Chasing Waterfalls...

I had a consultation with a woman today who is getting married in two weeks. She is 42yrs old. As I settled her in my chair and got ready to do her makeup, we began the usual song and dance routine.

Her: how long have you been doing makeup?

Me: about 5 or 6 yrs

Her: you look so beautiful, I could never make myself look like tht

Me: of course you can!! I'm going to show you a few tricks and you'll be good to go

Her: I'm so excited!!!

Etc etc...you get the point. As our conversation moved forward and her face began the transformation from Jane Doe to Hollywood, I decided (against my better judgement) to ask about her engagement. Now, let me preface this by saying, I have been in an emotionally distraught place for awhile now. If you know me, you know tht, plenty of long stories short, me & Love have just NOT had the best relationship. Lots of lessons, lots of poems written, lots of songs sung, but nothing concrete yet. Three men. Three severe loves. Three levels of frustration & heartache. My fulfilment level with myself and my life have been suffering as of late. I am searching for the thing inside I need to feel complete...I've been filling the void with prayer, working out, & I'm ashamed to say, temporarily filling some of tht void with men..well, a man here and there...

So yes...I'm growing into the woman I need to be, & shedding my cocoon has been a bit painful, but I feel like it'll be worth it in the end. And because I was full of tht attitude today, I meandered into uncharted territory. Would this be a sticky sweet story? Would I regret asking? I sucked it up & dove in head first.

Me: wht made you decide to get married??

Her: *pause for thought* well...he asked *huge grin*

Cute right?

As the conversation progressed, she shared her story. 42yrs old and never married. She revealed the bags tht had been weighing her down. Apparently, in her 20's she had a best friend whom she loved with the entirety of her heart. In a tragic tale worthy of the stage, she revealed tht the man she loved was killed. A life swept instantly from this side of life, & carried over to the next. And when he died, a large portion of her died with him. She went on to tell me tht she spent the next 20yrs of her life a wreck. Afraid to love, angry, bitter, hurt, broken...

As I drew near to finishing her makeup, she asked me my age, if I had a boyfriend, had I ever been in love, etc...then she paused & looked at me & said "even in my stubbornness, God blessed me. I just wish I had not prolonged it." Her encouraging words continued to flow forth & fill my soul. She admonished me to continue toward my dreams & not to allow past pain or hurt delay the blessings God has for me. Her candid speech was exactly wht I needed. Here she was, so happy, getting ready to walk down the aisle and commit to loving another soul after she swore she never would love anyone else in her life. How did she manage to sabotage her life for 20yrs? How do you hold onto pain & grief tht long?? But then I looked at myself..was it really too much to imagine tht someone could close themselves off to love tht long, when I had given up on certain aspects of love in my own life?? My relationship with my Father had long ago managed to secretly convinced me tht I was unworthy of the voluntary love of someone else. After all, I was his own blood & he barely acknowledged me, so it just seemed fitting tht my lot in life had been sealed. You may say I sound absurd, but thts the pain I deal with everyday. I look at myself in the mirror & I'm tormented. I see his face & still haven't managed to see me for the wonderful person I hope I turn out to be. I am getting there.

I promise.

Call it crazy, but there I was, standing in front of someone who understood wht it was like to feel like the butt of a cruel joke. Except, she learned her lesson and was reaping her reward. I was still standing there, nodding & taking it all in.

And now, home on my couch, I'm still taking it all in.

It's amazing how God manages to speak to us in the most unlikely venues, through the most unlikely mouthpieces. Today, I came to terms with the fact tht, my daddy issues may be something I have to fight off for the rest of my life. If I ignore them, they will grow & suffocate me. Facing reality is one of the necessities of growing up. Such is life *shrugs* Well, gotta do wht I gotta do...but, I don't gotta do it alone. No more giving in to the hurt. No more self thrown pity parties. No more chasing waterfalls....I have a loving family, supportive friends, and enough dreams to chase to keep me busy for the next two lifetimes.

Everything else will fall in place. It's my job to make sure tht I haven't wasted my life away being broken & bitter & decide to turn 40 & get it together.

You know, she's going to make a beautiful bride...& tho she traveled through a couple decades to finally reach her happyily ever after, she doesn't look a day over 30. Talk about a consultation prize. ;)


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix

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Love...Me?

