I pen the cure to my delusions that deem me insane/most times though I leave the medication laying around content to let life's issues coarse through my veins/ and sometimes it builds up and puts pressure on my brain/so I have to tap the right spot and allow the buildup to drain/ and spill forth from eye lids over and over again/only to press rewind and run it back frame by frame/knowing I should stop I accept full blame/but I refuse to stomach a reliever when my inspiration is pain...-Phoenix
Back of the Class
Limping down the hall I heard the bell ring
And then it started, one tear...the next
slamming into the folds of my sweater
staining it forever
like thick oil spilt on leather
I made it to my classroom, hobbled to the station where the teacher ruled the herd
ready to explain myself but her pursed lips halted my thoughts mid word
Ms. Claude I told you one more tardy and one detention it would be
she pointed to the the box for me to check acknowledging I knew the "Rule of Three"
but the Bruises on my back wouldn't allow me to see
I was blinded by the memory of him yelling about something to eat
walked up and snatched my lunchbox leaning and dripping venom
Slanted eyes powered by a cursed mind like he had something in him
"Bitch, if anybody gonna have lunch in this house it's gonna be me"
Now I'm all confused focused on my 8yr old feet
constantly feeling guilty for being the burden on the beast
living in this house daring us to sleep
You see
I was taken out of a bad situation and placed into one worse
had to occasionally witness him beat her down for taking me in after my birth
and I never understood why God blessed her with such a curse
why she had to be the tight beat holding down the verse
me spending countless night bribing my maker to rewind time and make me a 'W' or a 'Z'
anything but a 'X' or a 'Y', and Yup, he can have all of these, this 'L' and 'I' and 'F' and 'E'
I didn't want to be the cause of her misery
I would rather have been miscarried or tossed as a seed
wrapped securely in latex incinerated as garbage along with other debris
it's nothing to me no face no name but my soul'd be free
and I'd never have to witness him conjure up this hit list
send it out like a memo assuring me that I was next
all because she did her best
moved some things around wracked her brain
to make sure my untimely appearance wouldn't lead to a life lived in vain
opened her heart and clothed my premature frame
kissed me at night like I supplied the blood pulsing through her veins
I recall standing there wondering what my nourishment would be
ready to forget it altogether didn't want to breach the "Rule of Three"
and to this day the following scenes still seem surreal to me
watched my Mother stand up and raise her fist before him and God
and scream, I will die before I let you hurt my daughter
not one word did she falter
and that day he took her up on her threat
pounded her with words accenting her makeup with his fists
beat her 'til her lips turned blue
she blinked twice, guess he saw Hell in them cause he beat that out of her too
I suppose my eyes've always been bigger than my stomach
cause I ingested that all so fast I was too full to see anything else coming
and my little 8yr old feet couldn't move fast enough to dodge his rage
taking one massive open hand and palming my head
ricocheting my tiny body off the end rail of her bed
the wood kissing the crease of my back last thing I saw was white then red
mixed with rays of sun bleeding through the blinds spilling across my arms chest and legs
hearing sobs of anger and dread
I remember praying maybe this time I'm really dead
maybe God would cut out her heart before the ache would metastasize and spread
maybe I wouldn't ever be put in this predicament again
having to wrap my arms around her at night while she pays for my sins
you can't convince me that I was young and full of innocence
I was the problem not the solution and for this there was a punishment
but true to form she pleaded to Jesus in my defense
and true to form I lived another day w/little visible evidence
of these mishaps or court reported incidents
except the Bruises on my back that wouldn't shut up and let me see
what that teacher was pointing at, acknowledging the "Rule of Three"
and because I was capable of no response
she classified me as defiant while I held my tongue taught
searching for a way to explain that this tardy wasn't my fault
tried sending a message from my soul but maybe she felt harassed
maybe if I paid her to listen, I had allowance money, cold hard cash
but to her I was just another miscreant..a statistic...young black and fast
She gave me no more thought she never even asked
Was simply content to sign on the dotted line and send me limping to the back of the class...
(c)j.claude'09-Phoenix-
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Monday, June 01, 2009
How does a straigt line cross itself
Growing up, I was a wiz at math. I didn't like math, but I was a beast at it nonetheless. In a very general sense, I did well at all things Math, but senior year of high school (and then moving on to college) my favorite subsects were calculus & statistics. Call me geeky if you want, but there is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes along with finding "N" or "F" or any other varied problems dealing with those variables...you may be asking, why I'm rambling on about math...well, it was the immediate area of interest I stumbled across when I had to stop and ask myself, "how does a straight line cross itself??". In trigonometry, and geometry, the entire concept of "lines" is complex yet complete & pre-determined. There is no gray area between the beginning and the infinite ending to a straight line. A line starts at some point, and it will end at some determined or undetermined point--the point being the place that it stops...but, semantically speaking, a straight line will never cross itself. It may cross other lines, it may cross over circles, hey it might even cross a road!..but never itself. As it is on paper, as it is in relationships...and thus begins my thought process...
