Every morning, I wake up & look around my room. I feel the stiffness in my neck & back & the pounding in my head that preoccupied my space when I laid down. I do not feel rested, and my stress is still sitting on top of my chest, holding me down & daring me to breathe deep with threat of crushing my heart forever. My past mistakes echo like heavy lead footsteps down barren halls snaking through cold decrepit homes. The walls always seem a little bit closer, the ceiling a little lower & the only safe place is in my bed. Between my sheets I have found a solace that words can not adequately convey. Tucked in between silk & cotton & a firm feathery mattress I found a support system that has managed to rival working out, hot greasy McDonald's french fries, iced tea on a hot summer's day, chocolate, & even sex (well, what I can remember, this celibacy has gone from a great idea into a long term memory problem...possibly dementia...I digress, different post for a different day)...***PAUSE***
Ok, maybe not sex, but you get my point. I stumbled across something divine. But just like it's supportive, my bed has become enabling. It is a cruel catch-22. A certified mea culpa that I happily indulge(d) in with no immediate regrets. It seems like I have found myself...found myself wanting to haul myself out of my bed & toss my body off of a bridge. So I'm up now (curled up on the couch) wiping the long built up crust from my perverbial eyes &; I'm asking myself, "really, what happens when the rainbow isn't enough??".
Now don't get me wrong, I am no longer at the point where I want to literally end it all but I'm stuck between that gray area of Life & Death. I'm happily content, set on cruise in the "Existing" lane. I'm unhappy, slightly jaded, still hurting (over some BS mind you), and feeling like the biggest failure I know. When I was twenty, twenty five was the year of reaching my mountain top. Twenty five, has in fact, turned out to be my own personal seventh circle of hell. This year has been ridiculous, and was the follow up to year twenty four which was insane. I'm so happy to be nearing another birthday, but ONLY b/c I'm still alive. I think I'm scared that twenty six will be the "three's the charm" in a mix of events in my life that, albeit character building, have been...well...hard. I can't find another word to sum it up more completely. I'm not complaining, I'm just looking for a reason. A reason to move over to another lane & start driving and living my life again. And this rainbow everyone's chasing certainly hasn't been enough for me.
After talking to a sister of mine from church, she helped me understand two things. 1.) We've ALL been there!! Apparently I'm not alone in the "I feel like a lunatic & wanna DIE" club. But its about how I nurture the seeds in my life. If I cultivate the negativity, it will grow. As on Earth, as is in Heaven...you know how the sayings go...& its the truth. & 2.) Things get better. *sigh* I want to believe her so bad. She's 33, in a wildly budding & prosperous career, newly married to a beautiful man who truly supports her dreams & strengths & is there through the storms & her fears. When we speak, I am always encouraged, but then the logical me creeps up & smacks the positivity from my hand & again I'm left holding nothing.
So...I'm concluding a few things...I'm my worst enemy, I don't support myself enough, & the fact tht I wake up in the mornings should be reason enough...I'm looking for a reason that is already w/in my grasp but seems SO much farther away...so I'm making changes. Slowly. First change?? I'm taking time to really breathe again.
I can't believe it, but I'm actually looking forward to rolling out of bed, opening my blinds & taking a few moments to watch the sun rise again. And although my bed is still my most secure form of support, I think that, with a little practice, my attachment will become less compulsory. Or maybe not. But hey, I still have the the sun rises for now & that's progress (& we take progress where we can get it!!!)
So...really, what's our fate?? What happens to us colored girls when the rainbow is not enough?? Welp, I'm almost positive, convinced even, that the rainbow will NEVER be enough!! Look, I don't have all the answers (uhhhm, obviously) But I truly belive that if we put God first & then find the fervor for our life, our passion, & the one's in our life that we love than that will put us on the path to our purpose...& we'll get there, wherever "there" may be.
Yup. One foot in front of the other.
One sunrise one laugh one smile one hug one step at a time...
j. claude(C)2010 Phoenix
