Prayer, Fasting, & Works of Love...my 40 Days starts NOW...

Today starts the last Lent of my 20's.  I am determined to finish strong, and to reach a higher level of spiritual growth and self-awareness.

Although I'd MUCH MUCH MUCH rather give up homework, showing up for life events (work, appointments etc), working out, being nice to rude people, and abstinence for Lent--I, instead, have settled on giving up Pasta, Sweet Tea, Ginger Ale, Chocolate, Wine, Bacon, Negative comments & my Road Rage for Lent [ideally I can leave Road Rage and Negativity behind me forever].  In turn, I do plan on creating a log of 40 Days of Reflection here on my blog, and will make a conscious effort to spend 15mins a day [NOT when I'm falling asleep] cut off from all of the distractions in my life and use that time to pray.  I am also going to do #40acts [my works of love] ... although a naturally kind person, I will find ways to be a blessing to others intentionally and with joy in my heart.  This next six weeks should be interesting.  I'm looking forward to the journey. 


What are you sacrificing for Christ during this Lent season?  What are you praying for?  What do you hope to gain?? 

Check in from time to see what's on my mind...chime in and tell me how you're doing...help me get through NO CHOCOLATE OR GINGER ALE FOR SIX WEEKS *chuckles*...we can do it together!!

My 40 Days starts NOW.




  Love & Light...  

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"  Phil 4:13

Giving thanks, & such...

Last year, around this time, I apologized for slacking in my blog writing & promised to come back, better than ever. Well...I lied. Not on purpose, but still, it was void of truth. I've purposefully taken time away from blogging/writing/poetry/open mic nights etc, to continue enhancing my growth. I've done the most spiritual/mental/emotional growth this past year, than I've done since I turned 20. From the age of 24 (the year of the dreaded "Blood Clot") til now, I was on a long wandering road finding myself.

 Finding myself in shambles...finding myself ashamed...finding myself confused...but no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find Jennifer.  And when one is not able to find one's self, it makes it hard to share of yourself. Unless of course you want to read something that looks like this:

 "45*@^#^@)*&&%%#$jdh jdkenu sksihjccn 2548s1d5x115x1@%@^$#**^%$$#..."

 That's literally how I felt inside for a long time...every time my eyes blinked, it was like seeing the world in slow motion...my brain was so busy trying to decode the gibberish spilling from my heart at warp speed, that it had no time to process normal everyday things like, Life..love...and the pursuit of happiness. But now...things are ok. And as much as I'd like to write a moving sermon on the things I dealt with inside, I'll save it for a later date.

 Moving on...a few people have asked me to blog about my relationship.

 Nope.

 Moving on...

 Since it's November, I figured I'd start back to blogging with a few words of thanks... I'm thankful...that I didn't punch some of my friends in their faces a few weeks ago.

"J, why you punching people in their faces"...I'll tell you why.

This year was an election year...and boy did it get ugly. So ugly, in fact, I had to log off of my social media sites to stop my fingers from involuntarily exploding all over my keyboard during election night. Now, before I move forward, let me be clear...I am not a straight ticket voter...I am not a "republican" nor am I a "democrat". As a matter of fact, during one election I voted for Bush. And not because of Bush himself (that man is quite the undesirable) but because of what the platform stood for that year. I am content in my beliefs and my choices. And I love my friends who are content in their beliefs and their choices. I adore conversing with intellectual minds who can come together & discuss philosophy and politics in a mature manner without making another man or women's opinion their own. Even Aristotle recognized this as the universal sign of wisdom. It's the blanket statement, ill-gotten fact finding, fake politicos I can't deal with.

 Being passionate about a matter is one thing...but openly making statements about "all black people" this and "all black people" that & posting racially charged statuses that pop up on my news feed, then high five me & invite out to lunch the next day at work is unacceptable.

 NEWSFLASH--I am NOT your token black friend that thinks its completely ok to rant and rave about your dislike for "black folk" who "must be truly ignorant" & "proved it by voting that coon back into office" *pause* No...not acceptable. Not at all. Not for any reason. Now, don't get me wrong, I am all for social media being an outlet for people to express their feelings, however unconventional or ridiculous their feelings may be..but when those feelings start to leak over & attack the sheer fabric of an entire society, then questions should be raised. It's as if a "Black State of the Union" needs to be held every three months and broadcast from coffee shops and Super Cuts and grocery stores and other random places...they should put it on a loop...and expose those who feel like all "black folk" are ignorant, to another level of power. The power of an educated mind... *silent scream*
 I could go on and on but my tirade has to end somewhere...so let it be here.

Moral of the story?? Well...there isn't one really. I didn't punch anybody. Obama won. The Fallout is starting. The end =)

Meanwhile, I am also thankful for the simple things in life...the love of my family and friends and my significant other. I am thankful for the mind and heart to love others in spite of.  My energy and personality have effectively opened doors for me and created bridges on my path that may have never come to pass if it weren't for the favor of God upon my life. I am thankful for the cliche's...life...health...and strength. And above all, if this year has shown me nothing else, it's that I'm thankful for loving a God who loves me unconditionally. He has set my soul free in a way that a man or woman has never been able to do for me. He is my constant reminder that life is for the living..and living is not for the faint of heart.  He's given me the most priceless possession I own.  Peace.

 So..until next time young world..

 Love & Light...

Pause for thought...

It's December. Another year older...another year almost gone...another year that I've slacked on my blog writing. Let me go on record and say that, as an artist, there are times when, you have SO SO SO much to get out, that you resort to not writing at all in fear that yoo, or your laptop, will explode, depending upon which one overheats first. Ehh...ok, with the New Year approaching, I will begin my faux New Years non resolution by being more consistent about blogging. I'm going to have to be...I'm buckling down on my writing and music making, and so a key piece of my dream of the world hearing my heart is that I have to put myself out there and quit pulling back into my turtle shell when things start getting rough. As a quick look back over 2011, I can honestly say that starting out the year I didn't think I'd make it to the end of the year...but now that I'm here, I'm so glad that I held on to whatever glimmer of faith/hope that God hung outside of my heart's window. It's a struggle and a daily process, but I never wish to be at the mercy of Suicide again...taking one's life is a very permanent solution to very temporary problems. My life is an open book & I'm so thankful that I have another chapter to add to my story... I'll be back this week to post a series of blogs about my observations of some interesting relationships in my path... Until then, I will end with this...With God, ALL things are possible Peace & Love -j

Chasing Waterfalls...