I have an ex-boyfriend who, after three years of us being apart, is still vying for my affection. Every now and then (when I "accidently" answer his phone calls on purpose) I consider getting back with him. I mean let's face it...he is every young black woman's dream. Successful, sexy, loves his parent's, comes from a nuclear family unit, sexy, hilarious, sexy, personable, diverse in his taste in food/music/board games etc, sexy, plays quite a few instruments, and did I mention how fine this man is. *blushes* I have a feeling if he lived closer (like, close enough to make random drive by's) I'd be singing a different tune...and escorting myself to somebody's altar (with my anointing oil in tow) every Wednesday (Bible Study) and Sunday. SMH...I digress. So, why are we not together?? I don't have enough room *chuckles* no, really, we don't work. It's really that simple (well...very complicated but in a very simple perspective). I went through this to say that, I am a girl on one side of this relationship. The one who is getting the texts and calls from a man wanting them back or wanting to see them...all the while catering to some unsuspecting woman currently in their life. I used to always wonder about these other women. Do they have any idea? How serious is the relationship?? Does he really want me back or is he just backtracking to make sure I WASN'T what he wanted?? All of these questions ran through my mind until I became the woman on the other side of the relationship. The woman "talking" to/"involved" with/in a warped relationship with THAT man. The one who is so sick and in love with his ex that he consistently tries to communicate with her. Get back with her. See her. Talk to her. SOMETHING. They need closure...or a fix...or...SOMETHING. All the while, occupying their time with the unsuspecting victim (*raises hand* that would be me, class)...the one who's heart is susceptible to kind words, sweet kisses, & txt messages that set off the bevy of butterflies laying dormant in the pit of your stomach.

The feeling, the NEED to be wanted and FEEL loved, or heck, even appreciated...or...just wanted, can sometimes take its toll on a girl. Providing for oneself and loving oneself and taking care of (emotional/mental/spiritual/physical) oneself is one thing. But that yearning, that deep yearning that grips you in the wee hours of the night to want somebody to love is a beast..and I don't mean love like in a Jodeci/R Kelly/Silk kind of way...but that intimate "let's lay here and play scrabble & listen to the rain & fall asleep" kind of love. Hmmmm...maybe I should just find some cuddly girlfriends to cuddle up with *side eye* ((I'll pass))..BUT, you get my point. It is a very real concern. So, to balance the yearn for love/acceptance/validation with keeping good company with NOT being that girl sometimes gets a bit blurry.

I'm currently in the middle of a situation similar to this (names will be changed to preserve privacy & really, no one cares about a real name) I have been so deep in thought, I've lost sight of the sun. The one thing I am understanding is that, NO MATTER how much fun this man is, or how sweet his kisses are, or how well we get along, if he is still trapped in a bottomless love with an "ex" than it will be impossible to get what I need from him. Even if he wanted to, he can't sincerely love me. Those battle scars from his last relationship, the hope that the relationship may resurface, and his simple crying out for the other woman are altogether filling his heart. So he occupies his time and plays "relationship" with the woman who, incapable of demanding too much from herself, doesn't demand much from him...and so he doesn't give much. JUST enough to keep her baited.

*PAUSE FOR THOUGHT*

I'm tired of being baited. I have experienced love before. It was beautiful. I'm not there anymore. I am certainly woman enough to say that it is something I would like to experience again (and this time, for longer than the life of my best pair of boots). I don't, however, know if I have it in me to stand up for myself & do what it takes to get to that level. Now, don't get me wrong, I will make the first few obligatory stances in the fight...but when it comes down to it, I am fearful that my need for that love will overpower my good God given sense and next thing you know, I'm two Mary J. Blige albums away from finding a bridge (presumably to jump from). In my mind, it would be so much easier if my Mr. Big showed up (minus the 10yr escapades/drama), brought me a fabulous home with a behemoth of a shoe closet in lieu of a ridiculous sized diamond ring, we walked down an aisle strewn with orchid petals with the cool fall breeze filtering through massive cathedral doors. I'd be wearing blue skinny jeans & an eggshell white cowl neck sweater sporting gold feathers in my ears gold Jessica Simpson peep toe platform slingbacks & my curly fro pinned back on one side, strutting toward him standing in his LRG blue jeans, black & gold pinstriped Prada blazer looking like a sunny day after a fresh summer's rain. Breaking out in dance midway while Heavy D & the Boys pumps through the speakers "Now that we found love what are we gonna doooooo, with iiii-iiitttt?!". We vow, we kiss, we dance out into the real world & we find each other. We love each other. We create adventures for ourselves. We laugh together because we are best friends. And all other ex's are a thing of OUR DISTANT past. We. Love. Each. Other. And it's not one sided. Yeah ::sigh:: That's how I envision it.

So I'm looking for the connection, cause I have apparently lost it. I didn't mean for this to turn into another introspective blog, but hey *shrugs* it happens. I really can't keep going from bad decision to bad decision. If I know nothing else about myself, I know that I can't keep putting my heart in harm's way. It's ok to be an independent woman. Get your own, do your thing, make your moves. But it's also ok to know when to stop & realize that, admitting to needing that love and companionship in your life is not a bad thing. Neither is it debilitating or something to be ashamed of. And in saying such, there is nothing wrong with guarding your heart & soul & spirit...afterall it IS the wellspring of your life. I already see a shift happening. Love...Me?

Nope. Either love me or don't. ::points at self in mirror:: No more loving her half heartedly and part time, Jen

Love...me? ::chuckles:: like Erykah said, "And if you don't want to be down with me, You don't want to pick from my appletree" ..Yup.

No more question marks.

And don't worry, I'm not taking my ex back...guess I probably shouldn't return his text either ;)

::puts down laptop..walks away humming::


j.claude(C)2011 Phoenix