I hate writing about love.
I hate writing about my desire for love, to be loved, to involve myself in a relationship with someone who will not only reciprocate, but become the catalyst for my love. I hate it because its one of the few things in life that one doesn't have complete control over. No matter how hard I study, or how well I budget & keep my credit straight, or how much I work out, or how diligently I do my kegal exercises all day every day, this doesn't mean I'm going to create my own ideal love. I can't purchase it, or draw it, or build it. I can only prepare myself for the possibility of the thing. I think this is where my personal dilemma rears its ugly head. I've never been a person to get my hopes up. And b/c of this, I tend to keep myself from situations that are going to burn me. I have a friend who calls me a pessimist, I call it logical. Its my defense. And the worst part is that the 5 times in my entire life I let those guards down my heart was shattered beyond my wildest dreams. I can give you dates & name, literally. I'll refrain, but just know that three time were involving parental units, once was with a man, & the other was with a best friend of 7yrs. Shattered. Whole world. Washed away...and so now, at this point in my life, I limit where I lay my feelings & who I expose my heart to. But I feel like its starting to ooze over...my desire to burn my black book & commit to someone is starting to envelop me.
I find myself praying that my future Husband manifests himself with the quickness. I need the inspiration to breathe...to BE. I'm waiting on him...The man that I can create love with over & over building upon our spiritual mental emotional and physical foundation. The man that I can write my music upon. The one I can build those dreams with & find myself in...
I want...a Sunday kind of love. No. Let me explain. I don't mean an "easy like Sunday morning" kind of a love. But a Sunday.. kind.. of.. love. Growing up, Sundays were the most hated, but most loved day of the week by me. I had to get up uber early, go to Sunday school, sing in the praise team, sing on the choir, go out or head home for a scrumptious eye drooping mouth watering meal, take a 40min teaser nap, go BACK to church, sing in the praise team, sing in the choir, sit thru another sermon then the prayer line then the fellowship after the service then the drive home, then go over my homework, take a shower, iron my clothes, grab my fave book, curl up in bed, & read until I passed out. I hated...& LOVED every minute of my grueling day. And that's the kind of love I want. The early mornings, late nights, stressful days, smiles over good meals, laughs over memorable moments, devotion laden, prayer filled, God following, hectic running around, curled up in bed perfectly content with my situation, ridiculosuly tired, but undeniably happy kind of love. I want that end of the weekend, beginning of the week kind of love...filled with enough lows to make me anticipate & thoroughly appreciate the highs...*shrugs*...and this is where my logic kicks in and tells me that this is entirely too much to ask.
So there you have it. I think I'm at Friday waiting & waiting...staring at the horizon hoping and praying that Sunday hurries up & gets here...
Yeah. I hate writing about love. But I sure need it to get here soon... *kanyeshrug*
j.claude(C)2010 Phoenix