I had a consultation with a woman today who is getting married in two weeks. She is 42yrs old. As I settled her in my chair and got ready to do her makeup, we began the usual song and dance routine.

Her: how long have you been doing makeup?

Me: about 5 or 6 yrs

Her: you look so beautiful, I could never make myself look like tht

Me: of course you can!! I'm going to show you a few tricks and you'll be good to go

Her: I'm so excited!!!

Etc etc...you get the point. As our conversation moved forward and her face began the transformation from Jane Doe to Hollywood, I decided (against my better judgement) to ask about her engagement. Now, let me preface this by saying, I have been in an emotionally distraught place for awhile now. If you know me, you know tht, plenty of long stories short, me & Love have just NOT had the best relationship. Lots of lessons, lots of poems written, lots of songs sung, but nothing concrete yet. Three men. Three severe loves. Three levels of frustration & heartache. My fulfilment level with myself and my life have been suffering as of late. I am searching for the thing inside I need to feel complete...I've been filling the void with prayer, working out, & I'm ashamed to say, temporarily filling some of tht void with men..well, a man here and there...

So yes...I'm growing into the woman I need to be, & shedding my cocoon has been a bit painful, but I feel like it'll be worth it in the end. And because I was full of tht attitude today, I meandered into uncharted territory. Would this be a sticky sweet story? Would I regret asking? I sucked it up & dove in head first.

Me: wht made you decide to get married??

Her: *pause for thought* well...he asked *huge grin*

Cute right?

As the conversation progressed, she shared her story. 42yrs old and never married. She revealed the bags tht had been weighing her down. Apparently, in her 20's she had a best friend whom she loved with the entirety of her heart. In a tragic tale worthy of the stage, she revealed tht the man she loved was killed. A life swept instantly from this side of life, & carried over to the next. And when he died, a large portion of her died with him. She went on to tell me tht she spent the next 20yrs of her life a wreck. Afraid to love, angry, bitter, hurt, broken...

As I drew near to finishing her makeup, she asked me my age, if I had a boyfriend, had I ever been in love, etc...then she paused & looked at me & said "even in my stubbornness, God blessed me. I just wish I had not prolonged it." Her encouraging words continued to flow forth & fill my soul. She admonished me to continue toward my dreams & not to allow past pain or hurt delay the blessings God has for me. Her candid speech was exactly wht I needed. Here she was, so happy, getting ready to walk down the aisle and commit to loving another soul after she swore she never would love anyone else in her life. How did she manage to sabotage her life for 20yrs? How do you hold onto pain & grief tht long?? But then I looked at myself..was it really too much to imagine tht someone could close themselves off to love tht long, when I had given up on certain aspects of love in my own life?? My relationship with my Father had long ago managed to secretly convinced me tht I was unworthy of the voluntary love of someone else. After all, I was his own blood & he barely acknowledged me, so it just seemed fitting tht my lot in life had been sealed. You may say I sound absurd, but thts the pain I deal with everyday. I look at myself in the mirror & I'm tormented. I see his face & still haven't managed to see me for the wonderful person I hope I turn out to be. I am getting there.

I promise.

Call it crazy, but there I was, standing in front of someone who understood wht it was like to feel like the butt of a cruel joke. Except, she learned her lesson and was reaping her reward. I was still standing there, nodding & taking it all in.

And now, home on my couch, I'm still taking it all in.

It's amazing how God manages to speak to us in the most unlikely venues, through the most unlikely mouthpieces. Today, I came to terms with the fact tht, my daddy issues may be something I have to fight off for the rest of my life. If I ignore them, they will grow & suffocate me. Facing reality is one of the necessities of growing up. Such is life *shrugs* Well, gotta do wht I gotta do...but, I don't gotta do it alone. No more giving in to the hurt. No more self thrown pity parties. No more chasing waterfalls....I have a loving family, supportive friends, and enough dreams to chase to keep me busy for the next two lifetimes.

Everything else will fall in place. It's my job to make sure tht I haven't wasted my life away being broken & bitter & decide to turn 40 & get it together.

You know, she's going to make a beautiful bride...& tho she traveled through a couple decades to finally reach her happyily ever after, she doesn't look a day over 30. Talk about a consultation prize. ;)


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

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Love...Me?

I have an ex-boyfriend who, after three years of us being apart, is still vying for my affection. Every now and then (when I "accidently" answer his phone calls on purpose) I consider getting back with him. I mean let's face it...he is every young black woman's dream. Successful, sexy, loves his parent's, comes from a nuclear family unit, sexy, hilarious, sexy, personable, diverse in his taste in food/music/board games etc, sexy, plays quite a few instruments, and did I mention how fine this man is. *blushes* I have a feeling if he lived closer (like, close enough to make random drive by's) I'd be singing a different tune...and escorting myself to somebody's altar (with my anointing oil in tow) every Wednesday (Bible Study) and Sunday. SMH...I digress. So, why are we not together?? I don't have enough room *chuckles* no, really, we don't work. It's really that simple (well...very complicated but in a very simple perspective). I went through this to say that, I am a girl on one side of this relationship. The one who is getting the texts and calls from a man wanting them back or wanting to see them...all the while catering to some unsuspecting woman currently in their life. I used to always wonder about these other women. Do they have any idea? How serious is the relationship?? Does he really want me back or is he just backtracking to make sure I WASN'T what he wanted?? All of these questions ran through my mind until I became the woman on the other side of the relationship. The woman "talking" to/"involved" with/in a warped relationship with THAT man. The one who is so sick and in love with his ex that he consistently tries to communicate with her. Get back with her. See her. Talk to her. SOMETHING. They need closure...or a fix...or...SOMETHING. All the while, occupying their time with the unsuspecting victim (*raises hand* that would be me, class)...the one who's heart is susceptible to kind words, sweet kisses, & txt messages that set off the bevy of butterflies laying dormant in the pit of your stomach.

