Monday, May 25, 2009

Celibacy Blues [[remix]]

**In my last post, I threw some words together, and they-in turn- sparked the fire of a piece I feel like I should finish...**

Celibacy Blues

Eyes flew open
fingertips glazed w/heat
Sweat trickled down my spine
Sheets soaked in your memory
and everywhere your tongue had traced
the fire seemed to set ablaze
burning at a delicious pace
right down to the core of me
feeling me needing me tearing away pieces of me
breathing in all that's left of me
drinking in my energy
sparing no amenity
found my lips wrapped around the life giving center
dreamt in color
high definition
digested your future
snagged a wrinkle in time
successfully succeeded in seeing past your mind
faint cries turn to whimpers
as I gorge at a leisurely pace
endearing embrace
heartfelt accomplishment
purposely losing this race
play roles
roles trade
contentedly tired from the role play
remembering nothing is ever as we say
will try fighting it, in vain, for another day
misplaced intentions led astray
eager ambitions complacent under our strict array
for every thing its proper place
and you managed to put it all away
snugly fit between the private space
where thighs and common sense had once embraced
but soon made haste and parted ways like distant friends
And from sweltering silence only your name escapes
entrusted and spoken thru honey soaked lips
sweet sentiments product of fingers and their fire soaked tips
and a crass slick tongue embedded between fire breathing hips
still burning from the singe marks your hands left with its prints
and we linger there
perfect fit
I painted you in color full of vibrant hues
eyes flew open
sheets soaked in your memory
held hostage by these Celibacy Blues...-(c) 2009 Phoenix

Celibacy Blues


At one point I swore before all of the green M&M's in the world that I would never resort to blogging, singing, spittin' lyrics or even speaking up in public about my very private emotional/spiritual/physical negotiations & overall dealings with Celibacy. Well...I'm glad I didn't swear to anything worthwhile, b/c today is the day that I get down with the Get Down and get down to getting down [on this blog] the thing(s) I need to say regarding the subject [as it pertains to me]...

Just so we're clear, I blame my Mother...for not telling me the truth. Growing up all I heard was "wait until you're married", "You'll go to Hell if you fornicate..." etc...In my world, fornication was right up there with Arson, child theft, and other villainous acts against society. What I needed to hear was: "Sex hurts...really great...so to avoid the Blues...just wait" Now really, was that so hard??? **sigh** I can't lie and say that the fear of damnation and hell-fire that'd been beaten into me did not deter me from all things sex. I was 22 & almost out of undergrad before I even thought about wandering down that road...meanwhile, I can't lie and say that I share the story of millions of other women around the world who swear their first time was heinous/dull/painful/boring etc...I actually experienced two first times...(no, seriously...okay, I know, just bear with me)...the first time was comparable to reading thru a medical terminology book...a bit listless, bearabley painful, but I did eventually make it to the last word on the last page. Mmmm, now, my second first time was erotic enough to make even Zane blush *looks around* ::all this reminiscing is making me a lil...:: Meanwhile, It wasn't until my first bout of celibacy that I came face to face w/the Blues. Now, for many women this can come in different strengths ranging from mild to severe. Usually it all depends on what kind of jackpot you hit before you decided to become celibate. For the sake of keeping this blog as clean as possible, I'll simply say, "jackpot" refers to the caliber of sex you are having/have ever had. Every women is different, and what works for one may not even phase the other, but if you're fortunate you will hit your "jackpot" one day, and wish like **** you had stayed a virgin. My bestie and I had a discussion once and we came up with the phrase "hitting the bottom". To explain, basically, if you meet a man, and you slip up and unlock Pandora's Door [*PAUSE* praise the powers that be, she no longer has a box, she has moved up to that dee-luxe apartment in the sky, yes-sah!!], but yeah, unlock her door and let that ni**a hit the bottom, and you won't have to worry about opening a box or door or anything else...it's gonna get bust down and all Hell is gonna break loose. Next thing you know everything he own is in your name, ya'll got two kids, you got one job and he got the situation on lock like a Boston Market Meal-Family Sized [main meal+ two extra sides]...just ALL bad ((thank you Usher))...

Anywho, to bring it back personal and in my face, I'm almost positive that I hit my jackpot and stayed with it pretty early on...not only was I new to the whole "I'm not a virgin" thing but I ended up having my innocent self turned all the way out not too long after I left the V-Card on the nitestand. It's fair to say, my first case was severe...and by severe, I don't mean, daydreams or anything petty like that....No, I mean "knocked out to the world and waking up at two and three o'clock in the AM in cold sweats" kind of severe--"body burnin' up to the touch while searching for my penpad and scribing the prescription to my illness" kind of severe...:

...and everywhere your tongue had traced
the fire seemed to set ablaze
burning at a delicious pace
right down to the core of me
feeling me needing me tearing away pieces of me
breathing in all that's left of me
drinking in my energy
sparing no amenity
for every thing its proper place
and you managed to put it all away
snugly fit between the space
where thighs and common sense had once embraced
but soon made haste and parted ways like distant friends
And from sweltering silence only your name escapes...-Phoenix

And just like that, I was diagnosed with the Celibacy Blues...