To give a brief background, over a year ago the conversation came up, between myself and a close female friend of mine, about relationships etc etc...in the midst of grilling me about the current "boo" I was in the process of getting rid of, she paused for a moment's thougt--and then, apparently, lost her mind. Or at least that's what I assumed when she said "I think you need to go ahead and get with *****". Now, ***** is good friend of mine and a mutual friend of the both of us. For simplicity sake, we'll call ***** "Mike"--his identity is not important to this topic, and so the name change should be of minimal interest. Meanwhile, back to my home gyrl lo0sing her mind...after staring at her in confusion for a minute or two, she told me to shut my mouth because she was serious. I told her thanks for her interest in my interests, but I'm good, he's a great friend, don't wanna ruin that blah blah blah blah...well, as the year passed, she periodically said things such as:
"You talked to Mike?"
"How's Mike?"
"Why don't you wanna get with Mike?"
"How do you know he doesn't wanna get with you??"
"You might be breaking his heart...*smh*"
"Well, I think you guys would be great together!!"
"I'm dead a** girl!!! Why won't you listen?!!"
(and the comments became more and more emphatic from that point)...I think she thought that I wasn't serious b/c she then took it upon herself to tell HIM about her feelings regarding my lack of feelings about her feelings about me having reserved feelings about catching and acting upon feelings toward Mike. Soooo...yeah, I found out a little later that she went off on this tangent, and Mike was as seemingly as confused as me blah blah yada yada...short story shorter, I broached the subject with Mike, and said somethin along the lines of "...you have to be careful crossing that friendship line..."...or something of that nature--and he responded in like but then added on[for good measure] "...matter fact, you don't cross that line, you let that line cross itself!!" And now we're back...to my original topic of interest. How does a straight line cross itself? Can it cross itself?? Is that possible??
Should I care??!!!
**Le Sigh**
I really want an answer...when is it ok, in a meaningful friendship, to sacrifice the value of precious time and kindred spirits for the potential worth of a beautiful relationship?? Who says a beautiful relationship can't just be precious time and kindred spirits?? Coming up on 25, I've never felt such a strong willed sense of protection over my friendships as I do now...I can count my true friends on my limbs...and I only have four of those (I'll throw in my 2 ears to complete the circuit, but after that everything starts looking like associates etc)...I digress, meanwhile, this topic has me in a state of slight confuglement [thank you...I made that word up all by myself]...as ridiculous as it may sounds, or petty as it may be, it has me concerned...and plus this is my blog so, I really don't care about perceptions at this point lol...but yeah, back to the point...I remember moving from high school into college with the mentality that friendships make great relationships. In my mind it seemed soooo much more convenient to progress from a state of comfortableness and familiarity and add that dash of romance to see where it goes...well, I quickly learned that, as a female I may see the roses in that thought process, but the male friends were not as positive...Me being ditzy and playing the role of "good friend" has, in turn, cost me some near and dear friendships...granted, the collapse of the situation wasn't always my fault, but I still failed to ignore the warning signs of our demise, and so the pain was extremely worse than it should have been...
It has taken me some time but I have FINALLY figured out some (if not all) of the problem...generally speaking a male and a female who become platonic friends may become that way for a few reasons...they were dating other people and met...they met during class/study groups/organizational volunteering etc and the idea of a relationship was the farthest thing from his/her mind OR she's a female (he's a male) he's/she's not initially attracted to by any means, but that person is full of insight, they have alot in common and at the end of the day they make a great friend. Frienships like this are the most dangerous, because
Seeing as how we, as human beings, are not islands, friendship is essential to our souls...so it's only natural that an endearing, close, intimate, (non-physical, but emotional) frienship escalate between two people who have things in common...only problem is, catching feelings becomes increasingly more easy to do because, as two people in contact with each other, you have built the entire foundation of a blossoming relationship on the back of a so-called friendship. So, I'm really starting to see that, men & women can't be friends at a consistant level, doing consistant things, being consistant with each other w/o the side effects of feelings showing up...there has to be lulls in the friendship...quality time can't be spent...sometimes you may have to resort to being phone-a-friends...friendship at a distant for the sake of the akward feelings etc etc...
Having said ALL of that I'm back to my original thought...How does a straight line cross itself? And the anwer is simplym, it doesn't cross itself...two people have to decide that they are gonna step down from one path and step onto another, albeit in a different direction, it's anonther straight line in it's own right...and that is a really hard answer to deal with...it's easy to get hurt when dealing with friendships of this nature. More often than not, it's the female who catches feelings, but it's not until the male starts to sense it, that things can go hay wire...