The feeling, the NEED to be wanted and FEEL loved, or heck, even appreciated...or...just wanted, can sometimes take its toll on a girl. Providing for oneself and loving oneself and taking care of (emotional/mental/spiritual/physical) oneself is one thing. But that yearning, that deep yearning that grips you in the wee hours of the night to want somebody to love is a beast..and I don't mean love like in a Jodeci/R Kelly/Silk kind of way...but that intimate "let's lay here and play scrabble & listen to the rain & fall asleep" kind of love. Hmmmm...maybe I should just find some cuddly girlfriends to cuddle up with *side eye* ((I'll pass))..BUT, you get my point. It is a very real concern. So, to balance the yearn for love/acceptance/validation with keeping good company with NOT being that girl sometimes gets a bit blurry.

I'm currently in the middle of a situation similar to this (names will be changed to preserve privacy & really, no one cares about a real name) I have been so deep in thought, I've lost sight of the sun. The one thing I am understanding is that, NO MATTER how much fun this man is, or how sweet his kisses are, or how well we get along, if he is still trapped in a bottomless love with an "ex" than it will be impossible to get what I need from him. Even if he wanted to, he can't sincerely love me. Those battle scars from his last relationship, the hope that the relationship may resurface, and his simple crying out for the other woman are altogether filling his heart. So he occupies his time and plays "relationship" with the woman who, incapable of demanding too much from herself, doesn't demand much from him...and so he doesn't give much. JUST enough to keep her baited.

*PAUSE FOR THOUGHT*

I'm tired of being baited. I have experienced love before. It was beautiful. I'm not there anymore. I am certainly woman enough to say that it is something I would like to experience again (and this time, for longer than the life of my best pair of boots). I don't, however, know if I have it in me to stand up for myself & do what it takes to get to that level. Now, don't get me wrong, I will make the first few obligatory stances in the fight...but when it comes down to it, I am fearful that my need for that love will overpower my good God given sense and next thing you know, I'm two Mary J. Blige albums away from finding a bridge (presumably to jump from). In my mind, it would be so much easier if my Mr. Big showed up (minus the 10yr escapades/drama), brought me a fabulous home with a behemoth of a shoe closet in lieu of a ridiculous sized diamond ring, we walked down an aisle strewn with orchid petals with the cool fall breeze filtering through massive cathedral doors. I'd be wearing blue skinny jeans & an eggshell white cowl neck sweater sporting gold feathers in my ears gold Jessica Simpson peep toe platform slingbacks & my curly fro pinned back on one side, strutting toward him standing in his LRG blue jeans, black & gold pinstriped Prada blazer looking like a sunny day after a fresh summer's rain. Breaking out in dance midway while Heavy D & the Boys pumps through the speakers "Now that we found love what are we gonna doooooo, with iiii-iiitttt?!". We vow, we kiss, we dance out into the real world & we find each other. We love each other. We create adventures for ourselves. We laugh together because we are best friends. And all other ex's are a thing of OUR DISTANT past. We. Love. Each. Other. And it's not one sided. Yeah ::sigh:: That's how I envision it.

So I'm looking for the connection, cause I have apparently lost it. I didn't mean for this to turn into another introspective blog, but hey *shrugs* it happens. I really can't keep going from bad decision to bad decision. If I know nothing else about myself, I know that I can't keep putting my heart in harm's way. It's ok to be an independent woman. Get your own, do your thing, make your moves. But it's also ok to know when to stop & realize that, admitting to needing that love and companionship in your life is not a bad thing. Neither is it debilitating or something to be ashamed of. And in saying such, there is nothing wrong with guarding your heart & soul & spirit...afterall it IS the wellspring of your life. I already see a shift happening. Love...Me?

Nope. Either love me or don't. ::points at self in mirror:: No more loving her half heartedly and part time, Jen

Love...me? ::chuckles:: like Erykah said, "And if you don't want to be down with me, You don't want to pick from my appletree" ..Yup.

No more question marks.

And don't worry, I'm not taking my ex back...guess I probably shouldn't return his text either ;)

::puts down laptop..walks away humming::


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

You look so much better when you...

I'm immersed, trapped, falling, dissapearing. I'm standing, chatting it up, In a room full of people, all alone. My smile reflects the empty edge that is crepping across my personal space. So I smile. I pull energy from the bottom of my feet and respond to the comments: "You look so good girl!" (Thank you *smile*) "You're not here with anybody??" (Nooo, not this time *smile*) "Girl, it's ok cause you look amazing" (awww, thank you girl, you too!! *smile*) etc...the occasional glance from uninteresting unattractive overbearing members of the opposite sex urks my last nerve & and pushes my smile to mega-watt status. Maybe if I put on the full glare, eyes will avert. I smile. I smile to keep from crying. I try and remember that I'm not alone, in the room full of people, feeling all alone. I convince myself that, although I'm the only single person there in a room of fifty couples, I am somebody fully and wholly by myself. God has shaped me in his image. I am wonderful, and kind hearted, and loving, and caring and I have a gorgeous smile. It is my veil. My shield. My one way trip inside myself. I smile so I don't have to venture out to the real world, and realize that, yet again I'm looking good, feeling great, and slowly dissapearing in a room full of people...all alone.


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Beautiful Vices...

Some call them flaws...I like to think of them as the unique gems that make me individually impressive. I sometimes become conscious of my bubbly personality, big heart, or tendency to talk way too much. But then I remember that, if I were demure, stingy, & quiet, I wouldn't be uniquely me...

And so, I take my flaws, polish them up & sit them in my window & admire them...one by one, forever embracing my flaws...my beautiful vices.

j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

With every sunrise...

With every sunrise you mean a little less...your kisses linger in my memory
Your promise fall less heavy in this empty space that once housed our possibilities
I am more & more thankful that the devastation only left me broken , not bitter...
W/every sunrise you mean a little less...& I mean a little more...to me



j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

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Freedom & Peace 21/30

One day

One day, I will stop crying
Because beautiful is not this
puffy red eyed misery staring back at me from behind shadowless memories

One day, he will come back for me
He will call me baby girl and kiss me on the forehead like he misses me
He will recognize my smile every time he brushes his teeth at night
He will love me like the part of him I am

One day, I will feel like I belong
like I'm not destined to wander dusty roads
in search of a rolling stone that made his home
amidst shallow promises flowing like a river from beneath mountains of time
time will stand still while I take the clock and rewind us

One day, I will make him feel lucky
like he's the luckiest man in the world
like he's my Dad and I'm his girl
and he'll stand over me in the rain
preserving the sugar and spice and everything nice that all little girls are made of

One day he'll remember
he'll remember to tell me that I'm worth everything
and on the days I feel like nothing
he'll remind me that I'm always something in his pocket full of memories
his heart full of him and me

One day, I'll stop wishing
that my father was more than a dream to me
that he was my reality
that I knew how to let a man love me cause I'd learned it from my Father
a father who was lucky to have me


One day...my childhood will stop haunting me...
One day I'll have it
Freedom & Peace...


