me wrong, YES, they DO matter. Like my girl Sharon (Princess) says "my feelings are all I have"...but seriously, they are not beyond repair. I'd much rather know your purpose in my life and your intentions for me then to sit around anymore wasting time "hmmmng" & "hawwing" about:
-why we're not like we used to be
-why you won't talk to me
-why we been friends for YEARS, then you get in a relationship and I ONLY hear from you when you're fighting with the sig other o_O
-why you won't hire me at your counter when I know I'm a &#%?$@ good makeup artist!!!
-why you "liked" all my profile pictures then de-friended me on FB
-why I look like the female version of you but you still can't get right[DADDY!!]
-why you don't text me back
-why you won't respond to my Yahoo messages
-why you were down for the goodies til YOUR heart got involved then played me out like one of your "back of the bus hoes"
-why you're married & still tryin' to knock it down
-why you won't RESPOND TO MY YAHOO MESSAGES!!!!

*PAUSE* Wait I said that twice...Ok...sorry...I'm yelling ::blushes:: forgive me...but you get my point. I'm getting too old. It's not worth it. I can't stop the thoughts from drifting into my world every now and then, but I can fa'sho put an end to them!!

So, in lieu of alllll of that, I'm dedicating this blog right'chea to my sanity. My peace of mind. I can't change my past, and you know what, I can't expect You (this includes all the YOU's in my mind & the You's in the minds of all those nodding in agreement while reading this & starting out on this journey with me) to change anything in my future if you are not willing.

As for me and MY HOUSE, we shall not live in the gray area any longer. The truth, though inexplicable at times, will remain steadfast. And guess what, those people in my/your/OUR lives that truly matter, even during those seriously ROUGH patches, they will remain steadfast. All else are (say it with me, on the count of three, 1-2-3) OF NO CONSEQUENCE.

Yup...no more gray area.

Like I said, I'm a very complex simpleton.

Authenticity. Loyalty. That's all I ask...two self containing characteristics that will get you everywhere and nowhere, depending upon whom you ask...

You're probably still wondering what that question was I was asking myself earlier right??

Mmmmmmm...*sighhh* yeahhhh...::gazes out window::

You know...I don't even think it matters anymore...



j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Legendary 18/30

You know...
there are tales of a place where passion grows
It is surrounded by concrete & stone
and its told that travelers of old trapped their lustful moans inside these walls to preserve our way of life during emergencies...
times of duress...
but there's only one path..
guarded by a gate keeper
& they call her Ecstasy
She pledges allegiance to no one but herself
Her twin sisters Amora & Demona are equally as self serving
They are all stunning, conniving, vicious beauties
Do you hear me?
The Devil will play the role of Love who will play the role Ecstacy w/o a second thought
But...so goes life...
and so if you get there at the right time, you'll find the sister that has the key

Ecstasy

they say her eyes are mirrors
so one should not glance long
unless they are comfortable being seen
I mean really seen
And for the right price she will guide you through the darkness...
hips swaying like fruit frm trees
her breathng reminiscent of lilts on a morning breeze
and as the path narrows
its easy to see how passion could grow frm concrete
light escapng frm fissures in the ground bouncing off the ceilng like music notes in no particular order...
Like ivy running up walls
there are slash marks being worn like badges of honor upon these stones...
hurt...
despair...
betrayel...
this is a fountain of life housed in a tomb of death...
but passion, passion grows here
It grows unequivocally & w/o explanation
it rises up under extreme difficult heart wrenching circumstances
this is the one place where man can view God & not be killed frm exposure to the light
the one place to commune w/His energy...to dominate ever present fears & to really be seen
staring into the mirrored eyes of the gatekeepr while she waits..
patiently..ready to show you back to your starting point
but quietly checking for your signal so as not to disturb your meetng w/your destiny
& those who know, know...that until you find that place
the tomb built of stone & concrete, tht place where passion grows
then you'll never understand the interactions & relationships of mankind

& a woman, you will nevr truly know...