That being said, you'd think I'd built up anti-bodies to fight this infection if it ever peeped it's ugly head again. Sadly enough, that's not the case...I have caught the Celibacy Blue's again and there's nothing I can take to ease the tension/irritation/achy feeling triapsing thru my body...[Well, there's some natural oral remedies, but that's like downing a coughdrop when there's a brand new bottle of Nyquil right in the cabinet ;o) ] ugggghhh...

*side note--> before I continue, I want to point out that I'm not being celibate for fun. Although I am versed in the art of sex, I don't want to involve myself in the dance anymore until I'm married. Long gone are the days of wanting to be the next Terri McMillan story, or sitting around sharing my Zane experience w/homegyrls. If I can't hold out until marriage, it has to be with someone whom I love. Period. I'd get down to expounding upon that, but that's a different blog for a different day...<--end note*


Don't get me wrong...it's not that I'm not excited to be delving on this journey of spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical reconnection...again...It's just that sometimes, I am convinced my body really didn't get the memo. My vagina betrays me at times and tends to just detach herself and run off, like we haven't been tight all these years (heh heh heh...pun DEFINITELY intended)...but I digress. Yeahhh...she got a taste of that good-good and she just be actin' up...at work, in church, in the mall, driving, working out, sleeping...doesn't really matter where...she act out like those kids on SuperNanny (or whatever that show is on ABC about grown children who can't control their non-adult parents...)...unfortunately for me, I have those disciplinarians that come along, from time to time, and want to put her in her place...beat her down one good time...you know--"hit the bottom"...and then all Hell breaks loose again and...well, you see where this is going. Body just isn't working with me...and the Blues are handing it to me this time around..tried going back to find my V-Card I left on that nitestand so long ago...but all I got was a Canal Street knockoff...and let me assure you, bootlegged Virginity just isn't what it's advertisized to be...

So yeah, I blame my Mother...True, she raised me well, taught me manners, lived as a role model, & kept my immunizations up to date as I grew into my teens approaching adulthood...but she never told me sex could hurt so good...never supplied me w/logical reason to wait...never warned me of this age old infection going around...never told me to look out for Celibacy Blues...

-j

Monday, May 18, 2009

Round Midnight...


"...it begins to tell round midnight...memories always start round midnight, haven't got the the heart to stand those memories..." -Thelonius Monk


As a singer/poet/writer/songwriter I find myself completely naked 87% of the time--these times usually occurring while I'm enveloped in my element. Now, I don't mean naked as in I like walking around my house naked and singing [as liberating as that sounds]...naw, I mean my soul is continually being stripped bare and exposed for the world to see when I get up on stage and do my thing...and the most exposing is the poetry....

In the grand scheme of things, I have convinced myself that, not only am I a target for Pain's grueling assaults, but I'm built for it...it's my inspiration...my drug...


I'm on it like an IV drip pulsing thru my veins
Systematically scrape my fingers across any given page

Bleed out the cure to calm my rage
Collect it and perpetuate it right back thru...
I'm addicted.Can't Kick it.The Cycle Continues -Phoenix


Until I leave the stage/put the pen down/close my laptop, then I'm still left bare and cold and forced to look at this bruised shell housing these memories...and the self reflecting always seems to start 'round midnight'...haven't got the heart to stand them sometimes[the memories]. Now, as necessary as it may be, self reflection for me is a ridiculously painful process which usually results in tears and a headache (and not necessarily in that order) . You have to understand, my independent nature has routinely shaped me into a machine. Machines don't have emotions, they just do...oil them up, work out the kinks and keep it moving. I am, however, not a machine and I think the only one surprise by this revelation was me. In hindsight (along w/me being virtually emotionless) my years leading up to my twenties consisted of me picking up lots of baggage. Bags of all shapes and sizes...totes, clutches, saddlebags, hobo bags etc...but these bags are getting heavy and so it's really time to let some things go.