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Dumbed Down 20/30

Uneasy
Unrest that follows the hesitation stuck in your chest
like breaths trapped in the onslaught of asthmatic gasps for life
there is no room for capturing of revelations or deeply inhaling
so haling Marys becomes the first choice of instinct
this insight staggers in on the tail end of
pipe dreams laced with trace amounts of reality

two hits to an already unstable psyche convinces me that
prime time tv remains the only place where
relativity is relatively accessible
so bartering my gifts and talents to the highest bidder makes me marketable
my soul, once unattainable, is next in line to be strapped across the auction block
and as long as I'm content in selling my flesh
trading venues for sex
they will from time to time let me slip in some of my own unadulterated thoughts

ignorance, like shrapnel, pierces the core of my beliefs
bullet wounds to my sanity
shots to the head assasinating royalty

"assimilation
assimilation
assimilation"

they demand & they scream

and so just like I bleed the remnants of life
cyclic
periodically dripping between my fleshy thighs
The message God has given me bleeds out of the wounds
dripping and sticking around my eyes

reaching up & wiping away relics of warrior cries
fingers stained with the crusted remains of deities
songs on the wind and the wisdom of ageless men
but I can't stop the loss
and it crowds my lids making my vision blurry
Kings and Queens sing tribal songs of sorrow the more I blink
cause the more I blink, the less I see
and the, less I see the less I think
and the less I think the less I need to make a scene
and the less I need to make a scene the more money they are willing to pay me
cause they know I got mouths to feed
but if I'm anything like the degenerate bleeding out beside me
I'm blowing this first whiff of cash on anything shiny and fast
and I'll be back knocking on the door first thing in the morning
beggin them to hit me
hit me
hit me with a little somethin' more

cause at first I was inhaling
pipe dreams laced with small amounts of reality
but now I'm ready
I'm haling Marys
while they plug me into the system
like needles crossing the barriers of skin
I no longer hear the wind song or the wisdom of ageless men
Kings and Queens have been silenced
I'm injected
purposely infected
disease ridden
carrying the virus of those same men who
once told my Grandfather he was nothin'
after sellin' him 14acres of land
then forcing him to guess the number of beans in a mason jar
just to gain the right to take my Grandmother's hand
and ask for something as precious as marriage
they made spectacles out of them and made them out to be horses to a carriage
fitted with braces and weighted down with words that carried
heavy soul crushing stigmas that were unfair and unbalanced
Ignorance...infectious...deadly

Coursing through my veins making me immune to reason
I hear only my heart beating
the rhythmic call to order
finally got me to breathe without thinking
and now I'm living without dreaming
cranking out ruthless garbage without feeling
I'm yearning but not feining
learning never teaching
seeing never seeing
saying nothing REAL LOUD
dumbed down for mass pleasing

I'm restless and...
Uneasy
Unrest that follows the hesitation stuck in your chest
like breaths trapped in the onslaught of asthmatic gasps for life
there is no room for capturing of revelations or deeply inhaling
so haling Marys once again becomes the first choice of instinct
this insight staggers in on the tail end of
pipe dreams laced with trace amounts of reality

and though the revolution shies away from being televised
you can find it right before your eyes
while you're standing there blinking in sync to the chanting of your name
you've reached super star high
hidden agenda personified

successful...ly silenced

a new sheep for the spotlight...

blinking...


blinking...

every now and then wondering if
the selling of your soul
was worth getting high off your dream...




j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Moving forward...

Very recently I found myself back on a familiar path...closing my eyes running my fingers across memories that resemble the bark on trees, encasing years of life that was poured into our relationship, I could still feel the essence of God residing between the cracks & spaces of our timeline...lips creasing creeping into a smile soul becoming infused with what our laughter felt like. Young dreamers who stumbled across their own Narnia & met in a place where there was no space or time, only the memories. Golden & crisp like ripe melon fresh picked & drenched in sunshine, oh the memories.

Recently I found myself playing the "what-if" game...toying with ideas as volatile as the hands holding them. Staring down the barrel of a gun. I could selfishly choose my own shortcomings or love me enough to think about the longterm. Hmmmm...Looking into my heart I saw the desperation screaming out "when is it my turn. Why.Not.Me" Easier said than swallowed. Easier thought than admitted.

Recently I found myself pausing...reading over the book of my life thus far. I see missing pages, ripped sections, portions blurred by tears that stained my eternity...time has not only been unforgiving, but has shined a stark light of truth upon my towering giants of insecurity. Because the truth is, I've never felt good enough.

Good enough.

Good enough to...to..to be the focus of someone's attn...to be liked for who I am...

Good enough to...BE. And it's amazing what happens to the human spirit when it's subjected to that kind of mental slavery. No amount of accomplishments can revive the death that comes from inner abuse. Years. Years of torture that I slept with at night...I couldn't just...BE. Then we met & I thought "he gets me"...and everything started to change.

Very recently I wandered down a familiar path... familiar but long forgotten...following the trail of footprints...leading back to times when summers were long, faith was on full throttle & spirits were innocent. Confessing to him the one thing I could never admit to myself; tears fell like rain pelting my chest seeping into the cracked barren ground housing my heart...& he spoke words that made me remember how I first felt to be young & in love. Love. "I believe in you. I support you. I love you" Nothing really romantic about it...just truth. Words tossing blows to my psyche like a heavyweight. Bringing with them feelings that force your entire being to recognize the insurmountable power of God within yourself...the beauty...the serenity...the divinity of pouring out and being poured into by a person who...get's you...ya' know?

I believe that our interactions are destined. We've grown through the seasons...apart,together, apart, together...and now we're here and who knows what's to come?? Finally opening my eyes and looking back I see that I've reached the end of our path...full of those memories...eyes lingering on the maybe's, the missed opportunities...I smile to myself knowing that they will always remain where they are because a missed opportunity was just something God never meant to be in that capacity...breathing in deep I will miss this place. I know I'll venture back one day...bring my children & show them where I found myself...where I learned to love. Love God.
Love myself.
Fingers lingering for one second longer across the memories that will forever remain a part of my journey I whisper "thank you"

One last look.
Spinning on my heels, shoulders back, destiny in sight, blinking back tears, smile brimming over from deep within,I move forward...