(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Misdiagnosis 15/30

I embraced the butterflies that set up residence in my stomach on the eve of our first kiss
That is, until I became an activist
Now the whole world thinks I'm sick
Recklessly bingeing on the idea of you & purging our memories
But that ain’t it
I ain’t sick
I just stuck my finger down my throat to set them free

Let them shake from their wings the residue of putrid spoiled love
Long processed but never digested
Just settling in the pit of my gut
Rising around the butterflies’ feet
Sloshing around the edges of their wings
And as they pushed their feathery extensions toward Heaven praying for release
I assumed that the feelings I felt were of joy & contentment
But the butterflies were no longer content and that meant no relief for me
And with their lives in the balance they warranted their right, their need to be free
And so now you see how it had nothing to do with him
But it had everything to do with the activist in me

So, as not to seem a hypocrite, I did the only decent thing
And though to the outside world it may have looked like I was
Recklessly binging on the idea of you and purging our memories
That was never the case
I simply stuck my finger down my throat
Cause that was the only way to set them free
Plus, the way I figure
The butterflies shouldn’t have to pay for my bad choices in consumption…


(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

That was easy enough 13/30

I used to scream and curse the day you were born
because not only did you crack my heart
and steal my ribs so I’d lose the ability to stand upright w/o you
and cut me down at the knees
and then merged your lies with the salve meant to heal me
and then prayed for my healing
and then preyed on my healing
and then pirated my dreams
and then left me for dead
but you successfully managed to taint the Moon
and the Sun too, but secretly the Moon is my favorite

so you see how my indignation reaches new levels at night
when I lay in the breeze and stare at the Moon…
just all kinds of tainted and nasty
you turned it green and dimmed it just a little bit
and it becomes hard for me to view it in it’s complete splendor
without furrowing my brows
and crooking my mouth
and gagging just a little bit
and I blamed you for years

that is until the day I took the initiative & wiped the crusted residue of us from my mind
then from my lips
my hips
my fingertips
and, finally, from my eyes…
blinked a few times & realized
it was never the Moon that was tainted
I just had to get rid of all that debris so I could see clearly

(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Right right...True true... 8/30

Periodically I find myself weeping over you
tirelessly
and I'm sorry if the world is tired of hearing
about how I never got tired of hearing
your brazen embodiment of all things living loving and life had to offer me
and you offered it all to me
tirelessly
so periodically I watched you sleep
kept watch over your heart like you were paying me
but money could not put a dent in the compensation your arms dispensed
and I went from nothing to the richest woman in the world
and it was just you and me
and you guarded over me
tirelessly
so periodically I fed you nourishment
found the cracks in your concrete and watered your soul
nurtured the roses that began to grow
and though your rough thorny exterior pained me
your beauty amazed me
and so i risked being stuck
kept getting stuck & bleeding my dreams for you
and your thorns, they kept paining me
and your beauty continued to amaze me
and so I invested on this cyclic endeavor
and to show your appreciation you bloomed
fragrant & amazing & so full of yearning
bloomed right before my eyes
every morning, before the sun, you'd rise
all of this, just for me
tirelessly
so periodically I write a different end to our story
an end that has the potential to begin again
where you’re still offering your guardianship & blooming in the light of the sun
but no matter my delusions, I periodically find myself weeping over you
tirelessly
and tirelessly I have to suck it up
suck it up & remind myself…
fairy tales are for the faint of heart
and everyone has to lose, sometimes

(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Random Ailment 5/30

I've got this problem with my lips
They peel a lot
And see this was never an issue, because it was never an issue until I met you

Met you in late summer

And you first kissed me in early fall
Venom began rubbing off a few weeks later
But it didn’t start visibly affecting me until the seasons shifted
And with the cooler temperatures came the first signs of my ailment

As Winter had a growth spurt and made like Sunday morning
Cold easy and dry became the trifecta that laid the foundation of our house
But because our abode was cold easy and dry
My lips just wouldn’t stop peeling
So I relied on your heat your hardness your moisture
Those irresistible fiery candy coated honey laden sentiments
flowed from your orifice to mine
Sticking to my bottom lip like hot gum crushed up under the weight of sculpted heels