I really hate having a question I don't have a solid answer to...but then again, what's an answer w/no acknowledgement it in the first place?? Just words to fill a space...that's kind of how I feel about platonic frienships sometimes...they are just there to fill a space...nothing more...nothing less & to ask such would be foolish on my part... =o/
Such is life...<3
-j
To give a brief background, over a year ago the conversation came up, between myself and a close female friend of mine, about relationships etc etc...in the midst of grilling me about the current "boo" I was in the process of getting rid of, she paused for a moment's thougt--and then, apparently, lost her mind. Or at least that's what I assumed when she said "I think you need to go ahead and get with *****". Now, ***** is good friend of mine and a mutual friend of the both of us. For simplicity sake, we'll call ***** "Mike"--his identity is not important to this topic, and so the name change should be of minimal interest. Meanwhile, back to my home gyrl lo0sing her mind...after staring at her in confusion for a minute or two, she told me to shut my mouth because she was serious. I told her thanks for her interest in my interests, but I'm good, he's a great friend, don't wanna ruin that blah blah blah blah...well, as the year passed, she periodically said things such as:
"You talked to Mike?"
"How's Mike?"
"Why don't you wanna get with Mike?"
"How do you know he doesn't wanna get with you??"
"You might be breaking his heart...*smh*"
"Well, I think you guys would be great together!!"
"I'm dead a** girl!!! Why won't you listen?!!"
(and the comments became more and more emphatic from that point)...I think she thought that I wasn't serious b/c she then took it upon herself to tell HIM about her feelings regarding my lack of feelings about her feelings about me having reserved feelings about catching and acting upon feelings toward Mike. Soooo...yeah, I found out a little later that she went off on this tangent, and Mike was as seemingly as confused as me blah blah yada yada...short story shorter, I broached the subject with Mike, and said somethin along the lines of "...you have to be careful crossing that friendship line..."...or something of that nature--and he responded in like but then added on[for good measure] "...matter fact, you don't cross that line, you let that line cross itself!!" And now we're back...to my original topic of interest. How does a straight line cross itself? Can it cross itself?? Is that possible??
Should I care??!!!
**Le Sigh**
I really want an answer...when is it ok, in a meaningful friendship, to sacrifice the value of precious time and kindred spirits for the potential worth of a beautiful relationship?? Who says a beautiful relationship can't just be precious time and kindred spirits?? Coming up on 25, I've never felt such a strong willed sense of protection over my friendships as I do now...I can count my true friends on my limbs...and I only have four of those (I'll throw in my 2 ears to complete the circuit, but after that everything starts looking like associates etc)...I digress, meanwhile, this topic has me in a state of slight confuglement [thank you...I made that word up all by myself]...as ridiculous as it may sounds, or petty as it may be, it has me concerned...and plus this is my blog so, I really don't care about perceptions at this point lol...but yeah, back to the point...I remember moving from high school into college with the mentality that friendships make great relationships. In my mind it seemed soooo much more convenient to progress from a state of comfortableness and familiarity and add that dash of romance to see where it goes...well, I quickly learned that, as a female I may see the roses in that thought process, but the male friends were not as positive...Me being ditzy and playing the role of "good friend" has, in turn, cost me some near and dear friendships...granted, the collapse of the situation wasn't always my fault, but I still failed to ignore the warning signs of our demise, and so the pain was extremely worse than it should have been...
It has taken me some time but I have FINALLY figured out some (if not all) of the problem...generally speaking a male and a female who become platonic friends may become that way for a few reasons...they were dating other people and met...they met during class/study groups/organizational volunteering etc and the idea of a relationship was the farthest thing from his/her mind OR she's a female (he's a male) he's/she's not initially attracted to by any means, but that person is full of insight, they have alot in common and at the end of the day they make a great friend. Frienships like this are the most dangerous, because
Seeing as how we, as human beings, are not islands, friendship is essential to our souls...so it's only natural that an endearing, close, intimate, (non-physical, but emotional) frienship escalate between two people who have things in common...only problem is, catching feelings becomes increasingly more easy to do because, as two people in contact with each other, you have built the entire foundation of a blossoming relationship on the back of a so-called friendship. So, I'm really starting to see that, men & women can't be friends at a consistant level, doing consistant things, being consistant with each other w/o the side effects of feelings showing up...there has to be lulls in the friendship...quality time can't be spent...sometimes you may have to resort to being phone-a-friends...friendship at a distant for the sake of the akward feelings etc etc...
Having said ALL of that I'm back to my original thought...How does a straight line cross itself? And the anwer is simplym, it doesn't cross itself...two people have to decide that they are gonna step down from one path and step onto another, albeit in a different direction, it's anonther straight line in it's own right...and that is a really hard answer to deal with...it's easy to get hurt when dealing with friendships of this nature. More often than not, it's the female who catches feelings, but it's not until the male starts to sense it, that things can go hay wire...
I really hate having a question I don't have a solid answer to...but then again, what's an answer w/no acknowledgement it in the first place?? Just words to fill a space...that's kind of how I feel about platonic frienships sometimes...they are just there to fill a space...nothing more...nothing less & to ask such would be foolish on my part... =o/
Such is life...<3
-j
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