One foot in front of the other...I love you too.




j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Authenticity, Loyalty...No more gray area

"the heart is forever inexperienced..." -Henry David Thoreau



They say that in math, randomness is order. In my life, what was once order has collapsed into the random. If I were a math problem I'd be on the crux of being figured out. But this is not a math problem and I am no closer to a solution to that question which plagues me than I was when it first presented itself into my world...-ehhhh...C'est la vie *shrugs shoulders*

I've always been a very complex simpleton. When it comes to relationships, romantic and otherwise, I ask two things. Authenticity. Loyalty. That's it. People have heard me say this before and slipped off the deep end into all kinds of rhetoric and deep philosophy and such...and with a wave of my hand I pay them no attention because my method and formula is tried and true. I wish for people to approach me as their authentic selves, free of the worry of what is going through my mind. After this approach, I wish them to prove themselves loyal if asking for my friendship OR seeking me out as a partner in a relationship. When you are authentic you are truthful. You carry those fruits of the Spirit...loving, peaceable, kind hearted etc. Perfect? No, but you are settled enough in your skin that you know what you want (well...as settled as any human being can be)...and then comes the loyalty. Loyalty is a characteristic that will allow a person to act in a certain manner when it comes to those things they are loyal to. When you are loyal to yourself FIRST, you understand how to conduct yourself to keep yourself at your most authentic state at ALL times...you get what I'm saying?? You know how to draw out the artillery when needed...you know which words to use in the moments of turmoil...you know how to hurt feelings without breaking spirits...tell the truth without being spited for it...mastering the delicate craft of coming in contact with the human spirit without hindering it...handling situations so that you are not stepped upon but you remain true to the person God intended you to be. Your most authentic self. Your foundation is solid. When these qualities are in place, then interacting with another is as easy as breathing in and out. It is automatic. It is selfless and takes little effort.

Over the years, I have found that being authentic and loyal will get you everywhere and nowhere, depending on who you ask. Well, in my honest opinion (because it IS MY blog) I think it gets you everywhere...with ME at least.

I am getting to the age where I have acquired the "Fool, I don't know you" face for those who have shown themselves shaky when high winds come along. I treat those around me, how I want to be treated...and when I am wrong, I'm wrong. It's not easy for me to admit, but I do and I get over myself. *a-HEM* More people need to learn how to do that...GET OVER THEMSELVES.

Contrary to popular belief that I am a walking Jeopardy game, I don't know everything...but I DO know this much, I ain't puttin' up with the foolery from GROWN FOLK no more!!! I don't have time. You're in my life or you're not. You call me just to say hi or you don't. You only use me as your ear to vent or you're truly concerned about my well being. Either you're with me or you're not. You support me or you don't. It's black or it's white. I'm done with the gray area...and by all means if you feel I fall in your "cutoff" category, please do so with the QUICKNESS. My feelings are not beyond repair...don't get me wrong, YES, they DO matter. Like my girl Sharon (Princess) says "my feelings are all I have"...but seriously, they are not beyond repair. I'd much rather know your purpose in my life and your intentions for me then to sit around anymore wasting time "hmmmng" & "hawwing" about:
-why we're not like we used to be
-why you won't talk to me
-why we been friends for YEARS, then you get in a relationship and I ONLY hear from you when you're fighting with the sig other o_O
-why you won't hire me at your counter when I know I'm a &#%?$@ good makeup artist!!!
-why you "liked" all my profile pictures then de-friended me on FB
-why I look like the female version of you but you still can't get right[DADDY!!]
-why you don't text me back
-why you won't respond to my Yahoo messages
-why you were down for the goodies til YOUR heart got involved then played me out like one of your "back of the bus hoes"
-why you're married & still tryin' to knock it down
-why you won't RESPOND TO MY YAHOO MESSAGES!!!!

*PAUSE* Wait I said that twice...Ok...sorry...I'm yelling ::blushes:: forgive me...but you get my point. I'm getting too old. It's not worth it. I can't stop the thoughts from drifting into my world every now and then, but I can fa'sho put an end to them!!

So, in lieu of alllll of that, I'm dedicating this blog right'chea to my sanity. My peace of mind. I can't change my past, and you know what, I can't expect You (this includes all the YOU's in my mind & the You's in the minds of all those nodding in agreement while reading this & starting out on this journey with me) to change anything in my future if you are not willing.

As for me and MY HOUSE, we shall not live in the gray area any longer. The truth, though inexplicable at times, will remain steadfast. And guess what, those people in my/your/OUR lives that truly matter, even during those seriously ROUGH patches, they will remain steadfast. All else are (say it with me, on the count of three, 1-2-3) OF NO CONSEQUENCE.

Yup...no more gray area.

Like I said, I'm a very complex simpleton.

Authenticity. Loyalty. That's all I ask...two self containing characteristics that will get you everywhere and nowhere, depending upon whom you ask...

You're probably still wondering what that question was I was asking myself earlier right??

Mmmmmmm...*sighhh* yeahhhh...::gazes out window::

You know...I don't even think it matters anymore...



j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Introspectively speaking...

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity...Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."-Henry David Thoreau




I'm realizing more and more as my breaths turn into sunrises turn into sunsets turn into days weeks months years that I need to take myself a little less seriously. I've found such solace in my goals and accomplishments, but at the same time have found reason to berate myself over my failures. Peace has been on my list of things to acquire for quite some time now, and I've figured out how to attain and hold on to this rare treasure. The moment I stopped wondering why my failures were present in my life, and started understanding that I am a collection of every moment (failures and achievements included) in my life, I figured it out! Peace is not stumbled upon when all the bills in your life are paid, all relationships locked into place, and every day is another monumental picture in the "Who's Who in This Game We Call Life"; it is rather gathered in bits and pieces during those rough patches in our lives...when we are sailing along w/o a destination, and feeling disconnected from our purpose, peace is a decision we make to live every moment!! Not like it's our last or first, but as if it's a privilege. Our circumstances cannot define our peace, because circumstantially, everyone has to sleep at night, and its during those times when we rest that true peace can grow. Its all about conscious efforts. Decisions made inside the moment to fight for your right sleep soundly at night.