And the more red flags I saw
I protested
But as lip met lip they would stick
And it became easier to stay silent
Until the stickiness subsided
Subsided, and finally gave way to the peeling

The peeling

The peeling, the only sign that I was dealing with an infection
And with every kiss it grew more aggressive
So I searched for ointment, covered it up with the ex’s
No, not Blistex or Carmex
But comparisons of previously nurtured relationships
You know, The Ex’s
Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda.
And since you loved me a little bit better than he should have
And held me a little bit tighter than the rest of them could have
I went along for a ride that, under normal circumstances, I never would have

My sense gave way to common misconceptions
That teaches common simple women
The simple common practice of engaging in unprotected love
So I commonly engaged in unprotected love

With you.

Time and again.

The ensuing pregnancy led to the gestation labor and birth of your seed
So we did the only decent thing
Decided to become a family
We held hands and gazed into each others eye's and named him Insecurity
But dreams faded into reality
The reality that you never loved me

And as the tale goes, you’re gone so I’m left to raise our bastard son
A son who is no less than his Father’s child
Cause when I kiss him at night and our lips meet
Your blood coursing through him meets me
And pumps a little more venom into my soul
And so my lips, they continuously peel
Even though you are long gone
They peel
They peel and its fiery
But I endure the pain
Raise our child in a happy home
And so that our abode never again becomes cold easy or dry
I nurture our seed, kiss him every night
Because no matter the sins of the Father
Every child needs their Mother…


(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Be back shortly (Haiku for you) 3/30

Blue moons pave the way./One ticket to outer space./Gone (to find my love)


(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

If you're not first... 2/30

Coming in second place NEVER sat well with me

and although my love for you wafts thick

it's not thick enough to mask the pungent odor of the stale nothings you whisper in my ear

the rough edges of fingertips once soft caressing her mind

now weathered by the winds in your travels to be by my side

I can no longer oblige

I love you enough to give you time to finish it with her & with me begin to build

I love me enough to know that you never will...



(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

And just like that...

I loved you past my pain
No matter the circumstance
I-and the universe-heard everything you ever said
And so I loved you
kissed your tears as if they were my own
mended your insecurities
loved you past my pain
made myself believe in this monstrosity
bottled it up deep down w/in my empty chasm
tucked it behind a wasted space
built it shelter
four walls
one ceiling
no sky
no escape
And I loved you
I loved you past my pain
latched onto every word that spilled past your tongue
empty letters dancing across my eyelids
caressing my lips
cascading the span of my hips
the reach of my fingertips
you gave me something to believe in
maybe just maybe I was worth this feeling
and I held on not knowing if I'd ever feel it again
allowed you break the only thing of value to me
cause I loved you
so much so that I forgot about me
and I got lost
lost gazing in your soul at my reflection
lost loving you
incredible amazing insightful being that I knew

...and for what it's worth
I loved you...
loved you past my own pain...
...and for what it's worth
I know I don't have to say it
but I thought you should know
I'm really...
finally...
free...


...think that about covers it...

--and just like that...the door slammed shut... ;o)

-j

Well since you asked...

To get real serious about it, I've held hands and broken bread w/Love twice, And both times we parted ways but under different circumstances. See, Love and I are friends, and I don't blame the player I blame the game for bringing our interactions to a temporary standstill. Too many "get out of jail free cards", we got distracted and took the long way in "Life", popped a double and screamed out "TROUBLE" but had no "Clue" where to find the letters needed to un-"Scrabble" the entire situation so we were left standing in our separate corners lookin' quite dumb waiting on the other to stop the cruel "Monopol"-ization of the heart. Unrecognizable "Guesture"s and unneeded "Outbursts" left us riddled with doubt & mistrust and then the war began...we manned our stations on either ends of our "Battleship"s and it was all downhill from there.