At this point and time, I've finally found the first BIG thing that I'm leaving at 24. 25 will not see me wasting borrowed time over my issues with my parental units. To oblige you with a bit of background--> I have a biological Mother, and a Biological Father and they are both irresponsible...so much so that I've since snatched their titles and relabeled them my 'Egg' & 'Sperm' Donors (respectively)... and as angry as I am that they are just two grown kids, the thing that has hurt me the most is that neither one of them want me...one of them gave me away & the other gave me away, kidnapped me, gave me back, came back, dragged me along thru the court system for about 6 yrs of my life than disappeared etc... growing up, I stayed close to the family I had that loved me and the wonderful Mother I do have in my life, but I don't think--no, I KNOW I never got over that neglect. Someone asked me today, why adopted kids always wanna know about their original parents. I think, for me, it was b/c I actually know my Biologicals on a first name basis and have thusly taken it very personal that they don't like me enough to love me enough to want to [at least] sit down and talk to me on a consistent basis...it's not like I'm lacking in conversation. I can go from 'playoffs' to 'music production' to 'makeup' w/in seconds...I'm like a buffet--something for everybody!! ::sigh:: So yeah, I've been letting my heart bamboozle my mind into truly believing [more so hoping] that one day they will approve...gosh, I don't know-prolly never will know-why it's so important to me that they give me their nod of validation...Meanwhile, today is monumental b/c I've finally come to terms with the fact that, My Egg & Sperm Donor may NEVER get right...they may never validate me...they may never call me again...they may never even acknowledge my features when they look in the mirror at night...and that's okay...and No, it's not ok for Phoenix (the poet) or for the j.claude up on stage singing her heart out or for the Jen holding the hands of those in need around her--but for Jennifer...me...just-mE...the me that curls up on my couch every single night clutching Tigger tight and praying that the dry season comes soon (more Sun, less tears)...the me asking God to spare me one more day so I can prove to him that I'm thankful for what I do have...the me that wants to focus less on what I am missing...the me that wants to be loved for all of my flaws and past my pain. I'm tired or breathing it in...getting my quick fix...blurring out my reality and replacing it with a myriad of fallacies painted up to resemble the best of my past and the worse of my future...

But yeah, today I officially started living. It hurts...but most healing processes are uncomfortable...and altho I 'haven't got the heart to stand these memories', I know I'll keep them filed away...I still need the inspiration...still gotta get naked...still gotta see this bruised shell housing these memories...gotta see Me [for my past] and love Me [into my future]...and I'm okay with that. Matter of fact I'm starting to look forward to meeting up w/Ole Midnight again--and in the not too distant future even. You know, catch up a bit. Usually busy around lunch...it'll have to wait til after suppertime. Prolly later on into the evening. Round about midnight... or, you know, something like that... ;o)

-j

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Well since you asked...


To get real serious about it, I've held hands and broken bread w/Love twice, And both times we parted ways but under different circumstances. See, Love and I are friends, and I don't blame the player I blame the game for bringing our interactions to a temporary standstill. Too many "get out of jail free cards", we got distracted and took the long way in "Life", popped a double and screamed out "TROUBLE" but had no "Clue" where to find the letters needed to un-"Scrabble" the entire situation so we were left standing in our separate corners lookin' quite dumb waiting on the other to stop the cruel "Monopol"-ization of the heart. Unrecognizable "Guesture"s and unneeded "Outbursts" left us riddled with doubt & mistrust and then the war began...we manned our stations on either ends of our "Battleship"s and it was all downhill from there.

But like I said I blame the game. The countless hours of multi media broadcast that formulate the dribble we happily lap up at a moment's notice. Teaching us the art of looking, finding, and securing the "ideal" Love before becoming the ideal Love ourselves...and not to say 'ideal' has bones to do with superficiality, but dealing with the crux of numerous issues such as trust, lack of communication, honesty, truth etc...taking the time to wipe the dust from the many facets of our lives such as mental/emotional/psycholog
ical/spiritual/physical health before laying fingertip on someone else's menagerie seems to be so much easier said than done...and as much as it doesn't want to be heard, I take great joy in saying that, as much as I am a feminist, I am a logical thinker and Ladies, these "if, then" situations we knowingly put ourselves into does not help our case when pleading with Love not to make it's sudden grand exit stage left [Myself included!] Case in point: "IF" his Character & Actions speaks volumes about him, "THEN" stop the foolery of asking everyone else's opinion b/c you already know...Character & Action are best friends and I will rock with them til the end. They are always on time, and on one accord w/the other etc and so on and so forth.

Meanwhile, with me & Love being so cool and all, I can go ahead and let you in on a few things Love told me itself...Love is not a clinic [don't show up if you're sick] it's not a repair shop [don't rock w/it if you're broken] it's not a Krispy Kreme [don't stop through for that quick fix]...but the beauty of love is that it has a duality clause that says, once you're there, all in the mix Twix'in w/Love, it has healing properties to aid you during those sniffly times...and it's pretty darn adhesive & does wonders w/patching things up...and sometimes-just sometimes-when you've done all you can and are fed up to HERE it'll be that comfort food that makes it ALL better... ;o)

To get down to the reason behind this very random blurb, today someone asked me what love was, in my eyes...to me, It's a process that requires time effort and dedication and many other individualistic amenities...it's hard to be general when no two people, in any one relationship, experiences the same make/model/color of Love... but one thing is very certain, Love, in all of it's complexity, simply remains the same. It's a road that does not wither or crack or lead to dead ends...it's an age old game, new players same rules: Love is patient, it is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs[1Cor13:4]...to me, these rules govern personal aspects and situations that won't and can't apply to any other woman I know b/c every woman is different...I think we just all want to be loved generally, in different aspects of the word, by any means necessary, depending upon what we specifically need when we wake up in the morning...and we will, in turn, reciprocate..with all of our heart, by any means necessary and in every sense of the word...and then...you pass "Go", collect $200, and...win ;o)


-j