Sitting, staring at the water during Christmas Break at my Mom's house, I watched the tide roll in and out...and then it hit me. Waves, miles from shore are still connected to the peaceful lulling ripples nipping at the feet of those strolling by. No matter the position or state of action the water is in, it's all connected. You can't disconnect water from it's wave. Hmmmmm...ok, so the revelation came to me...I'm like that water...I can't be separated from my purpose, even if I tried. This bit of knowledge has completely changed my way of thinking!! I am determined to shake the fear and restlessness and anxiety and stress from my mind and heart and go CONFIDENTLY in the direction of my dreams. God is so great in his ability to reveal the semblance of Earth & Heaven stored in simple nuances of every day life.

I said ALL of that to say, I'm making the effort to see past the mountainous terrain sprawling across my life...I've been so caught up stressing that these failures and burdens and barriers were piling up and blocking me from my blessing instead of just taking a moment to chill...relax...yeah, the mountain has to be climbed but its really ok to pause & enjoy the breeze every now & then...

And besides...I have a better view of sunsets from up here...

it's the little things that make all the difference...


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

Untitled Genius (Collab)

A friend and I collabed on a piece quite randomly last year...finally got around to piecing it together & voile!! Out came a finished product

After each section that we wrote, shortened versions of our names are listed in ()

PT=PoeticTone
Ph=Phoenix

I truly was inspired & had so much fun doing this, vibing off of his energy!! I hope you all enjoy!!

Untitled Genius



Too often I have to remind myself to try to forget about you...You disturb my nerves to the point where loving you is not longer optional but a mandate function for my survival...You're my revival...Allow me to celebrate tomorrow inside the womb of your today...Tell me you're worth it...Promise me I'm not dying in vain by devoting my life to you (PT)


To not let you grow would be the evil you assume of me daily/I push you away so that your tomorrow can be the birth of something great/my heart has become a tomb where you're encased & I'm incensed that you'd do me this way/hold me captive by your confessions of grandeur/death by devotion is never a vain act of glory/but I'm not entitled to your devotion/not deserving of your glory/I wish to give you freedom/I could promise you the world then hand you a globe made of plastic, so then how much would my promises matter/to love me is to forget you/so I option for the latter of the two/I need to forget you/cause you make loving you way too easy/& I've always been told that if it's too good to be true then...(Ph)


you dont turn away but pray for the courage to stay...I cant feed you the desire to allow the demo tape of love to play but I can refuse to move out your way making us a stagnanted momument of uncertainity...By deciding to refuse the opportunity with my love is the way you hurtin me but God breathed a little deeper breath when He formualted my flesh so I got thick skin...My freedom is in you--so I'll sit in the front seat on the bus of your heart like Parks and become the rebel with a cause who ignores your flaws like Newton but fact remains...Im not moving!!!...Implanted like roots...Read the palm of my soul and follow the route less traveled... (PT)


brilliant in theory/foolish in flesh/but in flesh I stand/hope resurrected/and so we're here/face to face heart to heart root to root/shift back so I can settle make room/but don't give me too much space & let me settle for nothing less than the entangling of our fingers the merging of our moons/the meshing of our color/and since God breathed a little deeper in you/let the tips of our fingers collide &, wait, see that!?? Now He's breathing for two/every beat runs from your heart through your feet right back to me/through my heart to my lips to your ear/catching Psalms on the wind whispering those vital words to convince your diaphragm to move/MOVE/breathe again/beat again/one more time so I can feel you again/and again/and...(Ph)


Im fasciated..fixated...bound by sounds of truth...Even if they place my heart in solitary confinement, I'll still institute a method to reach out to you..You reside in the belly of my devotion so Im holdin on to each breath you breathe...Your exhale is the inhale I need...I often sleep in fear, scared to roll over, dont want to look the glimpse of heaven wrapped in satin sheet with a head full of rollers...Pearl Harbor touch, you invade my turf to shatter my earth with explosions of forever...and all I can pray is that, we get it together...we find our scale of compromise that blends us together so you dont mind bending time with me...Allow my love to be your bravery...I've signed forms approving our storm so when I fall, DNR(Do Not Resusciate), do not save me! (PT)



Poetic Tone 2010

j.claude(C)2010 Phoenix

Shooting Stars 19/30

I keep two stars tucked in my back pocket for emergencies

Heart breaking like glass across the face of a fire exstinguisher case
I figured now was as good a time as any

Pulled one out
Scrawled your name across the points
and tossed it into the sky
Hoping that you'd look up
Wish me back home
Daddy I need you

But you've become so enamored in your delusion that when you look up
You don't see the sky no more

Aftershocks frm past bombs dropped above your head don't compare to the day
Your world rockd when
The pregnancy tests read positive
Coming into this world holdng a fistful of your insecurities
I was on my to remind you that miracles usually happen when you dnt realize you're in need

Your heart so hardened by the chemical hazards used to protect you
Turned two edged sword killing your
Mental picture of what we could be
Scraping away layers of my smile
And all you see is the magnifying of our negatives
No amount of red lights could prepare you for the parental processng
That did nothing to get rid of the
black still eroding my eyes
I cry
You see mortars
I start weeping
You see country borders

Blood runs down the fingers of a man
Long since incapable of scrawling his name in the sand
mastering the art of murder for hire
The one you should have aborted was
left alive to watch you decimate villages
Decimate my dreams
Knives ripping thru the throats of children
took away my ability to
mean wht I sing
Your bullets ripping through women
Pierced my heart in so many different places
Daddy how can I live my purpose
When you left me to bleed what I dream what I believe

You were tearng apart homes
Before I was propelled from your loins
All on a paycheck's order
I had a proud uncle sam
Before you even knew you had a daughter

Liscened to kill
you carried your auttomatic weapon like your Bible
Spit fire like scriptures into the domes of the ignorant
You were slipping into the fantasies of the fighting
While poison crept through your veins
Like thoughts of creation crept thru the mind of the almighty

7days birthed history
We call them Adam and Eve
Countless yrs birthed your misery
My momma named me Jennifer Denise
Steady stuck in your faded picture
helmet tilted rifle blazng
You were amazing Daddy
But you never came home

You traded your heart for a purple one
They pinned a piece of fabric to stone
And alone I've been every since

But I've got one star left to shoot to you
One last hope to fling across the sky
I scrawled out your name
Sealed it with a kiss
Daddy I'm praying
Maybe Just maybe this will be the night you finally look to the skys
open your eyes
and make a wish


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

A Sunday Kind of Love

I hate writing about love.