But like I said I blame the game. The countless hours of multi media broadcast that formulate the dribble we happily lap up at a moment's notice. Teaching us the art of looking, finding, and securing the "ideal" Love before becoming the ideal Love ourselves...and not to say 'ideal' has bones to do with superficiality, but dealing with the crux of numerous issues such as trust, lack of communication, honesty, truth etc...taking the time to wipe the dust from the many facets of our lives such as mental/emotional/psycholog

ical/spiritual/physical health before laying fingertip on someone else's menagerie seems to be so much easier said than done...and as much as it doesn't want to be heard, I take great joy in saying that, as much as I am a feminist, I am a logical thinker and Ladies, these "if, then" situations we knowingly put ourselves into does not help our case when pleading with Love not to make it's sudden grand exit stage left [Myself included!] Case in point: "IF" his Character & Actions speaks volumes about him, "THEN" stop the foolery of asking everyone else's opinion b/c you already know...Character & Action are best friends and I will rock with them til the end. They are always on time, and on one accord w/the other etc and so on and so forth.

Meanwhile, with me & Love being so cool and all, I can go ahead and let you in on a few things Love told me itself...Love is not a clinic [don't show up if you're sick] it's not a repair shop [don't rock w/it if you're broken] it's not a Krispy Kreme [don't stop through for that quick fix]...but the beauty of love is that it has a duality clause that says, once you're there, all in the mix Twix'in w/Love, it has healing properties to aid you during those sniffly times...and it's pretty darn adhesive & does wonders w/patching things up...and sometimes-just sometimes-when you've done all you can and are fed up to HERE it'll be that comfort food that makes it ALL better... ;o)

To get down to the reason behind this very random blurb, today someone asked me what love was, in my eyes...to me, It's a process that requires time effort and dedication and many other individualistic amenities...it's hard to be general when no two people, in any one relationship, experiences the same make/model/color of Love... but one thing is very certain, Love, in all of it's complexity, simply remains the same. It's a road that does not wither or crack or lead to dead ends...it's an age old game, new players same rules: Love is patient, it is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs[1Cor13:4]...to me, these rules govern personal aspects and situations that won't and can't apply to any other woman I know b/c every woman is different...I think we just all want to be loved generally, in different aspects of the word, by any means necessary, depending upon what we specifically need when we wake up in the morning...and we will, in turn, reciprocate..with all of our heart, by any means necessary and in every sense of the word...and then...you pass "Go", collect $200, and...win ;o)


-j

Humanity & it's Complex

Humanity & It's Complex

You're crazy if you think you know the truth about the persons
standing in front of you.
You're crazy if you think you don't.

You see, irregular erroneous outrageous comments once led me to believe that feigning emotional apathy was the inherent popular behavior of choice.

And I sought to figure out why such multi-faceted minds & bodies sacrificed such beautiful hearts&souls for immediate gratification with such long term repercussions;
taking no lessons from the past, expecting no faith [being the substance of things hoped for] from the future.

The activist in me screams out for equal rights to choose, and wants the world to know that the seediest of opinions matter because every single body is deserving of the opportunity to speak the fullness of their mind's contents to their heart's content.

I am aware, however, that misguided souls tend to spew forth the poison that's been breast fed thru their nurture, enveloped by their nature, shaped by their ignorance's & set on fire by their liberties.

So the activist in me is quelled...for now.

And as my ranting & raving grows beyond my control, I begin to understand that behind the words are the lies made up of blurred truths, held together by realities that have been fortified with misconceptions and buttressed with muddled idiosyncrasies.

So yeah...the activist in me has nothing left to say.

No man is an island, yet every man is an island.

That being said, I cannot knowingly support ignorance as an excuse...I do however pray God's grace & blessings upon the the humanity behind irrational decisions.

Why, you ask?

You see, irregular erroneous outrageous comments once led me to believe that feigning emotional apathy was the inherent popular behavior of choice.

But at the end of the day, with our faces in our hands, we all just want to be loved, by any means necessary, in every aspect of the word.



peace&love
j.claude