I hate writing about my desire for love, to be loved, to involve myself in a relationship with someone who will not only reciprocate, but become the catalyst for my love. I hate it because its one of the few things in life that one doesn't have complete control over. No matter how hard I study, or how well I budget & keep my credit straight, or how much I work out, or how diligently I do my kegal exercises all day every day, this doesn't mean I'm going to create my own ideal love. I can't purchase it, or draw it, or build it. I can only prepare myself for the possibility of the thing. I think this is where my personal dilemma rears its ugly head. I've never been a person to get my hopes up. And b/c of this, I tend to keep myself from situations that are going to burn me. I have a friend who calls me a pessimist, I call it logical. Its my defense. And the worst part is that the 5 times in my entire life I let those guards down my heart was shattered beyond my wildest dreams. I can give you dates & name, literally. I'll refrain, but just know that three time were involving parental units, once was with a man, & the other was with a best friend of 7yrs. Shattered. Whole world. Washed away...and so now, at this point in my life, I limit where I lay my feelings & who I expose my heart to. But I feel like its starting to ooze over...my desire to burn my black book & commit to someone is starting to envelop me.
I find myself praying that my future Husband manifests himself with the quickness. I need the inspiration to breathe...to BE. I'm waiting on him...The man that I can create love with over & over building upon our spiritual mental emotional and physical foundation. The man that I can write my music upon. The one I can build those dreams with & find myself in...

I want...a Sunday kind of love. No. Let me explain. I don't mean an "easy like Sunday morning" kind of a love. But a Sunday.. kind.. of.. love. Growing up, Sundays were the most hated, but most loved day of the week by me. I had to get up uber early, go to Sunday school, sing in the praise team, sing on the choir, go out or head home for a scrumptious eye drooping mouth watering meal, take a 40min teaser nap, go BACK to church, sing in the praise team, sing in the choir, sit thru another sermon then the prayer line then the fellowship after the service then the drive home, then go over my homework, take a shower, iron my clothes, grab my fave book, curl up in bed, & read until I passed out. I hated...& LOVED every minute of my grueling day. And that's the kind of love I want. The early mornings, late nights, stressful days, smiles over good meals, laughs over memorable moments, devotion laden, prayer filled, God following, hectic running around, curled up in bed perfectly content with my situation, ridiculosuly tired, but undeniably happy kind of love. I want that end of the weekend, beginning of the week kind of love...filled with enough lows to make me anticipate & thoroughly appreciate the highs...*shrugs*...and this is where my logic kicks in and tells me that this is entirely too much to ask.

So there you have it. I think I'm at Friday waiting & waiting...staring at the horizon hoping and praying that Sunday hurries up & gets here...

Yeah. I hate writing about love. But I sure need it to get here soon... *kanyeshrug*


j.claude(C)2010 Phoenix

Really, what happens when the rainbow is not enough!?

Every morning, I wake up & look around my room. I feel the stiffness in my neck & back & the pounding in my head that preoccupied my space when I laid down. I do not feel rested, and my stress is still sitting on top of my chest, holding me down & daring me to breathe deep with threat of crushing my heart forever. My past mistakes echo like heavy lead footsteps down barren halls snaking through cold decrepit homes. The walls always seem a little bit closer, the ceiling a little lower & the only safe place is in my bed. Between my sheets I have found a solace that words can not adequately convey. Tucked in between silk & cotton & a firm feathery mattress I found a support system that has managed to rival working out, hot greasy McDonald's french fries, iced tea on a hot summer's day, chocolate, & even sex (well, what I can remember, this celibacy has gone from a great idea into a long term memory problem...possibly dementia...I digress, different post for a different day)...

***PAUSE***

Ok, maybe not sex, but you get my point. I stumbled across something divine. But just like it's supportive, my bed has become enabling. It is a cruel catch-22. A certified mea culpa that I happily indulge(d) in with no immediate regrets. It seems like I have found myself...found myself wanting to haul myself out of my bed & toss my body off of a bridge. So I'm up now (curled up on the couch) wiping the long built up crust from my perverbial eyes &; I'm asking myself, "really, what happens when the rainbow isn't enough??".

Now don't get me wrong, I am no longer at the point where I want to literally end it all but I'm stuck between that gray area of Life & Death. I'm happily content, set on cruise in the "Existing" lane. I'm unhappy, slightly jaded, still hurting (over some BS mind you), and feeling like the biggest failure I know. When I was twenty, twenty five was the year of reaching my mountain top. Twenty five, has in fact, turned out to be my own personal seventh circle of hell. This year has been ridiculous, and was the follow up to year twenty four which was insane. I'm so happy to be nearing another birthday, but ONLY b/c I'm still alive. I think I'm scared that twenty six will be the "three's the charm" in a mix of events in my life that, albeit character building, have been...well...hard. I can't find another word to sum it up more completely. I'm not complaining, I'm just looking for a reason. A reason to move over to another lane & start driving and living my life again. And this rainbow everyone's chasing certainly hasn't been enough for me.

After talking to a sister of mine from church, she helped me understand two things. 1.) We've ALL been there!! Apparently I'm not alone in the "I feel like a lunatic & wanna DIE" club. But its about how I nurture the seeds in my life. If I cultivate the negativity, it will grow. As on Earth, as is in Heaven...you know how the sayings go...& its the truth. & 2.) Things get better. *sigh* I want to believe her so bad. She's 33, in a wildly budding & prosperous career, newly married to a beautiful man who truly supports her dreams & strengths & is there through the storms & her fears. When we speak, I am always encouraged, but then the logical me creeps up & smacks the positivity from my hand & again I'm left holding nothing.

So...I'm concluding a few things...I'm my worst enemy, I don't support myself enough, & the fact tht I wake up in the mornings should be reason enough...I'm looking for a reason that is already w/in my grasp but seems SO much farther away...so I'm making changes. Slowly. First change?? I'm taking time to really breathe again.

I can't believe it, but I'm actually looking forward to rolling out of bed, opening my blinds & taking a few moments to watch the sun rise again. And although my bed is still my most secure form of support, I think that, with a little practice, my attachment will become less compulsory. Or maybe not. But hey, I still have the the sun rises for now & that's progress (& we take progress where we can get it!!!)

So...really, what's our fate?? What happens to us colored girls when the rainbow is not enough?? Welp, I'm almost positive, convinced even, that the rainbow will NEVER be enough!! Look, I don't have all the answers (uhhhm, obviously) But I truly belive that if we put God first & then find the fervor for our life, our passion, & the one's in our life that we love than that will put us on the path to our purpose...& we'll get there, wherever "there" may be.
Yup. One foot in front of the other.
One sunrise one laugh one smile one hug one step at a time...



j. claude(C)2010 Phoenix

Living life & finding balance**

For all intensive purposes, energy starts out in a neutral state & dependng upon wht it comes in contact with, it becomes one of two thngs...(+) or (-)...yes, it can be disparaged, BUT there are no gray areas...it eithr is or it ain't *LESSON* I cnt deny its presence, but I CAN alter its charge ovr my life...#wisdom

The above is a status* I posted on FB today. Its pretty self explanatory, but for all of my non science heads out there, let me give you a rough breakdown of it...then I'm going to relate it to present day, real life foolywang.

On batteries you see positive and neutral signs and you always hear about positive & neutral energy. Well in science, ALL energy starts out neutral. Energy becomes positive or negative depending upon electrons & neutrons that are being added & taken away. Please don't blow a head gasket on me people, I'm done w/the HS bio presentation. I said all of that to relate this to the positive and negative energy flowing in and out of our lives.

I've always been a fan of sappy cliches (i.e. "Lemons to lemonade", joy comes in the morning", "darkest before the dawn" etc)...& being that is it may, I've written my own. One in particular I wrote in my affirmation. "Take those rocks life is tossing at your head, & start building your foundation"...that's right. I'm saying, when you get thumped upside the dome w/situation after situation, stop sitting amongst the rubble & ruins of your life. Use it to your advantage. And speaking of which, back to energy...

Experiences in our lives are clothed in energy. Every single one of them. Some positive & some negative...but the beauty about energy, much like the beauty of rocks thrown in our direction, is that no matter how it comes at you, you have the option of how you will utilize it. If something negative is happening in your life, change your perspective, move seats, put on your perverbial 3-D life glasses & take another look at things. What can you do to NOT waste that negative energy?? What can you do to apply a bit of positive energy to the situation so that the whole thing can shift for your good?? If any of you know me personally, you know that I've picked up my Bible & I am preaching to MYSELF...

I'm learning to take the rocks, and build a solid foundation (rooted in my walk with Christ & buildng my faith). I'm rerouting negative energy in my life to power the creative muse w/in myself...Urging along my dreams & having that Queen Esther kind of faith. <<---Everything I need, God placed w/in me. This means, no external source should be a means of validation, love, hope, peace, joy etc. External sources that bring along those things in tow is always an added bonus...but that's all it is..its NOT a vital piece of thread holding together my life. Lastly, & most importantly, I am NOT my current situation in life. I think this is where a lot of us ("us" being young mid-twenties in the midst of our budding career or in the crux of our continuing education plans) seem to despair & lose hope. Growing up as competitve youth, many of us don't know how to handle the pitfalls of life. We are used to making a plan & getting to our destination free of roadblocks. We believe that if we are determined & disciplined, we will avoid traps & unnecessary failure. And this is true...but even tho you know with a certainty that the sun will rise & set, you can't say for certain where rain will & won't fall from one day to the next. Its cold one day, hot the next..you get the picture...


Soooo...energy...rocks...lemonade...sunshine...rain...blah blah blah...it all boils down to this, life is gonna happen...so its up to us to find some anchor & get some balance...

I promise, its a LOT harder than it sounds, but its so worth it...


(C)j.claude2010


*the term is "intents & purposes". I apologize for my status faux pas ::blushes::

**This particular blog is dedicated to one of my best home girls, Miss Black NC herself, RaSheeda A. Waddell.

Legendary 18/30

You know...
there are tales of a place where passion grows
It is surrounded by concrete & stone
and its told that travelers of old trapped their lustful moans inside these walls to preserve our way of life during emergencies...
times of duress...
but there's only one path..
guarded by a gate keeper
& they call her Ecstasy
She pledges allegiance to no one but herself
Her twin sisters Amora & Demona are equally as self serving
They are all stunning, conniving, vicious beauties
Do you hear me?
The Devil will play the role of Love who will play the role Ecstacy w/o a second thought
But...so goes life...
and so if you get there at the right time, you'll find the sister that has the key

Ecstasy

they say her eyes are mirrors
so one should not glance long
unless they are comfortable being seen
I mean really seen
And for the right price she will guide you through the darkness...
hips swaying like fruit frm trees
her breathng reminiscent of lilts on a morning breeze
and as the path narrows
its easy to see how passion could grow frm concrete
light escapng frm fissures in the ground bouncing off the ceilng like music notes in no particular order...
Like ivy running up walls
there are slash marks being worn like badges of honor upon these stones...
hurt...
despair...
betrayel...
this is a fountain of life housed in a tomb of death...
but passion, passion grows here
It grows unequivocally & w/o explanation
it rises up under extreme difficult heart wrenching circumstances
this is the one place where man can view God & not be killed frm exposure to the light
the one place to commune w/His energy...to dominate ever present fears & to really be seen
staring into the mirrored eyes of the gatekeepr while she waits..
patiently..ready to show you back to your starting point
but quietly checking for your signal so as not to disturb your meetng w/your destiny
& those who know, know...that until you find that place
the tomb built of stone & concrete, tht place where passion grows
then you'll never understand the interactions & relationships of mankind

& a woman, you will nevr truly know...



(c)j.claude'10-Phoenix-

Hmmm...

I know I owe everyone about 13 more poems to complete my "30 in 30"...I have been so busy and distracted lately...but I'm going to get it done for the simple fact that I need to complete the tasks I start

Meanwhile, just showing some love to my blog...plenty of insightful things to say, and nothing to say *Le Sigh* o_O It has been one of those crazy emotional past couple of weeks...months... =/

Going to bed now...will reconvene in the morning.




Fairy tales are for the faint of heart, & everyone has to lose sometimes... -Phoenix